Let me start out by saying that I am so thankful for everything I have this year. I have my daughter and husband who are both in the best health. I have my animals whom I adore. I have a roof over my head. Why should I be down and sad. Well as everyone knows I started my own firm in May. This has been a new adventure for me. No steady paycheck, overhead to be responsible for. You get the picture. The issue is that business is really really slow right now. Now mind you I have spoken to other lawyers in my same field all of which have told me that they are in the same boat. The difference is they have been in business for a while so they have had time to prepare for the slow time. Me ..not so much. So here it is Christmas time and I literally have no money. I mean I have no money to pay the bills for the business and therefore none to help at our home. The dilemma is it is Christmas and I want to buy (and in the past have had the discretionary income to buy) everyone great gifts. While I was in Guatemala last Christmas visiting Kiley I dreamt of her being home and I being able to give her the most wonderful Christmas. This included a stocking full of gifts, presents under the tree. I know she is only 13 months and won't remember Christmas, but I will. I have not been able financially to buy her one gift. Now I know I can get her little things trust me I will. But I am so angry that I just can't go and buy whatever I want for her and for Brad. I mean I know this whole post is sounding oh incredibly selfish but this is my outlet. I feel like I am letting her down. I feel like I am letting everyone down. The worst part of this is that I am selfish and I enjoy giving gifts and seeing everyone's faces. I also, dare I say, enjoy receiving gifts. Which I know I won't receive this year. I know..I know it is wrong...but lets be honest here! :0) So I am dealing with my issues of anger surrounding this Christmas. I really believe I was suppose to open this firm. I love my job and I am so much happier. I am also around Kiley all the time which my other job would not allow me. What could be better. (just a few more clients). I also am angry at myself. The long and short is I lent someone whom I trusted $1,000.00 of money which was already spent on bills for my firm supposedly for 24 hours. I only lent him the money because I really believed he was going to pay me back the money right away. I did not and do not have the money to lend him. He was to return the next morning with the money. I don't need to tell you but he did not come back in with the money. What is worst is that I am chicken to call him and ask for the money. AHHH I know it will be OK. I know it will have to be this way and things will get better but it sucks. It sucks hard. So now I am going to go sulk for a while. Thank you for reading.
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