Positive

Ok so I decided no more negative thinking. I am sorry that I have been so negative. The crazy thing is that I am really a pretty positive person. I try to be positive for everyone. You know, I am the one you want to hit when you are down because I really try to sympathize and help. But when it comes to our adoption journey I am someone I don't recognize. But NO MORE......My good friend told me that she believes that one's surroundings and the events that occur are a reflection of ones thoughts, feelings and beliefs. She made it sound so easy. Essentially it is a concept that I believe to be true. i.e., Negativity brings negativity. So I wave the white flag...I say no more to negativity. I am going to try and focus on the positive. For instance, I have a wonderful husband who loves me and loves K. He wants to go down for the pickup but may not be able to do depending on the date of the pick up and his work travel schedule. This "minor delay" only helps ensure that he can be there...What do you think working huh!!!

What more can I say..

This is the email I got this morning....

I received an update on your case this morning from *****. Your case is still in Family Court and we are waiting on the SW to issue the report. When she does, we have the Equal Rights Affidavit and the certified and authenticated DNA results to add to it and put into PGN. As soon as I hear the SW issues the report I will let you know

Oh yes, I was told how "lucky" I am to be adopting this weekend as it is so much easier. I feel really damn lucky right now. Week 16 here we go...

To say I am mad and sad and can't stop crying would be an understatement. I just called to cancel us for the baptism preparation class which was this weekend because quite frankly I don't have much hope that K is coming home soon. Also, I don't want to be around other parents... Is it bad that I don't want to be around parents with their babies or who are expecting right now? I just can't.

Here is my positive list to focus on.
1. More time to work on the nursery
2. Time to finish reading Toddler Adoption and Holding Time
3. My nephew turned 7 on Sun and his party this past weekend was great.
4. My other nephew called me his cool aunt .

If a tree falls in the forest does it make a noise????

Do you hear what hear...yup nothing yet. I told you guys that I would continue to post in order to stop myself from calling or e-mailing my cm. So there you are. Let me ask you guys..Can my senator really help??? I mean we have preapproval. The SW interview was done two weeks ago. I don't know what we are waiting for. I think they only get involve for the Pre approval step.

Oh yes, I forgot to tell you guys, my girlfriend, is throwing me a baby shower. Isn't that great. On February 25. I am so excited and yet sad and scared. It is going to be at our house. I have so much to do to the nursery before then so I will definitely have something to keep me busy. I have the crib, and crib set . Here is the set http://ww1.potterybarnkids.com/cat/pip.cfm?src=shpab%7Ccbdgnbd%7Cda%7Crshop%5Fb&pkey=cbdgnbd%7Cab&gids=w470&gids=w470

Cute huh!! What do you think?

We have painted the walls and placed wanes coating up. But I have no other furniture. I will take a picture of the half complete nursery and post it next week. That is it for now

Must Remain Calm

I emailed my case manager yesterday morning and she said that she was suppose to get an update on all of her files by Friday (today) so she will get back with us. I am resisting the urge to email her again and ask "have you heard anything". I know I have been sounding like a looser lately. Really, I am pretty calm about this whole adoption thing but being in family court since October is getting a little ridiculous. It has been 14 weeks. Ok so I decided I am just going to just keep putting entrys on this here blog until I hear something. Oh yeah I guess I am also suppose to work to...Nahh ..

CHANGE IS GOOD

Ok I give...I could not fix the links problem so obviously I changed the template. Ha there are more than one way to skin a cat. I hope this works. I am adding my links again. I know I will forget someone so please do not be offended if I forget just leave me a comment or email and I will add ya because after all I love you guys.

Hi! everyone...I am trying to fix this darn links thing...not working..Oh well...I am finding it very hard not to email our case manager to see if she has heard anything and really to make sure our document got to Guat. B and I decided we would wait until tomorrow before I email or call her as that gives her a chance to contact the Guatemala coordinator and find out a status before the weekend. Does that make sense. But the anticipation is killing me.

On a total different front, I may be going on a new work venture. I will give more details when it gets finalize. Just please send me some good thoughts. I am excited and yet scared to death.

Ramblings

I finally finished authenticating our equal rights affidavit and it got to the agency this morning. WHOO HOO!!!! I found two great courier service. One of them the courier was a wonderful woman. She shared with me how she and her hubby have been TTC for seven years and they were now looking at the adoption route. It got me thinking. It is interesting and I think kind of cool how ever since we started this process we are meeting all these great people who are going through the same experiences as us. The same people really Understand everything that we are going through. I mean I can handle hearing from you guys, "I understand" because you have been there done that. It is wonderful. I don't think I have ever experienced this before. I mentioned this to B last night and B said it probably will be this way when K, is home (God Wiling) and we meet other parents at school etc. I hope so, but I must admit I wonder. I guess it goes to my fear of being considered a second class parent. YKWIM.

