Revelation

Ok so I am driving this morning following along my normal routine. Kiley is nicely tucked in the back seat eating her mini pancakes. I was singing along to Christmas music. When the music stopped my little girl continued singing. (Well AHHHH counts as singing). It was at this time it hit me. I am a mommy!! I am a frigging mommy!!! I am responsible for that little adorable girl. I can screw her up as my parents screwed me up. Oh my God I am Santa! Gulp Santa has not even started shopping. Santa has no money and no credit cards with room left. Yikes going to go throw up now.

Happy Turkey Day

Holidays, oh how I love thee!!! This Thanksgiving I have so many things to be thankful for. I just don't know how I got so blessed. This Thanksgiving is really special for me as we have Kiley with us. Last Thanksgiving Brad thanked God for the referral of our daughter and prayed for her safety and health at the dinner table. It certainly was a tear jerker. So I don't know how I won't cry at dinner this year when he gives the prayer.

Thanksgiving is a production for us. We are going to my mom's who always makes a yummy feast. We combine our Puerto Rican heritiage by having arroz con qandules, (rice with beans), lechon asado (BBQ pig) and of course the Turkey, stuffing, mash potatoes etc. Mind you there are only going to be six adults and four kids. You ask what am I bringing besides my beautiful daughter. (Which I am sure Abuela would say is all I need to bring). Anyways, this year I am bringing Salad, Corn, Desert and Lots of Wine (which I may or may not share. I mean really how else can I make it through dinner :0) LOL.

Although it is a food production it is also an emotional production. We have a typical family with typical issues. So the holidays are always fun. Nevertheless we remember and are thankful for our family (issues or none). This year we are especially thankful to those who helped us and allowed us to bring Kiley to our family. I will defintely be thinking of Kiley's BM and Mirina. My emotions are everywhere with regard to that. I pray that she is safe and has a place to share a meal. She defintely has one in our family at least in spirit. Happy Turkey Day everyone.

OK on a total waste of post I just want to say People magazine you are right!! What you ask brought this on. Well people magazine has placed George Clooney as the sexiest man alive. I don't know about you ladies out there but I love the man. Sorry Honey :0)

I was reading the article and I felt so old. Go look at the ages of these men. They are in there twenties. :0( Twenties for God's sake. It seems like it has been forever since I was in my twenties. OK I exaggerate I am 33, but still!!! I feel like a pervert reading and looking at them :0)

Date Night

Brad and I went out for a date night on Friday. It was weird not having Kiley with us. We have only gone out to eat without Kiley once since we came home. It was really weird. We were only gone for an hour but it felt like a long time and at the same time short. Does that make sense? At first Brad and I did not know what to talk about. I mean we do talk to each other. We especially try to talk and spend time with each other after Kiley has gone to bed. Lately we have not. I have been sick so I just collapse after she goes to bed. Furthermore, Kiley has a stomach virus so she is not her normal self. Needless to say we are just in Kiley mode.

I grew up with parents that did not talk to each other very much. It was very hard to grow up like that. It always felt cold between. As I got older I promised myself that I was not going to be one of those couples. It was no surprise when my parents told us that they were divorcing after 27 years. It was sad and at the same time a relief.

Needless to say, I was worried (and I guess a part of me still is) that we did not have anything to talk about. don't let me mislead you we shortly began talking about our days and tried not to talk about Kiley. However, I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to end up like my parent. I know they had a lot of other "issues" other than the lack of communication, but that fear still remains. I guess this part of parenting I find harder. In my head I know that Brad and I must take care of our relationship. What is failing is my body. Again how do we keep up with being a mommy and wife (lets not even talk about work). So any words of advice?

The New and Improved

Ok so as you can tell I went to the blogger beta..It is OK. We will see how it goes. I like the fact that I can add pictures on the side. So what is up everyone? Things are going well at the Casa of Grubers. Kiley is learning to throw temper tantrums and Mommy is learning patience. She had xrays done last week for her hips but thank god everything turned out fine. Funny enough I was not worried. We had our post adoption homestudy. Nothing but good things to report. Kiley was charming, funny and smart. Incredibly I was very nervous about this visit. I love our social worker. She adopted all of her children ( China and Guatemala). She tried to warn me not to go with our agency but at the time I didn't listen. She kindly reminded me off that fact as we were talking about the pickup. I just shrugged my shoulders and told her I was a buffon. But on to exciting news.. I am so happy for Angel..Zoe is finally home. Well actually they are right now in my neck of the woods Orlando. Isn't that cool! Go over to her blog and give her some love.

