Not quiting

Ok as you all know, I am a nut. So it will not surprise you when I say I love the tour de france. I started cycling when I started doing triatholons and I fell in love with it. As I started cycling more I started following Lance Armstrong and his survivor story. As a result I started watching the tour. I was amazed at the strength of these riders. 2000 miles over a month, over 100 miles a day and at those amazing speed. I was hooked, So as Lance continued to beat all of the competitiors year after year I started watching Floyd Landis, a fellow member of Lance's team. He always amazed me because he continued to stick around and help Lance get through the toughest stages. Anyways, two years ago he left the U.S. Postal Team, which is now (team Discovey), for Team Phonak. I cheered him on. This year was Floyd's year. He won the tour with a 59 second lead.

The reason why I bring this up is on Wednesday Floyd was wearing the yellow jersey and had an awful run. I mean he lost the yellow jersey behind the new leader by something like eight minutes. That night at the post interview he admitted that he was defeated and said that he was out of the yellow jersey contention. But on Thursday he ran an amazing ran. He ended in leader contention by only being behind the current leader by 30 seconds. It was crazy...Anyways, after the race that day (Thursday) Floyd was asked what had happened. He said that the first hour of riding he was sulking about his bad luck. Then he decided to fight, to give it a shot. He started focusing on the positive.

I guess the point is I sometimes (alright most of the time) sulk and focus on the negative. Even with the negative thoughts I have managed to create for myself a great life. I have a wonderful daughter, an awesome husband, a sucessful law practice. So as my good friend Shelly asked me, given all that I have created to date focusing on the negative imagine what I could do if I focused on the positive. Wow!! I have a lot to think about. So will you all join me. It worked for Floyd!!

Priceless

SCENE: Hometown Pizza Joint-(Yummy pizza by the way)
B: This is great Pizza..
D: Sure is
CUT TO WOMAN COMING TO OUR TABLE
W: I don't mean to be noisy but I have seen three other Chinese Babies today at the restaurant, why do you guys adopt from China? Is it easier?
D: Um..Actually our daughter is not Chinese, she is Guatemalan.
W: Yeah I know it is another part of China..same thing.

Ok so I must come clean with you guys. I have not been posting much because I am so stressed. I am stressed beyond belief. When I get stressed, I shut down. Nothing new huh. I am stressed because we are having a lot of financial difficulties right now. It is a combination of me not working when Kiley came home and the purchase and running of the new firm. There is so much out going right now in the firm it is not even funny. I know I have only been in business two months next week. But geez..Needless to say it has made things a little hard on the homefront since we are putting everything and I mean everything into the business. It is paying off and will pay off more in the near future..but in the meantime these growing pains are killing me. To top all of this up, as every working mother, I am struggling with leaving my baby everyday. Bless his heart, Brad has been the most supportive person EVER..and I am so grateful for that. He encourages me and gives me everything that I would every need. His support makes me fight, but I am struggling with all the pressure and emotions. So there it is folks..I am fighting (anyone here the Rocky theme) but I am struggling.

Sorry it is a long post

I don't know what to write about. There is so much in my head going on that I want to write about, but I feel like I can't for I might make someone mad. The story of my life, making everyone happy. I will write about all of this later..no worries.
I will tell you guys that Kiley started to crawl as of Saturday. Yesterday she perfected the act. Crawl my Kiley, Crawl. LOL. Today she is nine months old. I think back at where we were a year ago and I just have to smile and laugh at my innocence, I figured I would be OK without a child. I knew that the good Lord knows what he is doing, so if you don't have a child he will provide in other ways. Hey I have three great nephews. Then I saw the picture of the boy we were first referred. My heart opened. I knew instantly that I was so wrong I was going and meant to be a mother. When that referral was taken from us I grieved. At that point I second guessed thought maybe God did not want me to be a mother. I was sure about that when the second and third referrals all feel through. I will admit I put up a wall before opening Kiley's pictures. I had already gone through so much. In fact that wall was there until we visited her. When I held her it was at this point that her little fists chipped at the wall. When we got into PGN and I called her foster mom after our visit and I heard her in the background the walls came. Don't ask me why..but they were down. So I began moving heaven and earth to bring her home. Now I know that she was meant to be in my life. I don't remember a time without her.

