Vacation what a wonderful word. Although ours was short it was awesome. The fun started early for both Brad and I as we watched Kiley light up when she saw us both at daycare. She thought that was the funniest thing ever that it was the two of us. We headed off from there! Let me tell you guys Kiley does not do well on long car rides. The two hour drive well was long. ;0) She was ready to get out and play by the time we got there. The hotel was outstanding and the view breathtaking. Kiley immediately made her self known by throwing kisses and saying hi to the nice ladys working at the check in counter. She immediately knew she was somewhere special. (Especially after getting a couple of mickey mouse stickers from the employees). We went to our room and then went down for an early dinner. We then walked by the beach to see the sunset. We did call it an early night. The rest of the vacation was spent in the sand and pool. I will post pictures on Monday.

Oh Yeah, what was up with Greys last night. I was not crazy about how they ended it.

Vacation

We are leaving tomorrow for Vacation. We are just going to vero beach for a long weekend. It is going to be a well needed break. I have court in the morning so we are leaving after that. We are actually going to celebrate our 7th Wedding anniversary. I cannot believe it has been seven years. I am one lucky girl. I cannot wait to see how Kiley will react to the beach. I bought her a new bathing suit and everything. We did take her last year to coccoa beach but it was only for a day. I am a little worried as to how she will do at the hotel. I will of course post pictures! till then surf's up! I know pathetic :0)

I will be the first to admit that I am supporter of women's rights. I believe that we should provide more support for women in all areas. However, I am defintely not, shall I say, over the edge with my opinions. I have learned in my years that there are times that one must keep your mouth shut. Unfortantely this would be easeir if I did not encounter stero types and a form of prejudice which are surprisedly still present. Honestly it drives me crazy. I am reallly amazed at some comments that I get in the courtroom. The most recent event occurred last Thursday. I will also admit that maybe I was not in the best of moods that morning but anyways..Let me preface this by saying that on this day it was what we call a master hearing. Essentially it is a first come first serve basis for the attorneys. Anyways, lets go to the scene shall we.
Court Room full of at least 100 people. Around 15 attorneys congregating with one another trying to determine in what order we are going. I mean we really could resolve this by having a list that we all sign when we get there but that would be too easy. Sorry I digress.
Attonrey G
: why don't you go first?
Me
I think you were here before me?
Attorney G:
Well all you women ask for rights. Isn't it your right to go first.
ME:
Uhm excuse me?
Attorney A: cutting in to save Attorney G as he knows me well
Dennise I think you here before me.
Me:
I believe I was..
Attorney G
Women always talk about rights let her go first.
Judge (who is my hero btw)
Ms. H (as a fellow Puerto Rican he refuses to acknowledge my marriage, it realy does come from a place of love)
Can I begin MY COURTROOM
ME:
sure your honor! I, a WOMAN and more importantly an attorney, will go first!

I took this picture of Kiley yesterday and I just love it.

Here is Kiley this weekend. Brad's company just came out with flip flops in Kiley's size. Brad took this video of Kiley wearing them to send to a buyer. I thought it was cute.

Easter

Happy Belated Easter everyone. We had a wonderful day. I must admit Kiley is such an easy baby. We are really spoiled. I read at the Good Friday mass as well as on the high mass on Easter Sunday. Normally reading for me is the most wonderful thing in the world. However, I know how busy and honestly how long these masses are so I was a little worried. I worried about Kiley and how she was going to handle it. No Kiley always does really well at church. She is active as any 17month old going on 17 years old are. But she is never disruptive. On a side note, it is my belief that one should not shy away to go to church because of fear of how their child is going to act. They are children, they will make noise, they will eat. We as parents need to get over it. My priest is really good about promoting this with our parish. Yet, I will admit that I still get nervous and I don't want her to cause a scene. Anyways, given how busy and long both masses were going to be she was not going to have the normal room to walk around the pew etc. But she was wonderful! Yes she was active but no screaming, no dramas. She only got upset when she could not see me. At the Easter mass she was sharing her cherios with a cute little boy who was sitting in front of her. It was really sweet!! I wish I could have taken a picture. Alas, I think Father Clark would not find that to be really cute.

After mass and her fighting nap we went over to Abuelas and had a big feast. We did hunt for eggs. Kiley was really into it this year. She would pick up and egg and just shake it. This year was different for me as Kiley last year we had barely been home three days. She was so small and was holding on to me for dear life. This year she walked outside on her own and played with her cousins. It hit me again how much she is grown. It also hit me that we are a family. I love moments like that.

a year ago

A year ago today, we became a family of three. A year ago today my little girl was placed in my arms by a wonderful strong woman. I will never, never forget that day. I will always give praise and be humbled by that day. I was so scared but at peace all at the same time. My heart was broken but overjoyed. I was so worried about getting pink before she was placed in my arms after that I knew it was going to happen. Brad tells me that this day is only important to us, but I disagree. I think all of us who are families understand the significance of the day you became/become a family. We all understand that bond, that love. it does not matter how you became a family you still know that exact day and minute. You remember it. You never want to forget it. For me losing my memory would be horrible because I would not be able to remember this day. No other love could be this big and strong. My mom was right when she would say, "the day you become a mom you will understand". I never thought I would feel so passionate, so loyal over one person. I mean I am loyal to Brad, but I mean really...if he cheated on me or god forbid did anything towards me or Kiley..well you know. Anyways it is different for Kiley. I will always be here. I will always forgive her. I often wonder if this is what I hear God is like. I hear all the time that his love is unconditional, that we will always be forgiven, but honestly I have never could relate to it. I could never understand why would God do that..then he sent Kiley to us. Now I understand. So my daughter has been home for a year. She has grown up so much in the year.
Kiley...Mi pricensa
Que mucho te quiero. Que much alegria no has trajido a tu papi y a mi en este ano. A year ago today Tia Mirina placed you in my arms. You were so little and so brave. You did not shed a tear. You looked at me which such trust. I hope never to disappoint you on that point. You have grown sooo much this year. You are walking and dare I say running. You have decided that Dora the Explorer and the Wiggles are the best thing in the world. As for talking, this past month your vocabluary has increased tremendously. You surprise us everyday with all of the amazing things you do. Kiley on this day we thank you for joining our family. We are so much better with you. I love you baby girl and I always will.

MIA

I am sorry I have been MIA. Drama Drama, Drama.. So I am sure you guys have been reading or have heard about the pet food recall..http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17650075/
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/03/22/pet.food.recall/index.html?section=cnn_latest


Well low and behold my kitties (we have two) have been eating a brand which has been recalled. I have been wondering why they have been sick lately. I could not figure it out. We took them immediately in after hearing of the recall. Yup they were in renal failure. I felt terrible. I felt terrible giving them the food and also that I had not taken into the vet sooner. All week they have been at the Vets. My poor babies. They came home last night. Trust me when I say they are not happy campers. We have to take them in everyday for IV treatments. The good news is that they are now out of danger. The bad news is the vet bill . Mama Mia!!! I don't mind I do anything for my babies. But when I saw the bill I must admit I about croaked. To think it still not done. So here are pictures of my babies.