Well lets see...Work is going well. I have been very very busy with asylum case. My dad visited us last weekend which is always nice. Oh you won't believe what I did ...I went to a "passion party". It was the funniest thing I have ever done. I mean all these women there looking through catalogs and products. Totally fun and totally embarrassing. I am not one to go to these parties but my good friend threw it so what can I say. So that is the latest!

Happy Halloween

Happy First Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

You are one year old today and I must admit I can't believe. You have grown sooooo very much these past months it has been crazy. I ask myself all the time what I did so right to deserve to get the chance to be your mommy. Your birthday fell on a Tuesday so we are going to celebrate it on Saturday the 14th. I hope you have a wonderful time. We are going to see Mickey, Lilo and Stich. We are eating at a character breakfast at the Polyensian Hotel at Disney. So many people are going to be there it should be a lot of fun.

My little one you are the light of our lives. Right now you are all about standing and pushing the buttons on the DVD player. You still do not sleep through the night but that is OK. You love to crawl everywhere and my goodness you are fast. You are eating all kinds of food and loving it. You love to go to restaurants and stare at all the people. You are defintely a happy baby. You giggle so loud when I chase you. You love Daddy to throw you up in the air. You have just started giving high fives. It is so cute because after you give the high five you clap. You are not walking but you will get there soon. Honey, I love you more than words can say!!! Happy Birthday.

Ramblings

So it is Brad's Birthday on the 13th and I have no idea what to get him. I feel bad because I have been focusing on getting Kiley's birthday. I definitely don't want him to feel left out. I guess I am arriving once again to the balance issue. Trying to plan Kiley's party, parent, take time to get Brad's gift and oh yeah work. :0 So I have to do major shopping.

We decided to have Kiley's birthday party the Saturday after her birthday, the 14th. We are having her party at Disney Polynesian Resort. We are doing it at the character breakfast. http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/dining/diningDetail?id=OhanasDiningPage

It should be fun. The whole family is going to be there. My nephews are super excited. Don't worry I will post pictures. Especially because now I have control of the camera. I am trying to decide what to give as a goodies...I am thinking of having leis for everyone... I don't know what else to give....any ideas??

Where in the World is Kiley's Mom

In the Asylum land....that is where...It seems that every single asylum client of mine had their trials this past month. Literally I have had 3 to 4 trials a week. So I have been very busy. Not that I am complaining because goodness knows we need the money. However, I am exhausted. So other than working my ass off I am doing well. Kiley is growing like a weed. Thank you for your nice comments about her. We think she is gorgeous but we are pretty bias. Her one year birthday is coming up. Can you believe it?? We are thinking of taking everyone for a character breakfast at Disney. I think it would be a blast. I will let you know what we decide. For some reason Kiley's birthday is hitting me really hard. Not the fact that she is getting older, I mean I don't like it but I can't control it. What I am dealing with is the sense of grief for missing her first six months. What is weird about this is that I did not have any of these emotions when we brought her home. I thought about it when we were in the process but I did not really greive. But now as we are approaching her birthday I cannot help thinking (oh alright obsessing ;o) Has anyone else gone through this?

Here is Ms. K. I don't know why blogger did not load these pictures before. The top picture is in my office today!! She was crawling around greeting clients..

My good cyber friend D, made an excellent point in her last post. I think my last post was a catalyst for it.. Sorry D... By the way her blog is AWESOME so go over to it. http://www.away2me.typepad.com/ I don't want Kiley's life to center on the fact that she is adopted. In fact Brad and his brother, Jeff, were adopted. He tells me that was how he and Jeff were raised. He states that he always knew that he was adopted. He says there was never a big sit down and explaination he just always knew. However, the fact that he was adopted was not the focus growing up and to this day. He was and is his parents son. Now Brad, I do not believe is the norm, has no desire to meet or find out about his natural family. He has simple information on his natural family which he is tells me is enough for him. Now Jeff was different, and as far as I understand attempted to contact his natural family and putting it simply he was not received.

