First things first, Herbie is A OK!!! It seems I pulled in a little to close in a parking space (allegedly) so the underneath panel protecting the air conditioner fan was pulled. It was an easy fix. Actually the shop did not charge us a dime. Isn't that wonderful. I am so in love with them right now.
So here is the deal. I want to go back home to Puerto Rico for a visit with Kiley sometime soon. My family in Puerto Rico has not met Kiley. The exceptions are my grandmother and uncle. However, my grandmother is 88 years old. Thank God that she is in good health but you never know when they reach this age. Moreover, I really want to go and experience some loving Grandma care. I want to go sit on the beach with Kiley. Sure I we have beaches here and we;ve taken Kiley but I want really warm clear blue water. I want to walk down to the end of the street to the bakery and get some fresh bread. I want to sit and do mundillo with my Grandma and her church friends. We sit on the porch and lace and watch everyone walk out to the town square. I even miss the darn rooster. I don't know what has brought this up. But it is there. What is the problem you ask? Just go...
Well it seems like Brad has the same calling but for his home town of Holton Lake Michigan. We can only afford to take one trip. Now mind you I have no problem with the north or Michigan for that matter. But really do you think of going to Michigan in the summer. No!! Let me just state for the record that Brad has no family remaining in Holton Lake. However, and very importantly Brad wants to go visit his mother's and brother's (Jeff's) grave. OK I know I am sounding selfish right now but hear me out. I want to go to the grave site. I think it is a beautiful thing. I want to thank his mother for raising such a wonderful son. I want them to see what a good family Brad has. How wonderful his relationship with Kiley is. It is the other stuff that bothers me of the trip. Brad's' family was very against us getting married. They did not want him marrying a "non white" Hispanic and to top it off a Catholic. (His family are preachers who for some strange and absurd reason think Catholics and the Catholic Church are evil) I know makes no sense. So we had a huge obstacle to overcome. We are still dealing with it. Honestly his family is the only issue we have. Now I am not so bad. I do not hold a grudge. I constantly encourage Brad to talk to his family. I ask about them, I pray for them. We meet with his family members when they come here. Only really his uncle. Anyways, I treat them with kindness and really compassion. I know they don't know what they are saying is wrong or hurtful it is just is. So I pray and mediate before I see them. I have only gone to Michigan twice since our relationship started. Both times very short and for funerals. The last time I was there I spent a lot of time with my blackberry. Anyways, I am really hesitant to go to Michigan. Brad wants to go take Kiley and do the rounds to family. These are the same people that did not accept me I worry about Kiley. I have tried explaining this to Brad. But he is insistent on wanting to go. He assures me that he will protect us. That everything will be OK. I have to believe him. I have to believe that it is life lesson for me and Kiley. Kiley has to learn to deal with people who may not like her. Maybe they will love her and it is just me they have problems with. That would be my life lesson I think. I would be OK with that. As long as they are good to Kiley and Brad I can handle it. I don't want any tension I don't want Kiley to feel at all that I don't love or appreciate his family. That would really suck. However, I still am unsure. I will keep you guys updated if we really go. The funds are an issue at this point. We will see.

Oh Oh

Scene

Telephone ringing ringing

Hello this is Brad.

Hi Honey..um you need to come to my office

Why?

My car is broke.. (figured no reason to beat around the bush)

WHAT!!!!

Yeah there is part hanging off it hitting the road.

I'll call you back...CLICK

You think he is mad???