This is Tad. He is the oldest at 11 years. I know it is not the best picture of him, but it is all I have of him in this camera.
This is Tiger. He is 10! He sleeps in Kiley's crib during the day.
Here is another one of Tiger. I just love his sweet face.

Darn it, my camera batteries just went down..UGH. I wanted to post pics of Ms. K. Oh well I will do it on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone...

Strawberry festivel.

This past weekend we went with Kiley's God parents to the strawberry festival in a neighboring town. The town is known for it's strawberries and so every year they throw a big festival. Kiley was Miss Diva the entire day. I really don't know what got into her. She wanted to walk but there were sooo many people there that I had to keep her in the stroller. She was not happy about this at all. Fits and tantrums. I don't think I have ever prayed so hard. :-) But then there was yesterday, more on that later. It was a great day though. We had lots of fun and ate lots of strawberries., chocolate covered strawberries and strawberry shortcake. Brad took her on this big slide. It was really high. She absolutely loved it. I beleive my daughter is going to love roller coasters like her daddy. It was nice to have good fellowship and be out and about.

Kiley did start a new daycare this week. She is being taken care of by "Ro Ro" who is a lovely older women who takes care of a few children at her home. So far so good. Kiley threw a fit yesterday when I went to pick her up. She did not want to leave. She even slapped me in the face when I picked her up. I wanted to cry. She really hit me hard. Poor "Ro Ro" she apologized to me about it. My nephews hit my sister and brother in law in the face and I think that is where she learned it from. I sternly told her know and looked her right in the eye. But, I don't know what to do if that ever happens again. Yikes I can not imagine what the terrible twos are going to be like when we are just 16 months. Any advice?? I will post some pictures from the weekend tomorrow as I forgot my camera today.

scaling back

I will selfishly admit that I am a material girl. I love my name brands. I love my louie vuitton purses, Manolo Blahink shoes. You get the picture. Well I am having to scale back. As stupid as this sounds I have resisted this idea. What is it about our possessions that drives us to not be able to part with them. I guess the better question is what is it about our society that makes it seem or attempt to makes us think that someone is better if they posses these items or drive this car. Do these items make us happier. I have been asking myself these questions as I have been struggling to give these items up. The answer is no. So here I am looking at turning in my lovely Infinit M35 and buying a mini van. No more Infiniti or BMWs. Brad says to consider it not necessarily the brand but the car payment. In my head I totally get this. I really do. I know the big picture. I see Kiley in the van and the giggles coming from her. The question is what kind of person have I become where this is difficult for me. My spiritual director posed an intersting question about this. She asked me what do these things mean to me. I guess to mean in a way it means I have failed in my firm. I totally know that I just started this firm but there is that nagging feeling. My unrealistic expectation of starting this firm and people banging at my door has not been met. I hate when my expectations get in the way, don't you.

First, I want to give a big shout out to Angel. I am so excited to say that they are going to start a domestic adoption. Isn't it wonderful. Go over to her blog and give her some blogger love. Angel.. I hope and pray for a smooth adoption trip for you and your family this time around.

I will admit I would love to start another adoption. First selfishlly because I would love to have another child. Not that Kiley is not the light of my life. As I have described in my prior posts, she really has completed me. But it is because she is so much fun. Being a mom is probably the funnest job I have. I mean yes, I get angry at her divaness. Trust me she has already started. But I love going into her room and seeing her laying on her side. Or rolling over in the morning and she is looking at me. I especially love holding her hand as we say grace every night. I love her love of life. Anyways, given our finanical situation. Or let us call it the crisis of 2007. :0) We have our plans on hold. Yes I am upset about this. However, I have faith that I will be ok with this part of our journey.

I am sorry about my last post. There are some things that I wish I could blog about, however,I am afraid that the information and feelings could be read by some folks and it will make the situation worst. All I can say about it right now is that I am very bitter and hurt. More hurt than bitter. Needless to say any good thoughts you can send my way will be greatly appreciated.

I am sorry that I have not written about our day at Disney. It was fantastic! Kiley was an angel and enjoyed every moment of it. The minute we got on the tram she lit up. It was like she knew we were going to somewhere fun. It was a cold day for Florida standards. but that did not stop her. The first ride we rode was the mad tea cups. She was giggling..too bad I could not get any pictures of that. She did like the pooh ride. However, we did take it easy and only rode a few rides. The lines were so long. We did make sure to see all the characters. I was surprised at how much she loved Mickey and Goofy. We are planning to go back in a couple of months.

Here are some pictures of our awesome day!

Daddy and I are so excited to ride the tram!


Um what do you mean I have to wait in line?


Mommy where are your ears?


Higher Daddy, I can't see Mickey!


This is the best day ever Mommy!



If you look in the background there is Mickey. She could not stop looking at him.





We were not so sure about Tiger!



Giving Mickey a "beso". The video is even cuter because you hear her squeal with delight.


So Daddy this is Minnie's house..


Mad tea cup ride!


Mommy why doesn't Sammy have a dog house like Pluto?

No words are needed !

Does anyone know how to password protect a specific entry with blog spot. Can it be done?

First I want to apologize to you guys. I look over my post and I cannot believe how bad my grammar is. I mean really it is shameful. The only excuse I have is that I treat this as a journal. I basically just write down whatever I am thinking. Nevertheless I am sorry!!!
Now that I have that out! I must tell you guys that we have a big day planed for Saturday. We are taking Kiley to the Magic Kingdom for the first time. I cannot tell you how excited I am. I will be the first to say that I am the biggest Disney fan. I love love Disney. Maybe it stems from the fact that I worked there for over 10 years. It was a great experience. It was also a learning experience. Anyways, Kiley loves the Disney Characters. She usually has a grip, which I can only describe as dark Vader's grip, on her Mickey doll. If you recall we had her 1st birthday party at the Character breakfast at the Polynesian Resort. It was a success. Unfortunately, the person responsible for taking pictures that day did not do a really good job so I really have no good pictures. I know...I was very upset. However, I have the entire thing on video. Back to Saturday. I cannot wait to see her face in the park. The colors I am sure will get her attention. I cannot wait for her to see Mickey, Minnie, Donald..all of the gang again. The wonderful thing about Kiley is her expressions. My daughter does not hide any emotions. You can clearly know what she is thinking just by looking at her face. This is going to be great. I will definitely post pictures.