My point is that I like all of us want to be the best mom for Kiley possible. Not the best adoptive mom, for Kiley but the best mom. I don't want her to be singled out because she does not have a baby book. I also don't want her, if she is like Jeff to not have information or explaination about adoption. So I quess my question regarding the lifebooks center on what I know about Jeff. I will also admit a portion also comes from all that I have read. So there is a little part of me that feels like I should do this. Is that right, of course not...but I must admit I felt that way. Does any of this make sense. Ok so in the grand scheme of things this is what I decided. I will update Kiley's babybook, take out the portions that aren't applicable. I have a photo album of Guatemala and all of the trips, her foster mom and the one picture of her natural mother. When and if Kiley wants to see it it will be at her disposal. We will go back to Guatemala, personally, I love the country and want to go back to see more of it. I do bring the Guatemala heritage first it is beautiful second it is really close to my Mexican and Puerto Rican heritage. Ok so I done now. I hope I did not offend anyone by this or my earlier post. I am sorry if I did and it was not my intention. Here is a couple pictures of Ms. K..isn't she getting big!!!

Lifebooks

Ok so I have been debating whether to start a life book for K. I mean she has a baby book which I have (and I say this very sheepishly )have not been really good about keeping up to date. I am hanging my head really low now. So it will not surprise you guys when I question whether I will be really able to keep up (or start for that matter) a lifebook. However, I want K to have an understanding about Guatemala and her heritage. I also want her never to be ashamed that she is adopted. It has always been our plan to tell her she is adopted. We speak about it to her already. So I have heard and read that a lifebook helps in this avenue. So I come to you guys and ask:
1) Have you done/start a lifebook
2) Should I do a lifebook
2) If so, where have you gone to look for it. (preferably something I can do as I am not handy, or creative)

Am I right

Ok now I know that I am adoption sensitive. I admit it.. I am overprotective over anyone who is and has been in the adoption triage. So when I read that a wax figure of only baby Shiloh ( for those who don't read all the trash mags like me, that is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby) was placed in the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in New York City and not her other two children irked me. I guess I was also irked because the museum is going to donate part of the entry for UNICEF... I know I am pathetic...
http://people.aol.com/people/article/0,26334,1219205,00.html

10months old

My sweet angel,

You are ten months old today, I cannot believe it. Where has the time gone? The love I and your daddy have for you words cannot express. You are the light of our lives. You melt my heart when you say Mama, (although you say indiscriminately, I tell myself you are saying it to me:0). Daddy wants me to point out that you also say dada ;0) You always wake up with a smile although you have a hard time sleeping through the night. You wake up every night at 2:30am at which time we lay on the couch where you quickly go to sleep in my arms. You refuse to be put back into your crib until you are really in a deep sleep. You think it is funny when you get to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed when mommy or daddy are to tired to stay up with you. Your Uncle Paul takes care of you during the day and you love him and your cousins. You try to imitate your older cousins, so much so, that your Uncle Paul says you follow them into the bathroom. ( I wish I had a picture of that) You also absolutely love your Godfather Uncle John. You think it is funny that he has no hair. Everyone who meets you tells us how and what a special baby you are and I must admit they are right. You have been "adopted" by everyone at church infact you have been nicknamed "Holy Cross Catholic Church's baby. Your daddy and I think it is just fine. We are beginning to see you try for your independence by clearly letting me know you do not want to come out of the bathtub by pushing my hands away or pushing the bottle away when you are done. It looks like you might have a little temper as you make a fist and get red when you don't get to crawl to Sammy's water or food bowl. Our favorite game is "its bitsy spider and peek-a-boo. Sweetie, I wish I could express to you how you have changed our life for the good. I am so excited to share in your journey and I am honored that God has allowed me to take care of you. Remember I love you (no matter what). xoxo

Advice

I am not one to be critical of people. Really I am not. However, ever since I became a mommy people have found it necessary to give their parental advice. Now don't get me wrong I love to hear people. I love to hear their experiences but unwarranted advice is really not necessary. I find it interesting how it has become almost like a phenomenon. Really I feel like everywhere I go. I get unsolicited advice. Mind you I am glad to be accepted as a mother but at the same time it feels like I am always being judged. Now of course I am always going to be judged as Kiley's mother. I am going to be judged by her actions just like she is going to be judged by me. However, please don't tell me that it is not right that my little girl uses pacifiers, or that I prefer to give her the bottle.