I just realized I never finished the story of our trip back home. so here it is lets just say we asked for our PINK appointment to be moved up as we were in Guatemala and it was granted. But they did not give us a time for the appointment. Our agency's representative said he would be there at 7:30 to pick us up. 8:15 still no representative. We keep calling his cell phone and finally he says he is on his way. We get down to the embassy with our agency's representative and try to explain that we were given another date to please let us. They ask for a print out of the email and of course we did not have it. I know what kind a lawyer am I. Anyways, the guard checks in with the higher ups and in the meantime we are awaiting outside infront of all these people waiting in line to be allowed a visa to enter our country. Anyways, they let us in and as we are walking into the waiting section another representative from our agency grabs me and Kiley and says they are already calling your name. I run up with Kiley to the window with Brad at my heels. I hand the lady at our window our paperwork and she says in Spanish to our agency rep...These pictures are all wrong and throws the paperwork back at me and shuts the window in our face. I look at Brad and he is frozen. Our first rep is frozen. He says I can't believe it. I look at him and go in lawyer mode and say Take to get new pictures and take me NOW....the other rep from the agency tells him the same thing and to HURRY...You think...Anyways he and Kiley and I go running out of the embassy onto the streets. (When I tell this story, Brad likes to point out that I am in heels through all of this with Kiley in the baby bojourn. Hey I can do anything in my heels.) I realize I have left my passport, ID, and money with Brad. I thought Oh my god here I am running in the streets, from the U.S. Embassy, with a Guatemalan baby..People are going to think the worst of me. Anyways, we get her pictures redone and come back. I must say they are better than the original one. As we are walking back into the embassy the second representative comes up to me and tells me that we are next at the window again. I look for Brad, but Kiley had already spotted him and was smiling at him. We go over to him and my mom and take a deep breath. Before I could straighten out my skirt our name is called and we go into a small room. We are asked whether we visited Kiley and when. I gladly show him pictures and ticket stubs from our visit. But he did not want to see them. Then we are told to wait in the lobby area with all the other adopting families. One by one the families are going then we hear over the intercom. and finally the last family to be help today the _family) ...US.. We go up and as we lift our hands to swear that everything in the application was correct Kiley put her hands to both our faces. I hear my mom crying in the background and we hear the sweetest words I am approving your application. You can come for your visa when it is ready. I kiss Kiley and Brad and we go over to my mom and hug her. We leave for the Hotel. I don't break down until I saw the visa stamped in her passport. At that point I call my sister and start to cry. It was at that point that I realize that God did want me to be a mom he wanted me to be a mom in his way and at his time. It was almost like he spoke to my heart that I was given this immense responsibility of protecting this child and watching her grow and to be a part of her journey of life. I owed it to her, to Mirina (FM) and to Kiley's BM.

I say all of this because I was watching Mad TV on Saturday night and there was a skit of this guy who adopted a child from China. Of course it was a doll, anyways the point is the guy stated he adopted the child as every other actor in Hollywood was adopting. Then in the "act" he states that he is going to return the "child " to the orphanage and adopt her sister as she was not behaving properly. This skit hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep or what. But I was like WTF...I felt like it was a mockery of everything that we all have and are going through this process. A mockery of the love I feel for this little one. To me it was implying that we could not possibly love a child and would give it back or send our daughter back if she was not perfect. Or worst yet that we are adopting because we want the perfect child. I am still reeling from it. Again, it was suppose to be funny, I know this. I just did not think it was. I know this is all because of lack of sleep, but please someone out there tell me I am not off my rocker for getting a little upset by the skit.

I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted. First if you get a chance go over to Angel's blog and give her some support, blogger love if you will. Poor thing waiting to re-enter PGN to finally be able to bring Zoe home.