On a total different note any Grey Anatomy watchers. All I have to say is what are doing??? Meredith cannot die. I decided that I am too emotionally involved with this show. I mean last night I started to cry when Derek started to cry. UGH!! It is pathetic that I am still thinking about it. OK I feel better now that I have that out.

Here is a picture of Kiley and me on Heart Day! Check out the crown. My mom made it for her.

My knight in shining ...whatever.

**Long post dedicated to Brad*

OK my attempt to quote Grey's Anatomy probably went astray. I love that show by the way. But in reality I have alot of similarities with the character Meredith. I think most of do. Just like Meredith, I have issues of abandonment and issues of self esteem. I became a lawyer because it was what I was suppose to do. It was a way to impress my dad. What I really wanted to do was play the clarinet professionally. Not to toot my own horn (pardon the pun) but I am a good player. I had a music scholarship for the University of Florida. However, I believed my parents when they told me that I was not any good and that I would not amount to anything. Despite the evidence to the contrary. So you are probably wondering why I became a lawyer. Quite simply it was because I wanted to prove to them that I could. Now if you ask my parents/family they will deny all of the above. It would figure, as pointed out by my good friend Shelly, that given my baggage I would meet and marry the same type of individual. But I did not do that. I met and married my McDreamy. My knight in shinning ...whatever. Anyways, on this heart day I want to tell you about why he deserves this title. It is simple he is Brad. Brad has been with me through thick in thin. Even before we got married. I met Brad in October 1995. My dad left my mom in March at which point our family went a little on the crazy side. Any normal guy would run. Not Brad, he took on my family as his own. He says he did this because we were already family at this time and it is his belief that families don't leave one another. He believes we all have those crazy family members and times. So Brad embraced my crazy out of her mind mom. I truly believe he healed her by showing her compassion and love during that horrible time for her. He has done the same with my dad. He loves my dad when I can't. He even loved my dad at our wedding when he yelled at me and basically threw a tantrum (all while we are walking down the isle). Yes I am still bitter. He has been there at every one of my hospitalization at every one specialist appointment. He even watched my liver biopsy being performed. Despite the fact that he really cannot stand the site of blood. All because he knew I would be awake during the procedure and scared. Now I don't want you to think that he is a saint. He has his moments. He is also the biggest gossiper. It is the running joke in the family that we cannot tell Brad anything for surely everyone is going to know what was said.
But in the end he is Brad. He is the one we all turn to when we are sad, happy and in need. On this Valentines day I am proud and honored to be his wife. I will freely admit he is the better person in this relationship. I am selfish, he is selfless.

I hope everyone had a great day. Thank you putting up with this long post.

William Shakespeare

Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his heighth be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

The evaluation went well. The evaluator was a woman named Cassandra. She was fantastic. It was a lot of questions about what Kiley is doing and saying. There was some interaction with her but mostly it was a lot of questions directed to me. She did observe Kiley for some time. Kiley of course thought this was just great, I mean after all she was the center of the conversation. She kept walking back and forth with her Dora ball. In the end she did find that Kiley was delayed. She found that she is more than 25% delayed in her speech and fine motor skills. I did discuss with Cassandra the bi-lingual aspect, but she still felt that Kiley should be making more sounds and words. Cassandra did confirm that children that are raised bi-lingual do take more time to speak. In fact she said they can be delayed up until they reach the age of five. Wow! She said however that it was/is great for children to be raised bi-lingual as it develops so many more areas of their brain. Nevertheless we need to take Kiley to another evaluation where they will pinpoint exactly what areas to target and what therapy (if any) to do. I guess I should have mentioned this before, but the program which we were referred to is the federal program (Early Steps_, therefore the "delay" falls under the ADA and is paid for the by the federal government. Cassandra said depending on what treatment is needed that the speech and physical therapist will come to our home to work with Kiley. That makes me feel better that way Kiley is in her environment. So the next step is going to another evaluation downtown. I am still trying to process of all this. I don't know if I am more worried now than before.

Today is Kiley's evaluation. It is at 3:30pm. I did not think I would be so nervous but I am. I will let everyone know how it goes! It the meantime here are some pictures!

Look Mommy I am walking!!


Here she is with our Kitty named Tiger. He is so sweet to her!



Having fun with Daddy!

Working Mother

As I was sitting waiting for my fouth asylum trial (of the five I had scheduled this week) to begin. I began contemplating how motherhood has changed me in the work force and really in my work. It was interesting. First, I realized that my work comes second. Or should I say my family comes first. I guess I always belived that, in fact there were mnay times I would state that. But the reality was that I did not put my words into practice, until now. I don't start working until Kiley goes to bed, even if it is 11pm. Even if I have two trials back to back. It does not matter. I worry about her when I have to leave her earlier than normal. But really the difference that I have seen is in my compassion. I will say that I always considered myself compassionate. I specifically remember my criminal law professor telling me in front of the entire class that I had a bleeding heart. He told me that life and the law are not fair. (On side note, he was really not a bad guy he helped get me my internship at the public defender's office my second year.) Anyways, I have seen a changed in me. I feel for my clients. I see their struggle. I see how they have to leave their children in their home country so they can try to make a better life for them. I feel for them because they are separated and worried to death about them. All they want is to bring them here with them. I feel bad when their asylum case denied. I feel bad because I worry about their children and them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "I am doing this for my children", or "what can I do about my children". "what am I going to do". It seems that all of this has taken a different meaning for me now. So here is my story! I am a mommy and wife first, then a lawyer.

Thank you everyone for your nice comments for my last post. It is crazy the guilt we carry. I am so happy to report that Kiley is finally walking. It is the cutest thing. I will proudly admit that she walked to me first. HEE HEE!! I will post pictures!
On a different note, we are having her tested for speech development. Now Kiley is definitely not the most talkative girl. If I think about it her vocabulary at 15 months really only includes mama, dada, cat, go and back. Really that it is. Only mama and cat are said in context :0) My brother-in-law, who takes care of her expressed his concern with me. My nephews are autistic. I should also mention that the boys specialist recommended that we have her tested. On side note, we do not think Kiley is autistic, it is just that someone with that experience notices issues that sometimes parents overlook. Honestly, I think Kiley is a little delayed but I believe it has to do with the fact that I speak/teach Spanish to her. It is my understanding that children that live in a bilingual home are little delayed in speaking. But in the abundance of caution and more importantly to get my family off my back I called to have her tested. I will admit that I am a little worried. But I know after seeing what my sister and brother-in-law have gone through early intervention is the key. We will see!!