While I am at it, is it really necessary to ask me about Kiley's mother. Hello that is me!! OK so am I the only going through this?

Well I managed to make it. I have not written because B has been away on business. I must admit I was very nervous as it was just going to be me. Added to the stress was the fact that I had two trials this week. So needless to say nervous is an understatement. I am happy to report that Kiley and I made it. We are both just fine with no real wounds. It has been fun being with her by myself, but stressful at the same time. Does that make sense. I truly admire single mothers. I really don't know how you do it. I was exhausted every night. When Kiley went to sleep I felt like I could collapse right with you. So my hat goes out to you!!!

Not quiting

Ok as you all know, I am a nut. So it will not surprise you when I say I love the tour de france. I started cycling when I started doing triatholons and I fell in love with it. As I started cycling more I started following Lance Armstrong and his survivor story. As a result I started watching the tour. I was amazed at the strength of these riders. 2000 miles over a month, over 100 miles a day and at those amazing speed. I was hooked, So as Lance continued to beat all of the competitiors year after year I started watching Floyd Landis, a fellow member of Lance's team. He always amazed me because he continued to stick around and help Lance get through the toughest stages. Anyways, two years ago he left the U.S. Postal Team, which is now (team Discovey), for Team Phonak. I cheered him on. This year was Floyd's year. He won the tour with a 59 second lead.

The reason why I bring this up is on Wednesday Floyd was wearing the yellow jersey and had an awful run. I mean he lost the yellow jersey behind the new leader by something like eight minutes. That night at the post interview he admitted that he was defeated and said that he was out of the yellow jersey contention. But on Thursday he ran an amazing ran. He ended in leader contention by only being behind the current leader by 30 seconds. It was crazy...Anyways, after the race that day (Thursday) Floyd was asked what had happened. He said that the first hour of riding he was sulking about his bad luck. Then he decided to fight, to give it a shot. He started focusing on the positive.

I guess the point is I sometimes (alright most of the time) sulk and focus on the negative. Even with the negative thoughts I have managed to create for myself a great life. I have a wonderful daughter, an awesome husband, a sucessful law practice. So as my good friend Shelly asked me, given all that I have created to date focusing on the negative imagine what I could do if I focused on the positive. Wow!! I have a lot to think about. So will you all join me. It worked for Floyd!!

Priceless

SCENE: Hometown Pizza Joint-(Yummy pizza by the way)
B: This is great Pizza..
D: Sure is
CUT TO WOMAN COMING TO OUR TABLE
W: I don't mean to be noisy but I have seen three other Chinese Babies today at the restaurant, why do you guys adopt from China? Is it easier?
D: Um..Actually our daughter is not Chinese, she is Guatemalan.
W: Yeah I know it is another part of China..same thing.

Ok so I must come clean with you guys. I have not been posting much because I am so stressed. I am stressed beyond belief. When I get stressed, I shut down. Nothing new huh. I am stressed because we are having a lot of financial difficulties right now. It is a combination of me not working when Kiley came home and the purchase and running of the new firm. There is so much out going right now in the firm it is not even funny. I know I have only been in business two months next week. But geez..Needless to say it has made things a little hard on the homefront since we are putting everything and I mean everything into the business. It is paying off and will pay off more in the near future..but in the meantime these growing pains are killing me. To top all of this up, as every working mother, I am struggling with leaving my baby everyday. Bless his heart, Brad has been the most supportive person EVER..and I am so grateful for that. He encourages me and gives me everything that I would every need. His support makes me fight, but I am struggling with all the pressure and emotions. So there it is folks..I am fighting (anyone here the Rocky theme) but I am struggling.