Anyways, our CM said our document should get to Guatemala on Tuesday and be translated right away. These are things I like to here.. But, and you knew there is a but, I don't get my CM. When I was talking to her , (which btw is my first mistake, I should have just emailed her ) she said "well you should be right back into PGN???" HUH PGN???? . My heart jumped and I said " Did our SW report get done and we get submitted to PGN?? " She did not reply. Ahh yes the golden silence. Then she says it should be at the most three weeks from the date of the interview for the social worker report to get done. Our interview was done a week ago. No answer to my question. I hate vagueness..And I hate when someone does not answer my question. Yes I know, I am being picky. I am big enough woman to take it. I also know that she can't make the social worker type up the report. I guess I just wanted her to say. You know what, I will make an inquiry about that today or first thing on Monday, but know that it should be at most three weeks. and I am sorry that I got your file mixed up.. Maybe I am being unreasonable. Maybe I am being the woman that I said I was not going to be in this process. I know that she made a mistake. Which is OK and completely normal. I just don't understand how you can get files mixed up like that and not offer to pick up the file and get back with me later with an update? I know, maybe I am taking things to much at heart. But I am finding this to be a fault with many agencies out there. I know I would get fired if I mixed up cases. If a client calls me and asks me a question I tell them upfront that I am going on my memory give them an answer and then assure them that I will pull the file and get back with them with a status. YKWIM. Oh well...So that is the scoop. Oh yeah Lisa and her hubby went this week to visit their son. I am so happy for them and I can't wait to hear about their trip. Also, I can't figure out what is wrong with my links. I am debating going over to typepad. What do you all think. Let me know. Last thing, our friend Brian is coming in this weekend. So it should be interesting. The boys will be together. God Help me!!!

Ok I give!!

Alright I will end the story. My poor baby girl was sick all week but thank God with no fever. She had a rough time breathing at night but we used the steam of the hot shower to open up her lungs. As I mentioned earlier we met a great gal A, who was picking up her son. She took us to the pharmacy so we could buy a aspirator (I think that it is what it is called it is the thing you stick up babies nose to clear out mucus ). Note to parents going down bring an aspirator. A really showed us around and we had a great time with her and her son. We also met another couple S and C who were there visiting their son who was 4mths old. They were in PGN. They wanted to arrange a marriage between K and their son. B said that K is going to a convent so it is out of the question.

We met another great couple S and D who are using our agency. Unfortunately, they have had a rough time. Their Daughter is 12 months old. They accepted her referral when she was 3 months old and they were paper ready. They were just exiting Family Court when we were there. You heard me right 9 months and just getting into PGN. They are having the same problems lack of communication, lies etc. Their poor daughter was having a really hard time adjusting. She cried constantly and really looked scared to death. I felt so bad for the little one. sniff I taught S & D some words in Spanish which seemed to help a little. I could punch my agency for them. They are still in PGN. I pray that the PGN gods let them out soon. They are an amazing couple and gave me faith. They were taking things in stride. I realize that I am a big baby because if they can go through all of their crap with out much complaints what am I complaining about.

Ms. K is an angel. She is just a happy baby. Even when she could not breathe she just look at us with trust. She has a TON of hair. She cooed and smiled and kicked. She would look at me all the time and hold my hair when I fed her. God I miss that. Sniff sniff We took a day trip to Antigua with her. She slept the whole day in the handy dandy Baby Bjourn (everyone must have one really) as we walked and walked the beautiful city. I highly recommend going to Antigua very safe and so amazing. The volcanoes, the ruins..I could go on..and on

The night before was a very hard night for me. I started crying before and after dinner. I called my mom and sisters and cried more and more. It did not help that I walked in on B holding K and asking her not to forget us...He told her that was her only job... I stayed up all night watching her. I was much calmer the next morning and gathered myself for breakfast. However, S, A, and S came up to me at the omelet station and asked me how I was doing. Yup you guessed it. I lost it. The poor chef handed me a stack of napkins. Poor guy. He probably thought this crazy American woman who says she is an attorney. Anyways, I made it through. K recognized M really quickly which made me sad and glad at the same time. I was glad that she is forming an attachment to M, but it is bittersweet. I fed her and talked to M. She is a remarkable woman who has been doing this for 10 years. She told me how much she loved K and how she is giving her as much love as possible. I felt much better after we talked.