I have a secret. I have not been really good about keeping in touch with Kiley's Foster Mom. I feel really guilty about it. It is definitely has not been on purpose, it has been because I have been so busy. I will also admit it has been because of lack of funds. When I say we have no money I mean no money. No money to send pictures and definitely no money to develop pictures. Well today I changed that. I sent Mirina a bunch of pictures and a angle figure holding a baby. I feel much better but at the same time I still feel like such a loser. I have spoken to her since we returned but not as often as a I feel I should. I finally developed pictures from a disposable camera which we had sent in our first package. It was weird and yet surreal to see these earlier pictures. Not only did she look different but my baby had another life. She was accepted loved by this family as their very own. For example, there is a picture of her attending a birthday party. (My baby girl was a partier even there.) I don't know why this has hit me so much. Has anyone else felt this way?

Holidays

Let me recap the holidays for you guys. I know it is the middle of Jan. We had a wonderful holiday. Kiley was so wonderful on Christmas and Three Kings day. It was just great. Seeing and helping her open christmas gifts, not to sound cliche but "completed me". Here is a picture of her opening her gifts.

My grandmother was in town so Kiley got to meet her. Here is a picture of her with abuela.

I took some time off for the holidays. We went "indoor" rock climbing. Here is Kiley's attempt.

I refuse to incriminate myself by posting my pictures...Oh alright just to show I am a good sport. :0)


As to the sibling remarks. Brad and I have been seriously talking and praying about having another child. We would adopt again. I must admit it is really early in the talks for numerous reasons. I would love to go into them right now but I have bored you guys enough today. I promise to write about it tomorrow as I really want your input. Take Care!

De Lurking

Ok so I have a been a bad blogger this holiday. I promise to update first thing on Monday as I don't have a computer at home to use. I do have a lot to say about siblings possibilities. But before I go on to say more.. lurkers you know who you are..please come on out...Say hellooo I promise to visit..

Adventures

Adventures in motherhood that is. Lets see ...Kiley developed strep throat. Not a problem. She was acually handling it really well. No fussing. In fact I was very surprised when the doctor told me that the test was positive. Well that all changed when we gave her the antibotics. It seems my little one is allergic to pencillen. We found out the hard way. Before I go on let me say that she is fine. The first full day of antibotics she broke out in a rash. I called the doctor who told me that the rash was probably from the strep so to go ahead and continue with the antibotic and give bendadryl (not so sure about the spelling). So we do this. Next morning she woke up screaming and going into convulsions. The rash were now welts. Off to the ER we went. She is now totally better and on different antibotics for the strep. I have never felt so scared. Never felt more like a mother.

I am feeling better. I am sorry my last post was so negative. Geez!! Will write more tomorrow. I have an interesting post to write. I know, I am such a teaser!

*****Warning not to positive note and lots of whinning ******

Let me start out by saying that I am so thankful for everything I have this year. I have my daughter and husband who are both in the best health. I have my animals whom I adore. I have a roof over my head. Why should I be down and sad. Well as everyone knows I started my own firm in May. This has been a new adventure for me. No steady paycheck, overhead to be responsible for. You get the picture. The issue is that business is really really slow right now. Now mind you I have spoken to other lawyers in my same field all of which have told me that they are in the same boat. The difference is they have been in business for a while so they have had time to prepare for the slow time. Me ..not so much. So here it is Christmas time and I literally have no money. I mean I have no money to pay the bills for the business and therefore none to help at our home. The dilemma is it is Christmas and I want to buy (and in the past have had the discretionary income to buy) everyone great gifts. While I was in Guatemala last Christmas visiting Kiley I dreamt of her being home and I being able to give her the most wonderful Christmas. This included a stocking full of gifts, presents under the tree. I know she is only 13 months and won't remember Christmas, but I will. I have not been able financially to buy her one gift. Now I know I can get her little things trust me I will. But I am so angry that I just can't go and buy whatever I want for her and for Brad. I mean I know this whole post is sounding oh incredibly selfish but this is my outlet. I feel like I am letting her down. I feel like I am letting everyone down. The worst part of this is that I am selfish and I enjoy giving gifts and seeing everyone's faces. I also, dare I say, enjoy receiving gifts. Which I know I won't receive this year. I know..I know it is wrong...but lets be honest here! :0) So I am dealing with my issues of anger surrounding this Christmas. I really believe I was suppose to open this firm. I love my job and I am so much happier. I am also around Kiley all the time which my other job would not allow me. What could be better. (just a few more clients). I also am angry at myself. The long and short is I lent someone whom I trusted $1,000.00 of money which was already spent on bills for my firm supposedly for 24 hours. I only lent him the money because I really believed he was going to pay me back the money right away. I did not and do not have the money to lend him. He was to return the next morning with the money. I don't need to tell you but he did not come back in with the money. What is worst is that I am chicken to call him and ask for the money. AHHH I know it will be OK. I know it will have to be this way and things will get better but it sucks. It sucks hard. So now I am going to go sulk for a while. Thank you for reading.

Revelation

Ok so I am driving this morning following along my normal routine. Kiley is nicely tucked in the back seat eating her mini pancakes. I was singing along to Christmas music. When the music stopped my little girl continued singing. (Well AHHHH counts as singing). It was at this time it hit me. I am a mommy!! I am a frigging mommy!!! I am responsible for that little adorable girl. I can screw her up as my parents screwed me up. Oh my God I am Santa! Gulp Santa has not even started shopping. Santa has no money and no credit cards with room left. Yikes going to go throw up now.

Happy Turkey Day

Holidays, oh how I love thee!!! This Thanksgiving I have so many things to be thankful for. I just don't know how I got so blessed. This Thanksgiving is really special for me as we have Kiley with us. Last Thanksgiving Brad thanked God for the referral of our daughter and prayed for her safety and health at the dinner table. It certainly was a tear jerker. So I don't know how I won't cry at dinner this year when he gives the prayer.

Thanksgiving is a production for us. We are going to my mom's who always makes a yummy feast. We combine our Puerto Rican heritiage by having arroz con qandules, (rice with beans), lechon asado (BBQ pig) and of course the Turkey, stuffing, mash potatoes etc. Mind you there are only going to be six adults and four kids. You ask what am I bringing besides my beautiful daughter. (Which I am sure Abuela would say is all I need to bring). Anyways, this year I am bringing Salad, Corn, Desert and Lots of Wine (which I may or may not share. I mean really how else can I make it through dinner :0) LOL.

Although it is a food production it is also an emotional production. We have a typical family with typical issues. So the holidays are always fun. Nevertheless we remember and are thankful for our family (issues or none). This year we are especially thankful to those who helped us and allowed us to bring Kiley to our family. I will defintely be thinking of Kiley's BM and Mirina. My emotions are everywhere with regard to that. I pray that she is safe and has a place to share a meal. She defintely has one in our family at least in spirit. Happy Turkey Day everyone.