Fathers Day was a hit. I made brunch for Brad and Kiley's godfather John. Full spread, eggs, pancakes, sausages, plantain, fruit salad..You get the picture. I must admit that Brad did help me. Poor guy. I told him that I would do it all but he said he really liked to cook and wanted to help. God I love the man. All day was dedicated to Brad, so Kiley and I did whatever he wanted all of which consisted of watching the world cup games, and going for a long walk. Funny story...When Brad and I decided to change Kiley's birthname, it was very important for us to select a name which we felt she would not get teased. So for father's day I bought Brad a money clip and went to get it engraved with Kiley's initials and birthdate. So anyways...I go to the local Things Rember and start to give Kiley's initials. As I gave them I noticed the salesgirl give me a weird look. I look down to the paperwork she was filling out and there I see Kiley's initials..."KEG" So I ask you will my daughter be popular or what!!

Thank you for the advice on the teething..Kiley seems to have a mouth full of teeth coming in. My poor baby girl must be very uncomfortable. The peditrician, whom we saw this past Monday, noticed it right away. On a side note, in regards to the vaccinations, we are going to run a titer when she is 1 year old to see the levels thanks for that recommendation. The doctor also found her to be just perfect. YIPPIEE

Anyways..I have not resolved the issue of doing it all. The biggest issue that I continue to be dealing with is a fear that Kiley will not (or has not) bonded with me. Does this ever go away? I mean really I want to be able to relax about this and have faith but for some reason I just can't. Pathetic, Crazy..I think so.

Teething...Oh how we love thee...

As you can tell Kiley is teething which means mommy and daddy get no ( or very little sleep). So that leads me to ask..How does one function without sleep? I mean really, I was in court the other day and I swear I saw two judges. HEE HEE. Luckily the Judge did not see me yawning. Not good!!! Nevertheless what can we do. As Brad says, enjoy every stage.

While I am at it..Let me also ask "how do we balance and keep our identity . Let me preface this by saying I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. It is the best thing in the world. God certainly gave me a great gift by allowing me to raise Kiley. Being a mom is part of my identity just as is Wife, and daughter. But what makes me is also a lot of other things. I am an attorney, I am a reader at our church, I am a ministry leader at my church, a triathelete and marathoner. I considered all those part of my identity. As you can imagine I want to do all of these things but I am a realist and know that something has to give. So how do we decide what has to be cut? How do we become OK with that decision. Part of me misses being in a swimming pool training for a triatholon. Another part of me would feel guilty not being involved any longer with my church, especially given the gift of Kiley. So how do we do this. How do we do it all?

Routine

Thank you guys for the wonderful encouragement on my firm. I think I am finally getting into a routine of sorts. It is a drastic change to be a working mother and then to top it all to be working for yourself. I am not sure I would recommend adopting and staring your own business at the same. But what is done is done. Clients are comings in which is good. I have an ad going out on June 8. Scary to see a cheesy lawyer ad. I feel really scummy about it but I need to get my name out there. Right now the clients have been referrals from the gentlemen I bought the firm from. But that can only last so long.

Lets see..Kiley is doing wonderful. Growing as a weed. Question for fellow readers...The pediatrician recommended/wants to redo all of her vaccinations?? Does this seem right? Anyways we had a great memorial weekend. We went over to our friends house where we BBQ and swam in the pool. The amazing part is that Kiley got into the pool and loved it. The amazing part of this is that Kiley did not enjoyed taking bath when we got her in Guatemala. I immediately starting co-bathing with her and she was fine. She began to actually enjoy taking baths. I really believe it helped our attachment. Anyways, since we went into the pool she has been a big girl and taking her bath without me.

I still have a lot of guilt leaving her. Its funny we get home and I am afraid I smother her. I am always laying on the ground with her, grabbing her, kissing her. I don't know if that is normal. I know that B has to pay some attention to her as well but I hog her. I realize or feel like I hog her because I am so insecure. Now don't get me wrong B, pays a lot of attention to her. He also holds her kisses her, changes diapers. In fact it is really cute for she follows him with her eyes and lifts her arms to him. But I still feel like I have to make her love me. Does any of this make sense. Am I so off my rocker??

