My knight in shining ...whatever.

**Long post dedicated to Brad*

OK my attempt to quote Grey's Anatomy probably went astray. I love that show by the way. But in reality I have alot of similarities with the character Meredith. I think most of do. Just like Meredith, I have issues of abandonment and issues of self esteem. I became a lawyer because it was what I was suppose to do. It was a way to impress my dad. What I really wanted to do was play the clarinet professionally. Not to toot my own horn (pardon the pun) but I am a good player. I had a music scholarship for the University of Florida. However, I believed my parents when they told me that I was not any good and that I would not amount to anything. Despite the evidence to the contrary. So you are probably wondering why I became a lawyer. Quite simply it was because I wanted to prove to them that I could. Now if you ask my parents/family they will deny all of the above. It would figure, as pointed out by my good friend Shelly, that given my baggage I would meet and marry the same type of individual. But I did not do that. I met and married my McDreamy. My knight in shinning ...whatever. Anyways, on this heart day I want to tell you about why he deserves this title. It is simple he is Brad. Brad has been with me through thick in thin. Even before we got married. I met Brad in October 1995. My dad left my mom in March at which point our family went a little on the crazy side. Any normal guy would run. Not Brad, he took on my family as his own. He says he did this because we were already family at this time and it is his belief that families don't leave one another. He believes we all have those crazy family members and times. So Brad embraced my crazy out of her mind mom. I truly believe he healed her by showing her compassion and love during that horrible time for her. He has done the same with my dad. He loves my dad when I can't. He even loved my dad at our wedding when he yelled at me and basically threw a tantrum (all while we are walking down the isle). Yes I am still bitter. He has been there at every one of my hospitalization at every one specialist appointment. He even watched my liver biopsy being performed. Despite the fact that he really cannot stand the site of blood. All because he knew I would be awake during the procedure and scared. Now I don't want you to think that he is a saint. He has his moments. He is also the biggest gossiper. It is the running joke in the family that we cannot tell Brad anything for surely everyone is going to know what was said.
But in the end he is Brad. He is the one we all turn to when we are sad, happy and in need. On this Valentines day I am proud and honored to be his wife. I will freely admit he is the better person in this relationship. I am selfish, he is selfless.

I hope everyone had a great day. Thank you putting up with this long post.

William Shakespeare

Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his heighth be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

The evaluation went well. The evaluator was a woman named Cassandra. She was fantastic. It was a lot of questions about what Kiley is doing and saying. There was some interaction with her but mostly it was a lot of questions directed to me. She did observe Kiley for some time. Kiley of course thought this was just great, I mean after all she was the center of the conversation. She kept walking back and forth with her Dora ball. In the end she did find that Kiley was delayed. She found that she is more than 25% delayed in her speech and fine motor skills. I did discuss with Cassandra the bi-lingual aspect, but she still felt that Kiley should be making more sounds and words. Cassandra did confirm that children that are raised bi-lingual do take more time to speak. In fact she said they can be delayed up until they reach the age of five. Wow! She said however that it was/is great for children to be raised bi-lingual as it develops so many more areas of their brain. Nevertheless we need to take Kiley to another evaluation where they will pinpoint exactly what areas to target and what therapy (if any) to do. I guess I should have mentioned this before, but the program which we were referred to is the federal program (Early Steps_, therefore the "delay" falls under the ADA and is paid for the by the federal government. Cassandra said depending on what treatment is needed that the speech and physical therapist will come to our home to work with Kiley. That makes me feel better that way Kiley is in her environment. So the next step is going to another evaluation downtown. I am still trying to process of all this. I don't know if I am more worried now than before.

Today is Kiley's evaluation. It is at 3:30pm. I did not think I would be so nervous but I am. I will let everyone know how it goes! It the meantime here are some pictures!

Look Mommy I am walking!!


Here she is with our Kitty named Tiger. He is so sweet to her!



Having fun with Daddy!

Working Mother

As I was sitting waiting for my fouth asylum trial (of the five I had scheduled this week) to begin. I began contemplating how motherhood has changed me in the work force and really in my work. It was interesting. First, I realized that my work comes second. Or should I say my family comes first. I guess I always belived that, in fact there were mnay times I would state that. But the reality was that I did not put my words into practice, until now. I don't start working until Kiley goes to bed, even if it is 11pm. Even if I have two trials back to back. It does not matter. I worry about her when I have to leave her earlier than normal. But really the difference that I have seen is in my compassion. I will say that I always considered myself compassionate. I specifically remember my criminal law professor telling me in front of the entire class that I had a bleeding heart. He told me that life and the law are not fair. (On side note, he was really not a bad guy he helped get me my internship at the public defender's office my second year.) Anyways, I have seen a changed in me. I feel for my clients. I see their struggle. I see how they have to leave their children in their home country so they can try to make a better life for them. I feel for them because they are separated and worried to death about them. All they want is to bring them here with them. I feel bad when their asylum case denied. I feel bad because I worry about their children and them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "I am doing this for my children", or "what can I do about my children". "what am I going to do". It seems that all of this has taken a different meaning for me now. So here is my story! I am a mommy and wife first, then a lawyer.

