Many apologizes

I am so sorry that I have been MIA but as you can imagine it has been crazy. Thank you for thinking of us. So here is the update. WE ARE HOME WITH OUR MAYAN PRINCESS!!! My life now feels complete I feel at whole. Does that make any sense. It was definitely a crazy trip down there but in the end it all worked out. Ok so here is the story in short...On Wed we flew out to beautiful Guatemala. We stayed at the Marriott this time as the Westin was closed for remodeling. (On a side note I really prefer the Westin.) We went down as we were told we had Pink but no one knew the date of our appointment. Our case manager told us that the appointment could be as early as Friday or after Easter. I know confusing???? Well this did not surprise me given our agency's stellar record of communication. The head Guatemala Coordinator for our Agency was in Guatemala visiting babies at the same time so low and behold as soon as we checked in to the hotel she called us and told us she personally would find out the date of our appointment. In the end we got an appointment for that Friday and came home Monday. I will write more this weekend because as you can imagine it did not go this smooth. I tell you I really believe that we would not be home yet with Kiley if we did not go down there. Nevertheless, Kiley is adjusting and is the light of our lives. God does give you angels.

We are here

We made it in this afternoon. Kiley will be brought to us tomorrow after her embassy doctor visit. Although I would love to see her it is ok. We do have PINK but no one here seems to know when our appointment is.. I know.. what can I say...I am glad we came so we can get this whole situation straighten out. The Guatmala Coordinator for our Agency is here and is going to meet us tomorrow at 11:00am. Hopefully we can find out when our appointment date is and we can come home. Our flight back is on Wednesday. We will see. I will try to update later.

Don't get excited

For we do not have Pink yet.. We were submitted on last Thursday so we should here today or tomorrow. I am so excited. We tentaively reserved airline tickets leaving Wed. I know, premature. But whatever. I feel really bad for Lisa (Domonic's Homecoming). Domonic is still in the hospital with the Rotoavirius so please go over and give her some love. BTW what is this Rotavirus and should I be worry?? It seems like I am hearing a lot of people suffering from this. Yikes freaking out now.. Will keep you guys updated.

PGN

Oh Happy Day!!
Wait for it......

Yup!! We are O...U....T. OUT OUT OUT!!!!

Can you tell I am excited. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me. It has been rough. Especially, because I left my old firm to start my own practice. It has been crazy. I will defintely blog about that later. ;-) You don't know how much your words have ment to me . We don't have a GC BC so hopefully we can leave soon.

How Much ???

Ok after that sorta uplifting somewhat positive post, I write to say I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think I can do it. What is the breaking point you ask. My darling husband pratically in tears at dinner last night. He told me that he is having a hard time waiting and just wants her home and pratically broke down. My husband is the most patient and wonderful man ever. He is my rock and to see him so upset..well...I can't do it. I don't think it is fair that we got kicked out and are still waiting. It is not fair that our case manager is away so I can't bug her to death. It is not fair that others who entered PGN way way after me are bringing their babies home. (please don't flame me, I am really happy for those families..really I am) So there it is folks. Please pray, send positive engery ...whatever so we get out of PGN. Kiley is 5 months for goodness sake.!!!

PGN Day 41, approaching the end of 5 weeks
Manatra: We will be out of PGN anytime now!!

Lightbulb

Lets get the adoption status out of the way shall we....It has been 14 days since we re entered and as of Sunday we are still waiting. ( Case Manager has a family emergency and will be out till next week so I have no news) We have been in PGN for a total of 39 days, five weeks. (But who is counting!!)

Ok with that out of the way I want to tell you about a wonderful lightbulb expierence I had yesterday. Sorry it is going to be long. As background I need for my sanity to work out. Trust me when I say need, I mean NEED to workout. I am so fortunate to have a wonderful husband who understands and accepts that part of me. So I go to Pilates twice a week, after which I do cardio for another hour and another day of Personal Training (the gym calls it Body Shock) and you guessed it Cardio. I like to torture myself so I do Triatholons and use to do Marathons before my knees said enough. Anyways, I am not trying to boast here. Really... I do this stuff as it helps my mind. I have struggled with an eating disorder for many many years along with having a bum liver so I need to work out.

Long story short, prior to joining my current gym I use to go to this little (now big) yoga studio called College Park Yoga. Here is the website http://collegeparkyoga.com/

The instructors Theresa and Calvin are amazing. They are the most spiritual and well rounded people I have met. I absoutlely love them. The type of yoga at the studio is "hot yoga". In other words you sweat your ass off. More importantly you sweat all the impurties, all the tension all the bad energy and you defintely clear your chakras. ( I know I am sounding hippie just go with it) Well last night I decided I needed to go to Yoga. I have been working like crazy and with the adoption I figured I needed to center. I needed to sweat. Plus my second chakra needed some TLC. So I went last night. I will freely admit I have not been in a good space about the adoption. I have been angry and sad. I have not wanted to write about it as not to be a bore and be a downer. Plus, I really want to remain positive. So for all those reasons I went to class. During the class Theresa and Calvin talk. They give their two cents about life if you will. Theresa was talking about the need to stay in the present and to let everything go. We cannot change what happened in the past and we certaintly can not help what is in the future. We only can deal with the present.