OK on a total waste of post I just want to say People magazine you are right!! What you ask brought this on. Well people magazine has placed George Clooney as the sexiest man alive. I don't know about you ladies out there but I love the man. Sorry Honey :0)

I was reading the article and I felt so old. Go look at the ages of these men. They are in there twenties. :0( Twenties for God's sake. It seems like it has been forever since I was in my twenties. OK I exaggerate I am 33, but still!!! I feel like a pervert reading and looking at them :0)

Date Night

Brad and I went out for a date night on Friday. It was weird not having Kiley with us. We have only gone out to eat without Kiley once since we came home. It was really weird. We were only gone for an hour but it felt like a long time and at the same time short. Does that make sense? At first Brad and I did not know what to talk about. I mean we do talk to each other. We especially try to talk and spend time with each other after Kiley has gone to bed. Lately we have not. I have been sick so I just collapse after she goes to bed. Furthermore, Kiley has a stomach virus so she is not her normal self. Needless to say we are just in Kiley mode.

I grew up with parents that did not talk to each other very much. It was very hard to grow up like that. It always felt cold between. As I got older I promised myself that I was not going to be one of those couples. It was no surprise when my parents told us that they were divorcing after 27 years. It was sad and at the same time a relief.

Needless to say, I was worried (and I guess a part of me still is) that we did not have anything to talk about. don't let me mislead you we shortly began talking about our days and tried not to talk about Kiley. However, I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to end up like my parent. I know they had a lot of other "issues" other than the lack of communication, but that fear still remains. I guess this part of parenting I find harder. In my head I know that Brad and I must take care of our relationship. What is failing is my body. Again how do we keep up with being a mommy and wife (lets not even talk about work). So any words of advice?

The New and Improved

Ok so as you can tell I went to the blogger beta..It is OK. We will see how it goes. I like the fact that I can add pictures on the side. So what is up everyone? Things are going well at the Casa of Grubers. Kiley is learning to throw temper tantrums and Mommy is learning patience. She had xrays done last week for her hips but thank god everything turned out fine. Funny enough I was not worried. We had our post adoption homestudy. Nothing but good things to report. Kiley was charming, funny and smart. Incredibly I was very nervous about this visit. I love our social worker. She adopted all of her children ( China and Guatemala). She tried to warn me not to go with our agency but at the time I didn't listen. She kindly reminded me off that fact as we were talking about the pickup. I just shrugged my shoulders and told her I was a buffon. But on to exciting news.. I am so happy for Angel..Zoe is finally home. Well actually they are right now in my neck of the woods Orlando. Isn't that cool! Go over to her blog and give her some love.

Well lets see...Work is going well. I have been very very busy with asylum case. My dad visited us last weekend which is always nice. Oh you won't believe what I did ...I went to a "passion party". It was the funniest thing I have ever done. I mean all these women there looking through catalogs and products. Totally fun and totally embarrassing. I am not one to go to these parties but my good friend threw it so what can I say. So that is the latest!

Happy Halloween

Happy First Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

You are one year old today and I must admit I can't believe. You have grown sooooo very much these past months it has been crazy. I ask myself all the time what I did so right to deserve to get the chance to be your mommy. Your birthday fell on a Tuesday so we are going to celebrate it on Saturday the 14th. I hope you have a wonderful time. We are going to see Mickey, Lilo and Stich. We are eating at a character breakfast at the Polyensian Hotel at Disney. So many people are going to be there it should be a lot of fun.

My little one you are the light of our lives. Right now you are all about standing and pushing the buttons on the DVD player. You still do not sleep through the night but that is OK. You love to crawl everywhere and my goodness you are fast. You are eating all kinds of food and loving it. You love to go to restaurants and stare at all the people. You are defintely a happy baby. You giggle so loud when I chase you. You love Daddy to throw you up in the air. You have just started giving high fives. It is so cute because after you give the high five you clap. You are not walking but you will get there soon. Honey, I love you more than words can say!!! Happy Birthday.

Ramblings

So it is Brad's Birthday on the 13th and I have no idea what to get him. I feel bad because I have been focusing on getting Kiley's birthday. I definitely don't want him to feel left out. I guess I am arriving once again to the balance issue. Trying to plan Kiley's party, parent, take time to get Brad's gift and oh yeah work. :0 So I have to do major shopping.

We decided to have Kiley's birthday party the Saturday after her birthday, the 14th. We are having her party at Disney Polynesian Resort. We are doing it at the character breakfast. http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/dining/diningDetail?id=OhanasDiningPage

It should be fun. The whole family is going to be there. My nephews are super excited. Don't worry I will post pictures. Especially because now I have control of the camera. I am trying to decide what to give as a goodies...I am thinking of having leis for everyone... I don't know what else to give....any ideas??

Where in the World is Kiley's Mom

In the Asylum land....that is where...It seems that every single asylum client of mine had their trials this past month. Literally I have had 3 to 4 trials a week. So I have been very busy. Not that I am complaining because goodness knows we need the money. However, I am exhausted. So other than working my ass off I am doing well. Kiley is growing like a weed. Thank you for your nice comments about her. We think she is gorgeous but we are pretty bias. Her one year birthday is coming up. Can you believe it?? We are thinking of taking everyone for a character breakfast at Disney. I think it would be a blast. I will let you know what we decide. For some reason Kiley's birthday is hitting me really hard. Not the fact that she is getting older, I mean I don't like it but I can't control it. What I am dealing with is the sense of grief for missing her first six months. What is weird about this is that I did not have any of these emotions when we brought her home. I thought about it when we were in the process but I did not really greive. But now as we are approaching her birthday I cannot help thinking (oh alright obsessing ;o) Has anyone else gone through this?

Here is Ms. K. I don't know why blogger did not load these pictures before. The top picture is in my office today!! She was crawling around greeting clients..

My good cyber friend D, made an excellent point in her last post. I think my last post was a catalyst for it.. Sorry D... By the way her blog is AWESOME so go over to it. http://www.away2me.typepad.com/ I don't want Kiley's life to center on the fact that she is adopted. In fact Brad and his brother, Jeff, were adopted. He tells me that was how he and Jeff were raised. He states that he always knew that he was adopted. He says there was never a big sit down and explaination he just always knew. However, the fact that he was adopted was not the focus growing up and to this day. He was and is his parents son. Now Brad, I do not believe is the norm, has no desire to meet or find out about his natural family. He has simple information on his natural family which he is tells me is enough for him. Now Jeff was different, and as far as I understand attempted to contact his natural family and putting it simply he was not received.