Thank you everyone for your nice comments for my last post. It is crazy the guilt we carry. I am so happy to report that Kiley is finally walking. It is the cutest thing. I will proudly admit that she walked to me first. HEE HEE!! I will post pictures!
On a different note, we are having her tested for speech development. Now Kiley is definitely not the most talkative girl. If I think about it her vocabulary at 15 months really only includes mama, dada, cat, go and back. Really that it is. Only mama and cat are said in context :0) My brother-in-law, who takes care of her expressed his concern with me. My nephews are autistic. I should also mention that the boys specialist recommended that we have her tested. On side note, we do not think Kiley is autistic, it is just that someone with that experience notices issues that sometimes parents overlook. Honestly, I think Kiley is a little delayed but I believe it has to do with the fact that I speak/teach Spanish to her. It is my understanding that children that live in a bilingual home are little delayed in speaking. But in the abundance of caution and more importantly to get my family off my back I called to have her tested. I will admit that I am a little worried. But I know after seeing what my sister and brother-in-law have gone through early intervention is the key. We will see!!

I have a secret. I have not been really good about keeping in touch with Kiley's Foster Mom. I feel really guilty about it. It is definitely has not been on purpose, it has been because I have been so busy. I will also admit it has been because of lack of funds. When I say we have no money I mean no money. No money to send pictures and definitely no money to develop pictures. Well today I changed that. I sent Mirina a bunch of pictures and a angle figure holding a baby. I feel much better but at the same time I still feel like such a loser. I have spoken to her since we returned but not as often as a I feel I should. I finally developed pictures from a disposable camera which we had sent in our first package. It was weird and yet surreal to see these earlier pictures. Not only did she look different but my baby had another life. She was accepted loved by this family as their very own. For example, there is a picture of her attending a birthday party. (My baby girl was a partier even there.) I don't know why this has hit me so much. Has anyone else felt this way?

Holidays

Let me recap the holidays for you guys. I know it is the middle of Jan. We had a wonderful holiday. Kiley was so wonderful on Christmas and Three Kings day. It was just great. Seeing and helping her open christmas gifts, not to sound cliche but "completed me". Here is a picture of her opening her gifts.

My grandmother was in town so Kiley got to meet her. Here is a picture of her with abuela.

I took some time off for the holidays. We went "indoor" rock climbing. Here is Kiley's attempt.

I refuse to incriminate myself by posting my pictures...Oh alright just to show I am a good sport. :0)


As to the sibling remarks. Brad and I have been seriously talking and praying about having another child. We would adopt again. I must admit it is really early in the talks for numerous reasons. I would love to go into them right now but I have bored you guys enough today. I promise to write about it tomorrow as I really want your input. Take Care!

De Lurking

Ok so I have a been a bad blogger this holiday. I promise to update first thing on Monday as I don't have a computer at home to use. I do have a lot to say about siblings possibilities. But before I go on to say more.. lurkers you know who you are..please come on out...Say hellooo I promise to visit..

Adventures

Adventures in motherhood that is. Lets see ...Kiley developed strep throat. Not a problem. She was acually handling it really well. No fussing. In fact I was very surprised when the doctor told me that the test was positive. Well that all changed when we gave her the antibotics. It seems my little one is allergic to pencillen. We found out the hard way. Before I go on let me say that she is fine. The first full day of antibotics she broke out in a rash. I called the doctor who told me that the rash was probably from the strep so to go ahead and continue with the antibotic and give bendadryl (not so sure about the spelling). So we do this. Next morning she woke up screaming and going into convulsions. The rash were now welts. Off to the ER we went. She is now totally better and on different antibotics for the strep. I have never felt so scared. Never felt more like a mother.

I am feeling better. I am sorry my last post was so negative. Geez!! Will write more tomorrow. I have an interesting post to write. I know, I am such a teaser!