MIA

Oh guys I am so sorry that I have been MIA. Let me give you a quick update. On Monday I opened my law office. My practice centers in Immigration. Ironic huh!! I actually purchased an existing firm. Needless to say I am excited but overwhelmed and suffering from mix emotions. I am on one hand trying to open and keep business coming in and on the otherhand I dealing with "bad mommy emotions" for having to go back to work. Please no flaming. I wish I could stay at home but I can't. I do know that once the firm gets up and running I will have more flexibility with Kiley. I am leaving Kiley with my brother-in-law (who is a stay at home dad) during the day. I don't drop her off until 10:00am and pick her up at a little after 5:00. My office is only 8 miles from my home and only 4 miles from my brother-in-laws. Also, since I am my own boss I can leave at any time if an emergency presents itself (or if I darn well feel like it). I guess these emotions are growing as I also believe I am suffering from some post partum depression. All I can say is UGH!!!

Do you see why we are in love!! Presenting Kiley Eileen Dafne Gruber!

Changes

How do I express or describe the changes that have occurred with Kiley coming home? I don't think there are words that describe it. I will say that I first expierenced the issue of not feeling entitled to being a mother. I felt (and to be honest sometimes still do) that I don't deserve this wonderful girl. I noticed in those times that I felt more like a babysitter. I have been working through these feelings and am fully embracing being this little girl's mom. Quite honestly, I am just so honored. Anyways, I have read and been told that it is pretty normal.

Kiley took to Brad right away. In fact when we first came down stairs and saw her when she first heard his voice she immediately turned to her head to him and gave him a beautiful smile. I swear she remembered him. It seems that our little girl remember her daddy telling her that she could not forget us. She and I have been working very hard to attach, I carry/wear her a lot on, co bathe, and do the feeding. I really believe it not only helps Kiley attach but it actually helped/s me.

So let me tell you part one of our coming home story. We arrive Wed the 4th. This time we stayed in the Marriott. Brad was cool and surprised me and got us into the two story suite. The space was well worth it. As I stated in my eariler email, the Guatemala coordinator for our agency called us and told us that Kiley would be brought the next day at 11:00a.m. as she had the embassy doctor's appointment. This was great for us it gave us an opportunity to get settled in. We had dinner at the bar/restaurant at the Marriot. That place was really good. I actually had a beer. We went to bed early as we had been traveling all day. We get the call and my poor mom. I thought she was going to faint. I was really calm surprisingly. We get to the lobby and I immediately go over and give hugs to everyone. Kiley was in deep sleep and totally covered by a blanket so I could not see her. Now Kiley's foster mom, Mirina, did not look happy at all. I figured this was pretty normal. So I go and take care of all the paperwork with our facilitator. In the meantime, my mom and Brad talk to Mirina and Kiley wakes up. My mom and Brad get to hold and basically love on her. After all the paperwork is done, Mirina then hands me Kiley and says "here is your daughter and please take care of her with tears running down her face. I assure her that we will and start to cry. We leave and get back to the room and my mom tells me that Mirina did not know that we were coming to pick Kiley up. Hence the really unhappy face. In fact she did not learn about us coming until after the doctor's appointment. So Mirina did not have time to say goodbye or get any of Kiley's things together. I was furious.. I had brought Mirina's phone number and I planned to call her that evening and invite her to spend time with us. Kiley was wonderful throughout the day. She smiled, played overall seemed to be adjusting. Mirina called us right after dinner very worried. She told me that Kiley was still on antibotics for a urinary tract infection. Mirina had not brought them with her as she had planned to go home right after the doctors appointment. I told her to come right away and we would pay for the cab. Mirina was so embarrassed that she could not afford a cab. I told her it was no problem. So we waited for her outside of the hotel. That is where I will leave you guys as I have already written and probably bored you to tears...Hugs...

Oh yeah can some one tell me how I can post pictures. I am trying to post a picture of Kiley for you guys...