Let me tell you that my little girl already knows how to manipulate me... She was calm through out M and I conversation. She was smiling away drinking her bottle. However, when it was finally time I go to hand her over to M, she starts crying bloody murder. I mean blood curling cries. She cried from that moment up until they walked out the door. Yup stick a knife in me and pour salt on the wound. I am so in trouble.

Ok now we head to the airport, note to travelers make sure you pay you airport tax. We luckily had been told by our new found friends to pay it. if not we would have been SOL. Anyways I was calm, not really bitter up... until I got to the gate and saw SIX (6) babies coming home on our flight. I was happy for all of them. Really, I was and am. I just did not need to see SIX babies on my plane.

So now we are home. Our social worker interview did go forward on the Jan. 13. On Friday our case manager called and said that one of our documents from our dossier has been LOST, Yes LOST...How do you loose a document I don't know...So we have to redo this doc quickly so they can have it before we get into PGN. I am afraid that they will hold our file until they get that document. That is supposing our social work makes her report quickly. crossing fingers...Unfortunately, the Sec. of State office in Miami is now closed. So we had to send it to Tallahassee to get certified and then send it to the Guatemala consulate in Miami to get authenticated. Yup sucks ...but what are you going to do..The upside is that they found the error before we get into PGN so we should not get kicked out for that. I won't lie, at this point I just want my little girl home and I am on a bigger mission after our visit. Please pray, send good vibes, anything really, so that we get in to PGN soon. So that is the story....Would I recommend visiting ABSOLUTELY ....It was the hardest and the best thing I have ever done.

Visit continues

So where did I leave off??? oh yes at this point my vision gets blurry. B was in the dark all of this time because C, had spoken to me in spanish. He stopped using the video camera when he saw me go white and reached out to grab me before I fell. I composed myself and say to C that of course we want her and really what kind of question is that? Afterwhich I ask the million dollar question i.e., what is she suffering from...she says has had a high fever, has a severe upper respiratory infection (which turned out to be bronchitis), severe ear infection and colic because of the three (yes three) antibotics. I gave C the biggest smile and say "that's it??? I can handle that." If you have all of the medications and the doctors and hospital number. C, says are you serious??? Now this is the point that I get mad and say..."of course it is not like she is not going to get sick when she is home with us". Does she need to go to the hospital??? No C, replied. Well then , we will take care of her, after all we are going to be parents specifically god willing her parents. C, then asks whether I want for them to come and pick her up on Tuesday versus Thursday "to give me a break". I say NO!!! (mind you at this point I still have not been able to hold K, or even touch her, so I was a little bitter) in my nice lawyer tone I say that although I appreciate her concern, our trip down to Guatemala was to visit K, not to rest. At this point she shrugs and says well she is your baby. She then tells M, to hand me K, (note that she has to tell M to hand her to me. In M's, defense, she loves K very much and if I were in her shoes not knowing B or I from adam, I probably would be relunanct to hand K over to us when she was so sick like that) Well I can't describe the feeling when K was placed in my arms. It was like I was whole/full...does that make sense??? I look down at her sweet face and she is looking straight at me. No fussing, no crying she is just content. I was speechless. We chit chat with M. I could tell that she did not want to leave K and I tell her that she is welcome to come by the hotel if she is worried about K. At this point I guess both C and M felt like we passed the test and told me that K and everything was going to be alright. C hands me her phone number and tells me to call her at whatever time. I thank her and ask her about our social worker interview (see my prior post about the lie) she tells me that it is scheduled for 12/29/..I thank her again M, kisses K. We head up to our room and I begin to cry. More to come