*****Warning not to positive note and lots of whinning ******

Let me start out by saying that I am so thankful for everything I have this year. I have my daughter and husband who are both in the best health. I have my animals whom I adore. I have a roof over my head. Why should I be down and sad. Well as everyone knows I started my own firm in May. This has been a new adventure for me. No steady paycheck, overhead to be responsible for. You get the picture. The issue is that business is really really slow right now. Now mind you I have spoken to other lawyers in my same field all of which have told me that they are in the same boat. The difference is they have been in business for a while so they have had time to prepare for the slow time. Me ..not so much. So here it is Christmas time and I literally have no money. I mean I have no money to pay the bills for the business and therefore none to help at our home. The dilemma is it is Christmas and I want to buy (and in the past have had the discretionary income to buy) everyone great gifts. While I was in Guatemala last Christmas visiting Kiley I dreamt of her being home and I being able to give her the most wonderful Christmas. This included a stocking full of gifts, presents under the tree. I know she is only 13 months and won't remember Christmas, but I will. I have not been able financially to buy her one gift. Now I know I can get her little things trust me I will. But I am so angry that I just can't go and buy whatever I want for her and for Brad. I mean I know this whole post is sounding oh incredibly selfish but this is my outlet. I feel like I am letting her down. I feel like I am letting everyone down. The worst part of this is that I am selfish and I enjoy giving gifts and seeing everyone's faces. I also, dare I say, enjoy receiving gifts. Which I know I won't receive this year. I know..I know it is wrong...but lets be honest here! :0) So I am dealing with my issues of anger surrounding this Christmas. I really believe I was suppose to open this firm. I love my job and I am so much happier. I am also around Kiley all the time which my other job would not allow me. What could be better. (just a few more clients). I also am angry at myself. The long and short is I lent someone whom I trusted $1,000.00 of money which was already spent on bills for my firm supposedly for 24 hours. I only lent him the money because I really believed he was going to pay me back the money right away. I did not and do not have the money to lend him. He was to return the next morning with the money. I don't need to tell you but he did not come back in with the money. What is worst is that I am chicken to call him and ask for the money. AHHH I know it will be OK. I know it will have to be this way and things will get better but it sucks. It sucks hard. So now I am going to go sulk for a while. Thank you for reading.

Revelation

Ok so I am driving this morning following along my normal routine. Kiley is nicely tucked in the back seat eating her mini pancakes. I was singing along to Christmas music. When the music stopped my little girl continued singing. (Well AHHHH counts as singing). It was at this time it hit me. I am a mommy!! I am a frigging mommy!!! I am responsible for that little adorable girl. I can screw her up as my parents screwed me up. Oh my God I am Santa! Gulp Santa has not even started shopping. Santa has no money and no credit cards with room left. Yikes going to go throw up now.

Happy Turkey Day

Holidays, oh how I love thee!!! This Thanksgiving I have so many things to be thankful for. I just don't know how I got so blessed. This Thanksgiving is really special for me as we have Kiley with us. Last Thanksgiving Brad thanked God for the referral of our daughter and prayed for her safety and health at the dinner table. It certainly was a tear jerker. So I don't know how I won't cry at dinner this year when he gives the prayer.

Thanksgiving is a production for us. We are going to my mom's who always makes a yummy feast. We combine our Puerto Rican heritiage by having arroz con qandules, (rice with beans), lechon asado (BBQ pig) and of course the Turkey, stuffing, mash potatoes etc. Mind you there are only going to be six adults and four kids. You ask what am I bringing besides my beautiful daughter. (Which I am sure Abuela would say is all I need to bring). Anyways, this year I am bringing Salad, Corn, Desert and Lots of Wine (which I may or may not share. I mean really how else can I make it through dinner :0) LOL.

Although it is a food production it is also an emotional production. We have a typical family with typical issues. So the holidays are always fun. Nevertheless we remember and are thankful for our family (issues or none). This year we are especially thankful to those who helped us and allowed us to bring Kiley to our family. I will defintely be thinking of Kiley's BM and Mirina. My emotions are everywhere with regard to that. I pray that she is safe and has a place to share a meal. She defintely has one in our family at least in spirit. Happy Turkey Day everyone.

OK on a total waste of post I just want to say People magazine you are right!! What you ask brought this on. Well people magazine has placed George Clooney as the sexiest man alive. I don't know about you ladies out there but I love the man. Sorry Honey :0)

I was reading the article and I felt so old. Go look at the ages of these men. They are in there twenties. :0( Twenties for God's sake. It seems like it has been forever since I was in my twenties. OK I exaggerate I am 33, but still!!! I feel like a pervert reading and looking at them :0)

Date Night

Brad and I went out for a date night on Friday. It was weird not having Kiley with us. We have only gone out to eat without Kiley once since we came home. It was really weird. We were only gone for an hour but it felt like a long time and at the same time short. Does that make sense? At first Brad and I did not know what to talk about. I mean we do talk to each other. We especially try to talk and spend time with each other after Kiley has gone to bed. Lately we have not. I have been sick so I just collapse after she goes to bed. Furthermore, Kiley has a stomach virus so she is not her normal self. Needless to say we are just in Kiley mode.