While she said this I was thinking "helloooooo that is easier said then done." Theresa continued and said essentially "each moment is important...each second is important..no moment is more important than the other.. we must honor each moment and give thanks for each moment...even if it is bad.... for we learn and grown in both.....Click...lighbulb went off...How arrogant have I been..She is right... each moment is important and by me worring (ok obsessing) I have missed a lot. I have given/missed those special moments with Kiley, with Brad, with my friends and family by this worrying. UGH..does this make sense.... In the end Theresa and everyone else has been right. For the current adoption status (which I will classify as bad) has taught me the value and importance of each moment. Damn it to hell we really do learn from each moment.... So there it is my friends ...Thanks for sticking to my long story..Namaste!

Mantra: we will be out of PGN any day now

PGN: Day 39, week five.

Glimpse

Glimpse of my day!

Wake up and roll over and check to see if cell phone and phone rang..(always on )
Check to see if email came in on blackberry(which is also always on)
Shower
Think today is the day
Hope today is the day
Say a prayer of forgiveness for wanting today to be the day
Drive to work with cell phone on lap (you know, just in case ;-)
Get to office
Ask all of the secretaries if anyone has called
Get an email from CM sending information and pictures of wrong baby- yup still don't nderstand how someone can do that...anyways,
Check email and voice mail continously.
Read all of your blogs
Oh yeah, and try to do some work ;0 )

Mantra: We will be out of PGN anyday now!!

Back In the saddle again

We are back in PGN Yippie!!!! Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. I feel very relieved. I am hopeful that our wait will not be long now. I don't know if we have to wait another 20 days till we hear something else. Gosh I hope not. Anyways, I must admit I was sweating it for a while there. My good friend told me, correctly I must admit, that I was trying to control the whole situation and by doing that I would in the end push everything farther away. I looked at her like she had just fallen out of the sky. But then I thought about what she said and I realized she was right. I had to remind myself that I have to trust. I have to trust that there is a higher being that is in control and that I am not the only person involved in this. Kiley I guess needs to be at her foster moms for a reason. What that reason is I don't know but I have to trust that there is a reason. I know that I have a lot of growing up to do before she comes home. Maybe that is why she is still at her foster mom. Do you see what I am getting at. It may sound really crazy but you know it just makes sense. So along with continual positive thinking I am going to learn to trust. Trust that everything will and is working out according to plan.

In other good news Lisa and Frank are out of PGN after 67 days...I am so happy for them. It would have been nice to meet you guys but I rather you get Dominic home quickly. Also, D and her dh A, have been matched and it is looking good so far !!!!!

Mantra: We will be out of PGN anyday now!!!

This much I know is true... God blessed the broken road and led me straight to you!! Yes God blessed the broken road and led me straight to you!

-AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Kick out total days so far: 5
Mood: You don't want to know!

Bad News

KICKED OUT!!!
Yup for an error on the Guatemala side. It appears that our lovely social worker did not put a clause in her report which specifies that Kiley's birthmother could read, write and sign. No one can tell us how long this is going to be. I hope our social worker is kind to us. Please remember it took her 3 weeks to write the report. God knows how long it will take her to fix this. Please pray I make it through the baby shower tomorrow.

Silence

Is silence golden? I think sometimes it is..Like when you are meditating, or really engrossed in a good book or trying to meet a deadline. But not when you are waiting to hear from a case manager. ;-)

I must be honest. I am tired of hearing people telling me to enjoy this time of silence because the house will never be the same. Your life won't be the same. You will not be able to sleep. Oh yeah and forget about taking a vacation or playing suduko. Why do people feel it necessary to tell you all the bad things. Furthermore, is the fact that I can't play suduko and rather spend time calming a crying little girl really a bad thing? Now don't get me wrong I fully expect my life to change. I am sure that I have no clue how it is going to change. But my beef here is that there are very few people who support couples who are pregnant or adopting. Have you noticed this. My good friends John and Robin are the exception here. They tell us everyday how wonderful, and yes difficult, parenting is. They tell us we are going to enjoy every minute of it. Now I seriously doubt that Kiley is going to be an angel and I am never going to have any problems and that I am going to enjoy every minute of her precious life but the point is it is the support that they give us by those little statements that is important.