Our visit trip part 1

December 24. Our flight was at 7:00 am to Atlanta where we were would connect to Guatemala City on Christmas Eve. The evening before (Dec. 23) we packed ferviously and we both did not sleep well as our neighbors behind us decided to throw a HUGE party (lets not forget our nerves). When I say Huge, I mean Huge It was 2:00am and they were still partying and we could clearly hear them in our home with the tv and radio on. Too bad we weren't invited. I eventually had to call the cops when they starting running in our yard. Anyways, we get to the airport and I buy some neat Florida stuff for M (K's foster mom) . As we are boarding Brad realizes he forgot his cell phone. Mind you we had set up his cellphone with an international plan as it has international capabilities. We at this time were not sure about my phone. Our flight to Atlanta ran a half an hour late so when we got to Atlanta and given that we had a short layover they had already given our seats away. We still manage to get on the flight. We board and I must admit that I kept looking around at everyone wondering what am I doing??? I hope that does not make me bad. It was so overwhelming. B turned to me and said "well this is it we are going to see our little girl" and it was at that time that I realized that I had not been breathing. I get my IPOD out and relax. As we start descending all you see is green. It was beautiful. We get to Guatmala City and go through customs. It was really easy!! Stamp here Stamp there...then the luggage saga begins. Note to those traveling to Guatemala take a carryon with extra clothes for everyone including the baby.. Now we did not loose our luggage but others did. It was a little crazy as the luggage cart broke down so we waited over an hour to get our luggage. Our flight arrived at 1pm. We finally get our luggage and head out looking for the Westin's shuttle bus. And we continue to look..and look.. I call the Westin they say they will be there shortly. We exchange our money and wait and wait. We stayed behind the glass doors as I felt it was safer since there was a lot of people waiting for families and quite frankly I was a little overwhelmed and tired at the moment. Ok I admit I was being a little neurotic. Anyways B spots the shuttle and we head out of the airport. As we head to the shuttle there are a group of children who begin tapping and asking us for money. I had bought a whole bunch of candy for the kids since I expected this. It was nice and awful at the same time to see how happy M&Ms and Snickers bars made them. In the shuttle we met a wonderful women A, who was on her pickup trip. Trust me when I say that A, was a lifesavor!!! Now by this time it is 2:45 and Ms. K is suppose to be dropped off between 3:00 and 4:00 pm. and we are just leaving for the hotel. Talk about getting your heart rate up. We get to hotel and check in and we are in our room at 3:10. At 3:15 our phone rings and I hear " Mrs. G, this is C, your facilitator, I have your baby in the waiting room" . I could not speak for a moment and I gather myself and say "we will be right down." My hands are shaking now. I look at B and he has tears in his eyes and I say don't start yet and give him a hug. We get our camera and head down to the elevator. B was following me and I head in the wrong direction. Go figure!! B laughs and we make to the elevator and get to the Lobby area. The Westin has two lobby areas. Which one do you think we went to ...you guessed it the wrong one. Anyways B spots everyone and we head towards them. It seemed like time was going very slow at this point. Before I can reach K our faciliator C, steps in front of me and says HI, I am C, at this point you could be the pope for all I care I want to see K...I smile at C and say my greetings and try to look at the beautiful bundle in M's arms, she says "here is your baby she is beautiful but she is sick do you still want her?"......

checking in

Hi everyone! Happy New Year!!

We did get back safely. It was an amazing trip. I will write about it in detail next time I promise. All of you adopting from Guatemala I highly recommend visiting. However, right now I am so down it is not funny. Please bear with me as I spill my guts out. All I have done is sit in the fetal position and cry. I feel like I can not trust my agency or the persons they hire down in Guatemala so I am going out of mind. Long story short we were lied to by the facilitator while we were down there. I specifically asked her when our interview with our social worker was and she gave me the date of the 12/29. Great I thought. I finally have the answer. Low and behold the day we get back from Guatemala I get an email from my case manager giving me the "good news" that our social worker interview is on wait for it....January 13...what??? I email (and call twice) and basically say "No..the facilitator said to me as I was holding my baby that it was to take place on 12/29." THREE DAYS later she replies back "The facilitator must have mispoken when she gave the 12/29 date. Since our Guatemala coordinator spoke with the facilitaor's office on the 12/30." I don't understand,, Ok lets see here if the interview is not until 1/13/05 we probably will not be in PGN until the beginning of February. That is if the sun, the moon and the social worker timely completes the report. God knows when we will get out of PGN but the average stay is 33 days. I guess the major problem here is that 1) I hate to be lied to; 2) I wanted and had my hopes on the fact that we would be out of Family Court by now..furthermore it was partially based on the information our facilitaor gave us. The thought that we have been in Family Court since October 28 and that we will not get out until February has sent me over the edge. It also means K is just getting older. I had so hoped that she would be home at 5 months and I don't see how that is going to happend. Lest not forget that I miss my baby like crazy. The completeness she brought to me. The way she made me a better a person. So right now the thought of someone bringing their babies home (getting Pink) or getting out of PGN does not give me comfort. I am so happy for everyone who has and is out of this hell but I can't help feeling jealous and yes sorry for myself. Please don't flame me it is just the space that I am in right now. I won't be in it long. Lastly, what is up with this blog????.I do not know what is going on with my blog specificaly why no links or anything for that matter is showing up. I will try and fix it. I would hate to have to move now...UGH