I grew up with parents that did not talk to each other very much. It was very hard to grow up like that. It always felt cold between. As I got older I promised myself that I was not going to be one of those couples. It was no surprise when my parents told us that they were divorcing after 27 years. It was sad and at the same time a relief.

Needless to say, I was worried (and I guess a part of me still is) that we did not have anything to talk about. don't let me mislead you we shortly began talking about our days and tried not to talk about Kiley. However, I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to end up like my parent. I know they had a lot of other "issues" other than the lack of communication, but that fear still remains. I guess this part of parenting I find harder. In my head I know that Brad and I must take care of our relationship. What is failing is my body. Again how do we keep up with being a mommy and wife (lets not even talk about work). So any words of advice?

The New and Improved

Ok so as you can tell I went to the blogger beta..It is OK. We will see how it goes. I like the fact that I can add pictures on the side. So what is up everyone? Things are going well at the Casa of Grubers. Kiley is learning to throw temper tantrums and Mommy is learning patience. She had xrays done last week for her hips but thank god everything turned out fine. Funny enough I was not worried. We had our post adoption homestudy. Nothing but good things to report. Kiley was charming, funny and smart. Incredibly I was very nervous about this visit. I love our social worker. She adopted all of her children ( China and Guatemala). She tried to warn me not to go with our agency but at the time I didn't listen. She kindly reminded me off that fact as we were talking about the pickup. I just shrugged my shoulders and told her I was a buffon. But on to exciting news.. I am so happy for Angel..Zoe is finally home. Well actually they are right now in my neck of the woods Orlando. Isn't that cool! Go over to her blog and give her some love.

Well lets see...Work is going well. I have been very very busy with asylum case. My dad visited us last weekend which is always nice. Oh you won't believe what I did ...I went to a "passion party". It was the funniest thing I have ever done. I mean all these women there looking through catalogs and products. Totally fun and totally embarrassing. I am not one to go to these parties but my good friend threw it so what can I say. So that is the latest!

Happy Halloween

Happy First Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

You are one year old today and I must admit I can't believe. You have grown sooooo very much these past months it has been crazy. I ask myself all the time what I did so right to deserve to get the chance to be your mommy. Your birthday fell on a Tuesday so we are going to celebrate it on Saturday the 14th. I hope you have a wonderful time. We are going to see Mickey, Lilo and Stich. We are eating at a character breakfast at the Polyensian Hotel at Disney. So many people are going to be there it should be a lot of fun.

My little one you are the light of our lives. Right now you are all about standing and pushing the buttons on the DVD player. You still do not sleep through the night but that is OK. You love to crawl everywhere and my goodness you are fast. You are eating all kinds of food and loving it. You love to go to restaurants and stare at all the people. You are defintely a happy baby. You giggle so loud when I chase you. You love Daddy to throw you up in the air. You have just started giving high fives. It is so cute because after you give the high five you clap. You are not walking but you will get there soon. Honey, I love you more than words can say!!! Happy Birthday.

Ramblings

So it is Brad's Birthday on the 13th and I have no idea what to get him. I feel bad because I have been focusing on getting Kiley's birthday. I definitely don't want him to feel left out. I guess I am arriving once again to the balance issue. Trying to plan Kiley's party, parent, take time to get Brad's gift and oh yeah work. :0 So I have to do major shopping.

We decided to have Kiley's birthday party the Saturday after her birthday, the 14th. We are having her party at Disney Polynesian Resort. We are doing it at the character breakfast. http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/dining/diningDetail?id=OhanasDiningPage

It should be fun. The whole family is going to be there. My nephews are super excited. Don't worry I will post pictures. Especially because now I have control of the camera. I am trying to decide what to give as a goodies...I am thinking of having leis for everyone... I don't know what else to give....any ideas??

Where in the World is Kiley's Mom

In the Asylum land....that is where...It seems that every single asylum client of mine had their trials this past month. Literally I have had 3 to 4 trials a week. So I have been very busy. Not that I am complaining because goodness knows we need the money. However, I am exhausted. So other than working my ass off I am doing well. Kiley is growing like a weed. Thank you for your nice comments about her. We think she is gorgeous but we are pretty bias. Her one year birthday is coming up. Can you believe it?? We are thinking of taking everyone for a character breakfast at Disney. I think it would be a blast. I will let you know what we decide. For some reason Kiley's birthday is hitting me really hard. Not the fact that she is getting older, I mean I don't like it but I can't control it. What I am dealing with is the sense of grief for missing her first six months. What is weird about this is that I did not have any of these emotions when we brought her home. I thought about it when we were in the process but I did not really greive. But now as we are approaching her birthday I cannot help thinking (oh alright obsessing ;o) Has anyone else gone through this?