Helplessness

warning very negative and bitter post with very bad language!!!!

As you can tell from my earlier posts things were really and in all reality are going well. I just need to vent about how fucking shitty my agency is. So again BE FORWARNED BITTERNESS/NEGATIVITY, HELPLESSNESS AND BAD LANGUAGE FOLLOWS

As you know my case manager had her baby two weeks ago so we have been dealing with her sister-in-law and my case manager. This is until my case manager returns from maternity leave. Friday night at 5:30pm I get an email on my blackberry from our case manager. She states "Dennise today a three day year old baby boy became available attached is his medicals let me know what you guys think. I know you guys are really intersted in infants and this child seems perfect for you two". I start screaming and crying and I call Brad as he is on his way home. He, bless his heart, cannot make out what is going on. I finally get everything out and he says well lets rush home. I open the email and there is this beautiful boy, with a ton of dark hair. He is perfect. I immediately email back our case manager who I will call bitch from now on, and I write that we are interested and to pass along the name of the attorney and ask about the $$$ which would be due at acceptance of referral. We hear nothing. We fly to Charlotte to see my dad and I am checking my damn blackberry every five minutes for more information but we get nothing. Brad convinces me not to call or email anymore, He tells me that it is a holiday weekend that this is normal and for me to calm down and try to enjoy the time with my dad who I had not seen in 6 months. OK I agree...but we hear nothing all weekend. Agian, it is not like I am in butt fucking egypt...I am in Charlotte NC and I have a fucking blackberry. My boss emailed me plenty of times..Today, first thing in the AM, I email the bitch's sister in law and tell her what I told the bitch. The sister in law tells me that Bitch is back to work from maternity leave and she will get in touch with me and answer our questions. Great, no problem. Did Bitch get in touch with me..at 9:00pm tonight I get an email on my blackberry from her...This is what it says..."I am sorry to tell you that the baby has found a forever family"..."i will let you know when more infants become available" What the fuck??? How dare she fucking send us a referral, not get back in touch with us to let us know what was going on...Not even give us the fucking opportunity to accept the referral. I don't fucking get it and I am so fucking mad and upset...Is this how this thing is going to work because I can't deal with that..I can't....We tried domestic but after our failed match I could not continue so we decided after much prayer to go international and now it seems like the same fucking thing keeps happening...Am I going to be a mommy??? My heart is telling me no.. all I can say is that my heart is broken. I stare at Brad's face as he is sleeping realizing how close we were to being parents and the anger and sadness is overwhelming...I don't understand how they can send referrals to a bunch of people..I don't know how they can play with people that way...I am sorry this is so depressing and bitter and angry but that is what is in my heart right now...I no longer am going to be dealing with the agency, Brad will be the contact. I don't know if we are going to stay with this agency but right now they have our money....