My point is that I like all of us want to be the best mom for Kiley possible. Not the best adoptive mom, for Kiley but the best mom. I don't want her to be singled out because she does not have a baby book. I also don't want her, if she is like Jeff to not have information or explaination about adoption. So I quess my question regarding the lifebooks center on what I know about Jeff. I will also admit a portion also comes from all that I have read. So there is a little part of me that feels like I should do this. Is that right, of course not...but I must admit I felt that way. Does any of this make sense. Ok so in the grand scheme of things this is what I decided. I will update Kiley's babybook, take out the portions that aren't applicable. I have a photo album of Guatemala and all of the trips, her foster mom and the one picture of her natural mother. When and if Kiley wants to see it it will be at her disposal. We will go back to Guatemala, personally, I love the country and want to go back to see more of it. I do bring the Guatemala heritage first it is beautiful second it is really close to my Mexican and Puerto Rican heritage. Ok so I done now. I hope I did not offend anyone by this or my earlier post. I am sorry if I did and it was not my intention. Here is a couple pictures of Ms. K..isn't she getting big!!!

Lifebooks

Ok so I have been debating whether to start a life book for K. I mean she has a baby book which I have (and I say this very sheepishly )have not been really good about keeping up to date. I am hanging my head really low now. So it will not surprise you guys when I question whether I will be really able to keep up (or start for that matter) a lifebook. However, I want K to have an understanding about Guatemala and her heritage. I also want her never to be ashamed that she is adopted. It has always been our plan to tell her she is adopted. We speak about it to her already. So I have heard and read that a lifebook helps in this avenue. So I come to you guys and ask:
1) Have you done/start a lifebook
2) Should I do a lifebook
2) If so, where have you gone to look for it. (preferably something I can do as I am not handy, or creative)

Am I right

Ok now I know that I am adoption sensitive. I admit it.. I am overprotective over anyone who is and has been in the adoption triage. So when I read that a wax figure of only baby Shiloh ( for those who don't read all the trash mags like me, that is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby) was placed in the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in New York City and not her other two children irked me. I guess I was also irked because the museum is going to donate part of the entry for UNICEF... I know I am pathetic...
http://people.aol.com/people/article/0,26334,1219205,00.html

10months old

My sweet angel,

You are ten months old today, I cannot believe it. Where has the time gone? The love I and your daddy have for you words cannot express. You are the light of our lives. You melt my heart when you say Mama, (although you say indiscriminately, I tell myself you are saying it to me:0). Daddy wants me to point out that you also say dada ;0) You always wake up with a smile although you have a hard time sleeping through the night. You wake up every night at 2:30am at which time we lay on the couch where you quickly go to sleep in my arms. You refuse to be put back into your crib until you are really in a deep sleep. You think it is funny when you get to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed when mommy or daddy are to tired to stay up with you. Your Uncle Paul takes care of you during the day and you love him and your cousins. You try to imitate your older cousins, so much so, that your Uncle Paul says you follow them into the bathroom. ( I wish I had a picture of that) You also absolutely love your Godfather Uncle John. You think it is funny that he has no hair. Everyone who meets you tells us how and what a special baby you are and I must admit they are right. You have been "adopted" by everyone at church infact you have been nicknamed "Holy Cross Catholic Church's baby. Your daddy and I think it is just fine. We are beginning to see you try for your independence by clearly letting me know you do not want to come out of the bathtub by pushing my hands away or pushing the bottle away when you are done. It looks like you might have a little temper as you make a fist and get red when you don't get to crawl to Sammy's water or food bowl. Our favorite game is "its bitsy spider and peek-a-boo. Sweetie, I wish I could express to you how you have changed our life for the good. I am so excited to share in your journey and I am honored that God has allowed me to take care of you. Remember I love you (no matter what). xoxo

Advice

I am not one to be critical of people. Really I am not. However, ever since I became a mommy people have found it necessary to give their parental advice. Now don't get me wrong I love to hear people. I love to hear their experiences but unwarranted advice is really not necessary. I find it interesting how it has become almost like a phenomenon. Really I feel like everywhere I go. I get unsolicited advice. Mind you I am glad to be accepted as a mother but at the same time it feels like I am always being judged. Now of course I am always going to be judged as Kiley's mother. I am going to be judged by her actions just like she is going to be judged by me. However, please don't tell me that it is not right that my little girl uses pacifiers, or that I prefer to give her the bottle.

While I am at it, is it really necessary to ask me about Kiley's mother. Hello that is me!! OK so am I the only going through this?

Well I managed to make it. I have not written because B has been away on business. I must admit I was very nervous as it was just going to be me. Added to the stress was the fact that I had two trials this week. So needless to say nervous is an understatement. I am happy to report that Kiley and I made it. We are both just fine with no real wounds. It has been fun being with her by myself, but stressful at the same time. Does that make sense. I truly admire single mothers. I really don't know how you do it. I was exhausted every night. When Kiley went to sleep I felt like I could collapse right with you. So my hat goes out to you!!!

Not quiting

Ok as you all know, I am a nut. So it will not surprise you when I say I love the tour de france. I started cycling when I started doing triatholons and I fell in love with it. As I started cycling more I started following Lance Armstrong and his survivor story. As a result I started watching the tour. I was amazed at the strength of these riders. 2000 miles over a month, over 100 miles a day and at those amazing speed. I was hooked, So as Lance continued to beat all of the competitiors year after year I started watching Floyd Landis, a fellow member of Lance's team. He always amazed me because he continued to stick around and help Lance get through the toughest stages. Anyways, two years ago he left the U.S. Postal Team, which is now (team Discovey), for Team Phonak. I cheered him on. This year was Floyd's year. He won the tour with a 59 second lead.

The reason why I bring this up is on Wednesday Floyd was wearing the yellow jersey and had an awful run. I mean he lost the yellow jersey behind the new leader by something like eight minutes. That night at the post interview he admitted that he was defeated and said that he was out of the yellow jersey contention. But on Thursday he ran an amazing ran. He ended in leader contention by only being behind the current leader by 30 seconds. It was crazy...Anyways, after the race that day (Thursday) Floyd was asked what had happened. He said that the first hour of riding he was sulking about his bad luck. Then he decided to fight, to give it a shot. He started focusing on the positive.

I guess the point is I sometimes (alright most of the time) sulk and focus on the negative. Even with the negative thoughts I have managed to create for myself a great life. I have a wonderful daughter, an awesome husband, a sucessful law practice. So as my good friend Shelly asked me, given all that I have created to date focusing on the negative imagine what I could do if I focused on the positive. Wow!! I have a lot to think about. So will you all join me. It worked for Floyd!!

Priceless

SCENE: Hometown Pizza Joint-(Yummy pizza by the way)
B: This is great Pizza..
D: Sure is
CUT TO WOMAN COMING TO OUR TABLE
W: I don't mean to be noisy but I have seen three other Chinese Babies today at the restaurant, why do you guys adopt from China? Is it easier?
D: Um..Actually our daughter is not Chinese, she is Guatemalan.
W: Yeah I know it is another part of China..same thing.