Many apologizes

I am so sorry that I have been MIA but as you can imagine it has been crazy. Thank you for thinking of us. So here is the update. WE ARE HOME WITH OUR MAYAN PRINCESS!!! My life now feels complete I feel at whole. Does that make any sense. It was definitely a crazy trip down there but in the end it all worked out. Ok so here is the story in short...On Wed we flew out to beautiful Guatemala. We stayed at the Marriott this time as the Westin was closed for remodeling. (On a side note I really prefer the Westin.) We went down as we were told we had Pink but no one knew the date of our appointment. Our case manager told us that the appointment could be as early as Friday or after Easter. I know confusing???? Well this did not surprise me given our agency's stellar record of communication. The head Guatemala Coordinator for our Agency was in Guatemala visiting babies at the same time so low and behold as soon as we checked in to the hotel she called us and told us she personally would find out the date of our appointment. In the end we got an appointment for that Friday and came home Monday. I will write more this weekend because as you can imagine it did not go this smooth. I tell you I really believe that we would not be home yet with Kiley if we did not go down there. Nevertheless, Kiley is adjusting and is the light of our lives. God does give you angels.

We are here

We made it in this afternoon. Kiley will be brought to us tomorrow after her embassy doctor visit. Although I would love to see her it is ok. We do have PINK but no one here seems to know when our appointment is.. I know.. what can I say...I am glad we came so we can get this whole situation straighten out. The Guatmala Coordinator for our Agency is here and is going to meet us tomorrow at 11:00am. Hopefully we can find out when our appointment date is and we can come home. Our flight back is on Wednesday. We will see. I will try to update later.

Don't get excited

For we do not have Pink yet.. We were submitted on last Thursday so we should here today or tomorrow. I am so excited. We tentaively reserved airline tickets leaving Wed. I know, premature. But whatever. I feel really bad for Lisa (Domonic's Homecoming). Domonic is still in the hospital with the Rotoavirius so please go over and give her some love. BTW what is this Rotavirus and should I be worry?? It seems like I am hearing a lot of people suffering from this. Yikes freaking out now.. Will keep you guys updated.

PGN

Oh Happy Day!!
Wait for it......

Yup!! We are O...U....T. OUT OUT OUT!!!!

Can you tell I am excited. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me. It has been rough. Especially, because I left my old firm to start my own practice. It has been crazy. I will defintely blog about that later. ;-) You don't know how much your words have ment to me . We don't have a GC BC so hopefully we can leave soon.

How Much ???

Ok after that sorta uplifting somewhat positive post, I write to say I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think I can do it. What is the breaking point you ask. My darling husband pratically in tears at dinner last night. He told me that he is having a hard time waiting and just wants her home and pratically broke down. My husband is the most patient and wonderful man ever. He is my rock and to see him so upset..well...I can't do it. I don't think it is fair that we got kicked out and are still waiting. It is not fair that our case manager is away so I can't bug her to death. It is not fair that others who entered PGN way way after me are bringing their babies home. (please don't flame me, I am really happy for those families..really I am) So there it is folks. Please pray, send positive engery ...whatever so we get out of PGN. Kiley is 5 months for goodness sake.!!!

PGN Day 41, approaching the end of 5 weeks
Manatra: We will be out of PGN anytime now!!

Lightbulb

Lets get the adoption status out of the way shall we....It has been 14 days since we re entered and as of Sunday we are still waiting. ( Case Manager has a family emergency and will be out till next week so I have no news) We have been in PGN for a total of 39 days, five weeks. (But who is counting!!)

Ok with that out of the way I want to tell you about a wonderful lightbulb expierence I had yesterday. Sorry it is going to be long. As background I need for my sanity to work out. Trust me when I say need, I mean NEED to workout. I am so fortunate to have a wonderful husband who understands and accepts that part of me. So I go to Pilates twice a week, after which I do cardio for another hour and another day of Personal Training (the gym calls it Body Shock) and you guessed it Cardio. I like to torture myself so I do Triatholons and use to do Marathons before my knees said enough. Anyways, I am not trying to boast here. Really... I do this stuff as it helps my mind. I have struggled with an eating disorder for many many years along with having a bum liver so I need to work out.