Please indulge me as I dive a little further into this. My nephew is autistic. My sister works two jobs to be able to afford and pay for his medical treatment. She would also tell you that silence is not golden in her house. Anyways, our whole family is involved as we see that she needs the support. As wives, husbands, mothers, daughters, fathers, and sons, we need the support, we need encouragement in our daily lives. Not only the major things such as adoption, infertility, but a smile encouraging a mother with a screaming toddler, or maybe a sales clerk , someone on the subway. I don't know. I know I am horrible at this. Poor Brad. But you know what, I am learning. One of the gifts that our adoption has taught me is the need for support and the giving of support. So I am noticing these things when I go out. Hopefully I will be able to do something about it. Ok I am getting off my soap box, I guess I am reaching my tolerance level of unsupported comments by people that 1) have no business saying anything in the first place and 2) those that know better.

PGN: Day 18

Mantra: "we will be out of PGN anyday now"

More ramblings

Ok this baby stuff is becoming real. Is that a good thing or bad thing? I don't know, part of me is so excited and the other part of me is scared to death. What I do know is that I can't concentrate on anything. Hence my boss is not really happy with me. What can I say. I continuously check my email for any news. I make sure my cell phone is on with a full signal and full battery. Pathetic and really quite annoying. It has only been 14 days for goodness sake. Lisa and Karen I am in awe with your patience and perseverance. Hugs to you.

My best friend, Melody is throwing us a baby shower on the 25th. My mom and sister really wanted to throw me a shower as well so hence I am having two showers. Um not to excited about the latter, sorry Michelle, I am OK with it just feel guilty having two. Anyways the point is the Melody's shower is going to be at our house. As you can imagine my house is now officially a madhouse. Our goal for the weekend is to finish Kiley's room and clean the rest of the house and animals, (even the kitties..here Kitty Kitty). However, buying the stuff for Kiley has made the finality of the adoption real. It scares me, I don't want to jinx it. For instance last night we were at Target, (my favorite store) and we saw the cutest dress. I told B, that it would be a great dress for Kiley to come home in. So he picks out the 6mth size. I look at him like he is crazy and pick up (and end up buying) the 9mth old size. You see, I can't buy something 6mths because I don't want to be disappointed and sad if she is not six months when she comes home. Does any of this make sense. Maybe I am unrealistic, Maybe I am out of my mind. Ok don't answer that last part. Sigh I thought I had a reason and a method for this post but like everything I am doing right now, I don't make any sense and end up rambling...Sorry!!! Lets not forget our Mantra "We will be out of PGN anyday now"

Positive Thoughts:

1) Shopping for Kiley is fun!!!

2) B looks awful cute buying baby stuff.

Update

Oh this positive thing must be working. We got an update we (of course) are still in PGN but more importantly we got pictures of little Ms. K . As background we have never gotten an update since referral. Anyways, she is 13 pounds. Can you believe it. The medical reports states that she can lift and maintain her head up when on her tummy. She takes well her formula. Bright objects attract her attention, and she can follow them with her eyes. She responds socially and smiles, when you smile with her . Cool huh. Then I got beautiful flowers from Brad for valentines day. Nice huh. Now if only we can get out of PGN. That is our Mantra "we will be out of PGN Any day now !!!" come on everyone say it with me. I figure it cannot hurt . ;0)

I don't think I told you guys but Brad has been gone for over a week for business. So I have been kinda down. But I have such great friends John and Robin, and Krissy. They invited me over for dinner Sat night so I went over there and had a great time. Good food, Good wine...(lots ;0) of wine) What more can one say. Sunday I cleaned cleaned cleaned and had a great brunch with my mom.

I also finished our registry this weekend. The only thing we don't have listed is the car seat. There are so many....What type/brand of car seat did you guys register for ...Convertible, infant...I am so confused. Someone please help.!!!

PGN

Good news!! After 16 longs weeks in Family Court we just heard that we are in PGN as of Friday. I am so very thankful and hopeful. To think that we are in the final stages is incredible. I now ask my other PGN waiters to move over cause we are there with you. However, my mom always taught me to bring gifts whenever I go somewhere so I come with chocolate, tequila, valium, patience and big shoulders to lean on.... Please pray, send good energy and positive thoughts, whatever you choose, just please focus that the PGN Gods will let us all out quick....There are so many others who have been waiting so long and my heart breaks for them. See Lisa http://dominicscountdown.blogspot.com/ and Karen http://karenw.typepad.com/thelonglongjourney/ give them some encouragement .

It seems weird this process that at every stage there is some kind of hang up. Right now the US Embassy is making changes which is causing major delays in all areas of this process from the DNA authorization to Pink ( which in the long and short is the official slip to come down). It really is crazy and wrong on so many levels. But we are focusing on the positive now remember, so therefore we see the changes as the Embassy's attempt to improve the system. I know, I know.. (grin) Anyways, please celebrate with us. Hopefully we will ALL be out soon.