Ok so I must come clean with you guys. I have not been posting much because I am so stressed. I am stressed beyond belief. When I get stressed, I shut down. Nothing new huh. I am stressed because we are having a lot of financial difficulties right now. It is a combination of me not working when Kiley came home and the purchase and running of the new firm. There is so much out going right now in the firm it is not even funny. I know I have only been in business two months next week. But geez..Needless to say it has made things a little hard on the homefront since we are putting everything and I mean everything into the business. It is paying off and will pay off more in the near future..but in the meantime these growing pains are killing me. To top all of this up, as every working mother, I am struggling with leaving my baby everyday. Bless his heart, Brad has been the most supportive person EVER..and I am so grateful for that. He encourages me and gives me everything that I would every need. His support makes me fight, but I am struggling with all the pressure and emotions. So there it is folks..I am fighting (anyone here the Rocky theme) but I am struggling.

Sorry it is a long post

I don't know what to write about. There is so much in my head going on that I want to write about, but I feel like I can't for I might make someone mad. The story of my life, making everyone happy. I will write about all of this later..no worries.
I will tell you guys that Kiley started to crawl as of Saturday. Yesterday she perfected the act. Crawl my Kiley, Crawl. LOL. Today she is nine months old. I think back at where we were a year ago and I just have to smile and laugh at my innocence, I figured I would be OK without a child. I knew that the good Lord knows what he is doing, so if you don't have a child he will provide in other ways. Hey I have three great nephews. Then I saw the picture of the boy we were first referred. My heart opened. I knew instantly that I was so wrong I was going and meant to be a mother. When that referral was taken from us I grieved. At that point I second guessed thought maybe God did not want me to be a mother. I was sure about that when the second and third referrals all feel through. I will admit I put up a wall before opening Kiley's pictures. I had already gone through so much. In fact that wall was there until we visited her. When I held her it was at this point that her little fists chipped at the wall. When we got into PGN and I called her foster mom after our visit and I heard her in the background the walls came. Don't ask me why..but they were down. So I began moving heaven and earth to bring her home. Now I know that she was meant to be in my life. I don't remember a time without her.

I just realized I never finished the story of our trip back home. so here it is lets just say we asked for our PINK appointment to be moved up as we were in Guatemala and it was granted. But they did not give us a time for the appointment. Our agency's representative said he would be there at 7:30 to pick us up. 8:15 still no representative. We keep calling his cell phone and finally he says he is on his way. We get down to the embassy with our agency's representative and try to explain that we were given another date to please let us. They ask for a print out of the email and of course we did not have it. I know what kind a lawyer am I. Anyways, the guard checks in with the higher ups and in the meantime we are awaiting outside infront of all these people waiting in line to be allowed a visa to enter our country. Anyways, they let us in and as we are walking into the waiting section another representative from our agency grabs me and Kiley and says they are already calling your name. I run up with Kiley to the window with Brad at my heels. I hand the lady at our window our paperwork and she says in Spanish to our agency rep...These pictures are all wrong and throws the paperwork back at me and shuts the window in our face. I look at Brad and he is frozen. Our first rep is frozen. He says I can't believe it. I look at him and go in lawyer mode and say Take to get new pictures and take me NOW....the other rep from the agency tells him the same thing and to HURRY...You think...Anyways he and Kiley and I go running out of the embassy onto the streets. (When I tell this story, Brad likes to point out that I am in heels through all of this with Kiley in the baby bojourn. Hey I can do anything in my heels.) I realize I have left my passport, ID, and money with Brad. I thought Oh my god here I am running in the streets, from the U.S. Embassy, with a Guatemalan baby..People are going to think the worst of me. Anyways, we get her pictures redone and come back. I must say they are better than the original one. As we are walking back into the embassy the second representative comes up to me and tells me that we are next at the window again. I look for Brad, but Kiley had already spotted him and was smiling at him. We go over to him and my mom and take a deep breath. Before I could straighten out my skirt our name is called and we go into a small room. We are asked whether we visited Kiley and when. I gladly show him pictures and ticket stubs from our visit. But he did not want to see them. Then we are told to wait in the lobby area with all the other adopting families. One by one the families are going then we hear over the intercom. and finally the last family to be help today the _family) ...US.. We go up and as we lift our hands to swear that everything in the application was correct Kiley put her hands to both our faces. I hear my mom crying in the background and we hear the sweetest words I am approving your application. You can come for your visa when it is ready. I kiss Kiley and Brad and we go over to my mom and hug her. We leave for the Hotel. I don't break down until I saw the visa stamped in her passport. At that point I call my sister and start to cry. It was at that point that I realize that God did want me to be a mom he wanted me to be a mom in his way and at his time. It was almost like he spoke to my heart that I was given this immense responsibility of protecting this child and watching her grow and to be a part of her journey of life. I owed it to her, to Mirina (FM) and to Kiley's BM.

I say all of this because I was watching Mad TV on Saturday night and there was a skit of this guy who adopted a child from China. Of course it was a doll, anyways the point is the guy stated he adopted the child as every other actor in Hollywood was adopting. Then in the "act" he states that he is going to return the "child " to the orphanage and adopt her sister as she was not behaving properly. This skit hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep or what. But I was like WTF...I felt like it was a mockery of everything that we all have and are going through this process. A mockery of the love I feel for this little one. To me it was implying that we could not possibly love a child and would give it back or send our daughter back if she was not perfect. Or worst yet that we are adopting because we want the perfect child. I am still reeling from it. Again, it was suppose to be funny, I know this. I just did not think it was. I know this is all because of lack of sleep, but please someone out there tell me I am not off my rocker for getting a little upset by the skit.

I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted. First if you get a chance go over to Angel's blog and give her some support, blogger love if you will. Poor thing waiting to re-enter PGN to finally be able to bring Zoe home.

Fathers Day was a hit. I made brunch for Brad and Kiley's godfather John. Full spread, eggs, pancakes, sausages, plantain, fruit salad..You get the picture. I must admit that Brad did help me. Poor guy. I told him that I would do it all but he said he really liked to cook and wanted to help. God I love the man. All day was dedicated to Brad, so Kiley and I did whatever he wanted all of which consisted of watching the world cup games, and going for a long walk. Funny story...When Brad and I decided to change Kiley's birthname, it was very important for us to select a name which we felt she would not get teased. So for father's day I bought Brad a money clip and went to get it engraved with Kiley's initials and birthdate. So anyways...I go to the local Things Rember and start to give Kiley's initials. As I gave them I noticed the salesgirl give me a weird look. I look down to the paperwork she was filling out and there I see Kiley's initials..."KEG" So I ask you will my daughter be popular or what!!

Thank you for the advice on the teething..Kiley seems to have a mouth full of teeth coming in. My poor baby girl must be very uncomfortable. The peditrician, whom we saw this past Monday, noticed it right away. On a side note, in regards to the vaccinations, we are going to run a titer when she is 1 year old to see the levels thanks for that recommendation. The doctor also found her to be just perfect. YIPPIEE

Anyways..I have not resolved the issue of doing it all. The biggest issue that I continue to be dealing with is a fear that Kiley will not (or has not) bonded with me. Does this ever go away? I mean really I want to be able to relax about this and have faith but for some reason I just can't. Pathetic, Crazy..I think so.