Sorry it is a long post

I don't know what to write about. There is so much in my head going on that I want to write about, but I feel like I can't for I might make someone mad. The story of my life, making everyone happy. I will write about all of this later..no worries.
I will tell you guys that Kiley started to crawl as of Saturday. Yesterday she perfected the act. Crawl my Kiley, Crawl. LOL. Today she is nine months old. I think back at where we were a year ago and I just have to smile and laugh at my innocence, I figured I would be OK without a child. I knew that the good Lord knows what he is doing, so if you don't have a child he will provide in other ways. Hey I have three great nephews. Then I saw the picture of the boy we were first referred. My heart opened. I knew instantly that I was so wrong I was going and meant to be a mother. When that referral was taken from us I grieved. At that point I second guessed thought maybe God did not want me to be a mother. I was sure about that when the second and third referrals all feel through. I will admit I put up a wall before opening Kiley's pictures. I had already gone through so much. In fact that wall was there until we visited her. When I held her it was at this point that her little fists chipped at the wall. When we got into PGN and I called her foster mom after our visit and I heard her in the background the walls came. Don't ask me why..but they were down. So I began moving heaven and earth to bring her home. Now I know that she was meant to be in my life. I don't remember a time without her.

I just realized I never finished the story of our trip back home. so here it is lets just say we asked for our PINK appointment to be moved up as we were in Guatemala and it was granted. But they did not give us a time for the appointment. Our agency's representative said he would be there at 7:30 to pick us up. 8:15 still no representative. We keep calling his cell phone and finally he says he is on his way. We get down to the embassy with our agency's representative and try to explain that we were given another date to please let us. They ask for a print out of the email and of course we did not have it. I know what kind a lawyer am I. Anyways, the guard checks in with the higher ups and in the meantime we are awaiting outside infront of all these people waiting in line to be allowed a visa to enter our country. Anyways, they let us in and as we are walking into the waiting section another representative from our agency grabs me and Kiley and says they are already calling your name. I run up with Kiley to the window with Brad at my heels. I hand the lady at our window our paperwork and she says in Spanish to our agency rep...These pictures are all wrong and throws the paperwork back at me and shuts the window in our face. I look at Brad and he is frozen. Our first rep is frozen. He says I can't believe it. I look at him and go in lawyer mode and say Take to get new pictures and take me NOW....the other rep from the agency tells him the same thing and to HURRY...You think...Anyways he and Kiley and I go running out of the embassy onto the streets. (When I tell this story, Brad likes to point out that I am in heels through all of this with Kiley in the baby bojourn. Hey I can do anything in my heels.) I realize I have left my passport, ID, and money with Brad. I thought Oh my god here I am running in the streets, from the U.S. Embassy, with a Guatemalan baby..People are going to think the worst of me. Anyways, we get her pictures redone and come back. I must say they are better than the original one. As we are walking back into the embassy the second representative comes up to me and tells me that we are next at the window again. I look for Brad, but Kiley had already spotted him and was smiling at him. We go over to him and my mom and take a deep breath. Before I could straighten out my skirt our name is called and we go into a small room. We are asked whether we visited Kiley and when. I gladly show him pictures and ticket stubs from our visit. But he did not want to see them. Then we are told to wait in the lobby area with all the other adopting families. One by one the families are going then we hear over the intercom. and finally the last family to be help today the _family) ...US.. We go up and as we lift our hands to swear that everything in the application was correct Kiley put her hands to both our faces. I hear my mom crying in the background and we hear the sweetest words I am approving your application. You can come for your visa when it is ready. I kiss Kiley and Brad and we go over to my mom and hug her. We leave for the Hotel. I don't break down until I saw the visa stamped in her passport. At that point I call my sister and start to cry. It was at that point that I realize that God did want me to be a mom he wanted me to be a mom in his way and at his time. It was almost like he spoke to my heart that I was given this immense responsibility of protecting this child and watching her grow and to be a part of her journey of life. I owed it to her, to Mirina (FM) and to Kiley's BM.

I say all of this because I was watching Mad TV on Saturday night and there was a skit of this guy who adopted a child from China. Of course it was a doll, anyways the point is the guy stated he adopted the child as every other actor in Hollywood was adopting. Then in the "act" he states that he is going to return the "child " to the orphanage and adopt her sister as she was not behaving properly. This skit hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep or what. But I was like WTF...I felt like it was a mockery of everything that we all have and are going through this process. A mockery of the love I feel for this little one. To me it was implying that we could not possibly love a child and would give it back or send our daughter back if she was not perfect. Or worst yet that we are adopting because we want the perfect child. I am still reeling from it. Again, it was suppose to be funny, I know this. I just did not think it was. I know this is all because of lack of sleep, but please someone out there tell me I am not off my rocker for getting a little upset by the skit.