Long story short, prior to joining my current gym I use to go to this little (now big) yoga studio called College Park Yoga. Here is the website http://collegeparkyoga.com/

The instructors Theresa and Calvin are amazing. They are the most spiritual and well rounded people I have met. I absoutlely love them. The type of yoga at the studio is "hot yoga". In other words you sweat your ass off. More importantly you sweat all the impurties, all the tension all the bad energy and you defintely clear your chakras. ( I know I am sounding hippie just go with it) Well last night I decided I needed to go to Yoga. I have been working like crazy and with the adoption I figured I needed to center. I needed to sweat. Plus my second chakra needed some TLC. So I went last night. I will freely admit I have not been in a good space about the adoption. I have been angry and sad. I have not wanted to write about it as not to be a bore and be a downer. Plus, I really want to remain positive. So for all those reasons I went to class. During the class Theresa and Calvin talk. They give their two cents about life if you will. Theresa was talking about the need to stay in the present and to let everything go. We cannot change what happened in the past and we certaintly can not help what is in the future. We only can deal with the present.

While she said this I was thinking "helloooooo that is easier said then done." Theresa continued and said essentially "each moment is important...each second is important..no moment is more important than the other.. we must honor each moment and give thanks for each moment...even if it is bad.... for we learn and grown in both.....Click...lighbulb went off...How arrogant have I been..She is right... each moment is important and by me worring (ok obsessing) I have missed a lot. I have given/missed those special moments with Kiley, with Brad, with my friends and family by this worrying. UGH..does this make sense.... In the end Theresa and everyone else has been right. For the current adoption status (which I will classify as bad) has taught me the value and importance of each moment. Damn it to hell we really do learn from each moment.... So there it is my friends ...Thanks for sticking to my long story..Namaste!

Mantra: we will be out of PGN any day now

PGN: Day 39, week five.

Glimpse

Glimpse of my day!

Wake up and roll over and check to see if cell phone and phone rang..(always on )
Check to see if email came in on blackberry(which is also always on)
Shower
Think today is the day
Hope today is the day
Say a prayer of forgiveness for wanting today to be the day
Drive to work with cell phone on lap (you know, just in case ;-)
Get to office
Ask all of the secretaries if anyone has called
Get an email from CM sending information and pictures of wrong baby- yup still don't nderstand how someone can do that...anyways,
Check email and voice mail continously.
Read all of your blogs
Oh yeah, and try to do some work ;0 )

Mantra: We will be out of PGN anyday now!!

Back In the saddle again

We are back in PGN Yippie!!!! Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. I feel very relieved. I am hopeful that our wait will not be long now. I don't know if we have to wait another 20 days till we hear something else. Gosh I hope not. Anyways, I must admit I was sweating it for a while there. My good friend told me, correctly I must admit, that I was trying to control the whole situation and by doing that I would in the end push everything farther away. I looked at her like she had just fallen out of the sky. But then I thought about what she said and I realized she was right. I had to remind myself that I have to trust. I have to trust that there is a higher being that is in control and that I am not the only person involved in this. Kiley I guess needs to be at her foster moms for a reason. What that reason is I don't know but I have to trust that there is a reason. I know that I have a lot of growing up to do before she comes home. Maybe that is why she is still at her foster mom. Do you see what I am getting at. It may sound really crazy but you know it just makes sense. So along with continual positive thinking I am going to learn to trust. Trust that everything will and is working out according to plan.

In other good news Lisa and Frank are out of PGN after 67 days...I am so happy for them. It would have been nice to meet you guys but I rather you get Dominic home quickly. Also, D and her dh A, have been matched and it is looking good so far !!!!!

Mantra: We will be out of PGN anyday now!!!

This much I know is true... God blessed the broken road and led me straight to you!! Yes God blessed the broken road and led me straight to you!

-AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Kick out total days so far: 5
Mood: You don't want to know!

Bad News

KICKED OUT!!!
Yup for an error on the Guatemala side. It appears that our lovely social worker did not put a clause in her report which specifies that Kiley's birthmother could read, write and sign. No one can tell us how long this is going to be. I hope our social worker is kind to us. Please remember it took her 3 weeks to write the report. God knows how long it will take her to fix this. Please pray I make it through the baby shower tomorrow.