Teething...Oh how we love thee...

As you can tell Kiley is teething which means mommy and daddy get no ( or very little sleep). So that leads me to ask..How does one function without sleep? I mean really, I was in court the other day and I swear I saw two judges. HEE HEE. Luckily the Judge did not see me yawning. Not good!!! Nevertheless what can we do. As Brad says, enjoy every stage.

While I am at it..Let me also ask "how do we balance and keep our identity . Let me preface this by saying I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. It is the best thing in the world. God certainly gave me a great gift by allowing me to raise Kiley. Being a mom is part of my identity just as is Wife, and daughter. But what makes me is also a lot of other things. I am an attorney, I am a reader at our church, I am a ministry leader at my church, a triathelete and marathoner. I considered all those part of my identity. As you can imagine I want to do all of these things but I am a realist and know that something has to give. So how do we decide what has to be cut? How do we become OK with that decision. Part of me misses being in a swimming pool training for a triatholon. Another part of me would feel guilty not being involved any longer with my church, especially given the gift of Kiley. So how do we do this. How do we do it all?

Routine

Thank you guys for the wonderful encouragement on my firm. I think I am finally getting into a routine of sorts. It is a drastic change to be a working mother and then to top it all to be working for yourself. I am not sure I would recommend adopting and staring your own business at the same. But what is done is done. Clients are comings in which is good. I have an ad going out on June 8. Scary to see a cheesy lawyer ad. I feel really scummy about it but I need to get my name out there. Right now the clients have been referrals from the gentlemen I bought the firm from. But that can only last so long.

Lets see..Kiley is doing wonderful. Growing as a weed. Question for fellow readers...The pediatrician recommended/wants to redo all of her vaccinations?? Does this seem right? Anyways we had a great memorial weekend. We went over to our friends house where we BBQ and swam in the pool. The amazing part is that Kiley got into the pool and loved it. The amazing part of this is that Kiley did not enjoyed taking bath when we got her in Guatemala. I immediately starting co-bathing with her and she was fine. She began to actually enjoy taking baths. I really believe it helped our attachment. Anyways, since we went into the pool she has been a big girl and taking her bath without me.

I still have a lot of guilt leaving her. Its funny we get home and I am afraid I smother her. I am always laying on the ground with her, grabbing her, kissing her. I don't know if that is normal. I know that B has to pay some attention to her as well but I hog her. I realize or feel like I hog her because I am so insecure. Now don't get me wrong B, pays a lot of attention to her. He also holds her kisses her, changes diapers. In fact it is really cute for she follows him with her eyes and lifts her arms to him. But I still feel like I have to make her love me. Does any of this make sense. Am I so off my rocker??

MIA

Oh guys I am so sorry that I have been MIA. Let me give you a quick update. On Monday I opened my law office. My practice centers in Immigration. Ironic huh!! I actually purchased an existing firm. Needless to say I am excited but overwhelmed and suffering from mix emotions. I am on one hand trying to open and keep business coming in and on the otherhand I dealing with "bad mommy emotions" for having to go back to work. Please no flaming. I wish I could stay at home but I can't. I do know that once the firm gets up and running I will have more flexibility with Kiley. I am leaving Kiley with my brother-in-law (who is a stay at home dad) during the day. I don't drop her off until 10:00am and pick her up at a little after 5:00. My office is only 8 miles from my home and only 4 miles from my brother-in-laws. Also, since I am my own boss I can leave at any time if an emergency presents itself (or if I darn well feel like it). I guess these emotions are growing as I also believe I am suffering from some post partum depression. All I can say is UGH!!!

Do you see why we are in love!! Presenting Kiley Eileen Dafne Gruber!

Changes

How do I express or describe the changes that have occurred with Kiley coming home? I don't think there are words that describe it. I will say that I first expierenced the issue of not feeling entitled to being a mother. I felt (and to be honest sometimes still do) that I don't deserve this wonderful girl. I noticed in those times that I felt more like a babysitter. I have been working through these feelings and am fully embracing being this little girl's mom. Quite honestly, I am just so honored. Anyways, I have read and been told that it is pretty normal.

Kiley took to Brad right away. In fact when we first came down stairs and saw her when she first heard his voice she immediately turned to her head to him and gave him a beautiful smile. I swear she remembered him. It seems that our little girl remember her daddy telling her that she could not forget us. She and I have been working very hard to attach, I carry/wear her a lot on, co bathe, and do the feeding. I really believe it not only helps Kiley attach but it actually helped/s me.

So let me tell you part one of our coming home story. We arrive Wed the 4th. This time we stayed in the Marriott. Brad was cool and surprised me and got us into the two story suite. The space was well worth it. As I stated in my eariler email, the Guatemala coordinator for our agency called us and told us that Kiley would be brought the next day at 11:00a.m. as she had the embassy doctor's appointment. This was great for us it gave us an opportunity to get settled in. We had dinner at the bar/restaurant at the Marriot. That place was really good. I actually had a beer. We went to bed early as we had been traveling all day. We get the call and my poor mom. I thought she was going to faint. I was really calm surprisingly. We get to the lobby and I immediately go over and give hugs to everyone. Kiley was in deep sleep and totally covered by a blanket so I could not see her. Now Kiley's foster mom, Mirina, did not look happy at all. I figured this was pretty normal. So I go and take care of all the paperwork with our facilitator. In the meantime, my mom and Brad talk to Mirina and Kiley wakes up. My mom and Brad get to hold and basically love on her. After all the paperwork is done, Mirina then hands me Kiley and says "here is your daughter and please take care of her with tears running down her face. I assure her that we will and start to cry. We leave and get back to the room and my mom tells me that Mirina did not know that we were coming to pick Kiley up. Hence the really unhappy face. In fact she did not learn about us coming until after the doctor's appointment. So Mirina did not have time to say goodbye or get any of Kiley's things together. I was furious.. I had brought Mirina's phone number and I planned to call her that evening and invite her to spend time with us. Kiley was wonderful throughout the day. She smiled, played overall seemed to be adjusting. Mirina called us right after dinner very worried. She told me that Kiley was still on antibotics for a urinary tract infection. Mirina had not brought them with her as she had planned to go home right after the doctors appointment. I told her to come right away and we would pay for the cab. Mirina was so embarrassed that she could not afford a cab. I told her it was no problem. So we waited for her outside of the hotel. That is where I will leave you guys as I have already written and probably bored you to tears...Hugs...

Oh yeah can some one tell me how I can post pictures. I am trying to post a picture of Kiley for you guys...