Doing better

Today is a better day. I don't know if it is because it is Friday but anyhow it is much better. I thought I would share on this Friday some pictures. It has been a while so here it goes

Emotions

Emotions are funny creatures. It seems at least for me that they take a life of their own. I try to control them but they seem to have a life of its own. Today is one of those days. Deep breathes. I really hate this feeling. I hate having panic attacks. My chest gets so tight. I can't breathe and I wait for everything to go wrong. Kind a like chicken little story. Remember the chicken keeps stating that "the sky is falling". I feel like the sky is falling. I feel like the world is falling. Really I am a sane person. The meds have help so much and I know that everybody has these type of days. Especially in my line of work. I was happy last night as one of Brad's dinner guests was a litigation attorney. The gentlemen asked Brad how I handled the stress. To which he replied "not very well". I laughed when he told me this. The other attorney made Brad feel really good as he is going through the same thing. He reminded Brad of how stressful our job is. How we feel so responsible almost to a fault. Brad said he described to him exactly what I go through. Waking up in the middle of the night to send an email to myself about some minor point. Or waking up in the middle of the night to go to the office to double check that something went out via the mail. Brad told me that he felt like finally someone understood him. He finally got that "you/Dennise is not the only one who goes through this." I was so happy for Brad. My husband is a great guy but I know he does not have a lot of people which he feels he can relate to. So there it is folks...I thought I would keep the blog real by letting you know how I feel today. All together inhale and exhale. Nah didn't work for me either :0) I am going to go call my therapist. :o)

Mindless stuff

Can I share with you guys something? You see it might be a little dumb but it is the little things that make me happy. Brad has his annual sales meeting here in town so I can't bother him so here it goes...I found a new restaurant for lunch. I just had the yummiest avocado wrap EEEEV--EVER. In addition I am drinking the best ice green tea latte EVER!!! All organic folks. Vegetarian... The place is called Infusion Tea. OK so it is a little on the pricey side but oh my Gosh was it so worth it!!! So the next time you are in Orlando try it it was so yummy.

Craziness that is called my life

Friday..Thank God..Well I have to tell you I am excited for this Father's day. I am excited as I have a good financial week at work so I can actually buy Brad something. I always feel bad for him. He really does the get short end of the stick. Since Kiley has been home we really have been strapped financially so I have not been able to get him something for father's day. This year is going to be a little different. I would tell you guys what I am going to buy but he reads the blog. (Sorry Papi ...no hints and I love you ;O) )...I want once again to brag about Brad in honor of father's day. I wish you guys could see him with Kiley. He is the best dad ever. I thank his dad and mom everyday for raising such a good guy. It is a wonder how I ended up with him. I mean it is a fact that when you have a low self esteem you tend to attract and date people who are not the best. Ok maybe that is not right now that I think about it. Every person we encounter comes and brings something to our journey of life. It is all meant to be. Life lessons and all. Gosh sorry I went off on a tangent again. The point is I was dating not so good guys before I met Brad. I normally would not take a second look if it was someone like Brad. You know decent, good looking, kind. But the universe had something different in mind. I did not fight it I just went with it. So here it goes, I have no special words for Brad on father's day so I took from EE Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Tattoos

I have always thought of myself as open minded. BTW I hate when people start off sentences like that but bear with me here. ;0) I mean I practice Yoga and yet I am catholic. I firmly believe that God loves all of us and that we are entitled to be ourselves. We should not judge people as we do not live in their shoes. Certainly there are things that we should not tolerate at all as a society but you get my drift. Anyways, I have two (now three) tattoos which I love. It is interesting to see the prejudgements that people have about it. They really do treat you differently. My first tattoo is a beautiful butterfly which is on the top of my left foot.