This weekend

Since I am on the new positive thought process I went ahead and re-register(is that a word) for our baptism class this weekend. I am excited it should be fun. I think it is going to be taught by one of my good friends who is awesome and a terror on a bike. She kicks my butt everytime we ride together. Anyways, the class is this Sunday. ( I know Super Bowl Sunday) B is ready to kill me, but in my defense, it is in the middle of the afternoon. Afterwords we are going over to our friends home (who just happen to live across the street) to watch the game and party. I do love football so it should be cool. However, what I am really exicted about is that on Sat we are getting really dolled up and going out to a nice fancy dinner. Isn't that cool!! I don't know where we are going B, is handling all the plans. He bought me this really nice dress specifically for this weekend. Hmm but he did not buy shoes..I just have to go shopping...I mean really you can't go out in a new dress with old shoes can ya? As you can tell I am really looking forward to it. I believe this positive thinking is working.

D, I will work on our name...(grin and hugs)

Positive

Ok so I decided no more negative thinking. I am sorry that I have been so negative. The crazy thing is that I am really a pretty positive person. I try to be positive for everyone. You know, I am the one you want to hit when you are down because I really try to sympathize and help. But when it comes to our adoption journey I am someone I don't recognize. But NO MORE......My good friend told me that she believes that one's surroundings and the events that occur are a reflection of ones thoughts, feelings and beliefs. She made it sound so easy. Essentially it is a concept that I believe to be true. i.e., Negativity brings negativity. So I wave the white flag...I say no more to negativity. I am going to try and focus on the positive. For instance, I have a wonderful husband who loves me and loves K. He wants to go down for the pickup but may not be able to do depending on the date of the pick up and his work travel schedule. This "minor delay" only helps ensure that he can be there...What do you think working huh!!!

What more can I say..

This is the email I got this morning....

I received an update on your case this morning from *****. Your case is still in Family Court and we are waiting on the SW to issue the report. When she does, we have the Equal Rights Affidavit and the certified and authenticated DNA results to add to it and put into PGN. As soon as I hear the SW issues the report I will let you know

Oh yes, I was told how "lucky" I am to be adopting this weekend as it is so much easier. I feel really damn lucky right now. Week 16 here we go...

To say I am mad and sad and can't stop crying would be an understatement. I just called to cancel us for the baptism preparation class which was this weekend because quite frankly I don't have much hope that K is coming home soon. Also, I don't want to be around other parents... Is it bad that I don't want to be around parents with their babies or who are expecting right now? I just can't.

Here is my positive list to focus on.
1. More time to work on the nursery
2. Time to finish reading Toddler Adoption and Holding Time
3. My nephew turned 7 on Sun and his party this past weekend was great.
4. My other nephew called me his cool aunt .

If a tree falls in the forest does it make a noise????

Do you hear what hear...yup nothing yet. I told you guys that I would continue to post in order to stop myself from calling or e-mailing my cm. So there you are. Let me ask you guys..Can my senator really help??? I mean we have preapproval. The SW interview was done two weeks ago. I don't know what we are waiting for. I think they only get involve for the Pre approval step.

Oh yes, I forgot to tell you guys, my girlfriend, is throwing me a baby shower. Isn't that great. On February 25. I am so excited and yet sad and scared. It is going to be at our house. I have so much to do to the nursery before then so I will definitely have something to keep me busy. I have the crib, and crib set . Here is the set http://ww1.potterybarnkids.com/cat/pip.cfm?src=shpab%7Ccbdgnbd%7Cda%7Crshop%5Fb&pkey=cbdgnbd%7Cab&gids=w470&gids=w470

Cute huh!! What do you think?

We have painted the walls and placed wanes coating up. But I have no other furniture. I will take a picture of the half complete nursery and post it next week. That is it for now

Must Remain Calm

I emailed my case manager yesterday morning and she said that she was suppose to get an update on all of her files by Friday (today) so she will get back with us. I am resisting the urge to email her again and ask "have you heard anything". I know I have been sounding like a looser lately. Really, I am pretty calm about this whole adoption thing but being in family court since October is getting a little ridiculous. It has been 14 weeks. Ok so I decided I am just going to just keep putting entrys on this here blog until I hear something. Oh yeah I guess I am also suppose to work to...Nahh ..

CHANGE IS GOOD

Ok I give...I could not fix the links problem so obviously I changed the template. Ha there are more than one way to skin a cat. I hope this works. I am adding my links again. I know I will forget someone so please do not be offended if I forget just leave me a comment or email and I will add ya because after all I love you guys.