I don't have a really good picture to post right now. I got that tattoo when I was in my early twenties. (Let me side track here and say that I met the WWE wrestler Billy Gun at the tattoo shop. He was so nice.) I was going through a rough spell at that time. (Think Brittany Spears drama)It was really weird I was so numb. I was just functioning. No joy, no sadness, nothing. I needed to feel something so I thought why not pain. Hence a tattoo on the foot. It was a good experience. I was hooked. I finally felt something.
The second tattoo is a fairy on my lower back. I decided to get it as I felt like I was floating through life, not enjoying it rather just flipping here and there. It is really in my opinion a cool tattoo. The fairy has brown hair with blond highlights like I wear my hair most of the time.
Now to present day. I got the UM symbol on my wrist. Now this is a big move for me. First it is a tattoo and Brad hates tattoos. Second, it is in a visible spot. I have to be careful in my work. Nothing like showing a judge a tattoo. But the UM mantra is big for me. It is essentially a reminder to me about being center. Sure it is a symbol of the life force. Which in my case is God. I need that reminder. I need to be center. I need something in my life to ground me. I need something that will remind me that someone(something) is in control and it is not me. I need that permission to be me and give the rest up. Does this make sense? If I am centered and reminded of this I don't panic. I do not live in overwhelm. I so hate overwhelm. I am not a good wife, daughter and mother when I am in overwhelm. So I was out to lunch at this wonderful sandwich shop. The shop happened to be next to the tattoo parlor that I had previously gone to. Before I knew it I was sitting in the tattoo chair. My artist name was Doug. Doug was so nice and really he understood my needs. He was very sweet. I realized that I have my own misconceptions. Here is this big intimating guy. Literally he was 6'2; overweight with a full sleeve and nose piercing. I fully expected for him to be harsh and make fun of little ol me. I mean really what is a 34 mother, wife, lawyer doing in a tattoo parlor. Then we started talking. He has an education in Finance actually he worked as a financial planner for many years tattooing on the side. He told me that he began to make more money as a tattoo artist and that is when he changed careers. Interesting right. He was nothing short than a teddy bear. I realized that I still have these prejudgements. Wow I need to change that. It was a great life growing experience for me. Isn't that great. I won't lie it hurt and Brad was super mad at me. I probably should have told him before I got the tattoo. :0) But do I regret it. No, maybe the timing and not talking to Brad bit but not the tattoo.

It is interesting the reactions that I have gotten. Since my other tattoos were easily hidden I rarely get comments about them. Sure the people that paid so much attention would say something. But that has been nothing since I got the latest tattoo on my wrist.. oh Nelly... . My grandmother was so funny she said it was just another way to identify my body when I am dead. My mom did not have a comeback to that. But you know what... it is OK. Maybe I will be a growing life experience for someone.

Martian Child

On a recent trip to vegas they played this movie on the flight. I have been wanting to blog about it since. I honestly do not have words to do this movie justice. I loved it. I recommend it to everyone. Although we did not adopt an older child I can relate to the emotions protrayed in the film. I debated whether I wanted to buy as I was not sure how Kiley would feel about it as she got older. I have this weird dream of her going through my stuff after I am dead (kinda like the bridges of madison county) and she ran across this movie. In my dream she cried as she had felt the same way the little boy felt in the movie. The movie made me more aware of her feelings about adoption. It makes us talk more about it. We talk about adoption all the time in front of her. But I still fear she will have issues with it as she grows up. The movie brought up some of those issues. Let me assure you that this is not a bad thing it is a wonderful thing. Anyways the movie was great. I laughed and cried. All I can say is see it you will love it.
" I don't want to bring another kid into this world but how do you argue against loving one that's already here<

Is it June already

I mean really, how does time go by so quickly. My assistant left today on maternity leave. Her c-section is scheduled for Wednesday. As a result I am by myself..as in BY MYSELF...ALONE...SOLA...now for some people this might seem good. For me not so much. I tend to lose focus when I don't hear someone typing in the next room. Or someone to remind me ... say that your client's brief for the appellate court is due on Friday so you may want to start it..Minor stuff like that. (Rest assured I finished the brief and it is in the mail.) Nevertheless being in my office today was not so bad. Poor Brad called me several times to check on me as well as my secretary Brenda. But the stillness made me think. Why do we fear being by ourselves. Why is it necessary to have someone right there. I don't know the answer it was just something I was pondering. Anyways, as I played today I changed my blog a little I hope you guys like it. Let me know your thoughts. I will write tomorrow about my latest tattoo experience. Oh yeah guys and I hate to sound like a scratched record. (Don't tell me you have not heard of a record we are not that old and if you have not don't tell me ;0) ) remember join RLC. I read yesterday 2.5 million children are orphaned by AIDS. The affect that this can have not only in a child's life but on the world economy is devastating. Please take a moment and think about it. Lots of Love..D