DNA test

We got a call on Saturday that our DNA test was done on Friday. Isn't that great. I am excited and yet cautious. I hope the results are good. I guess part of me says they are lying to me. Our case manager said we should be able to get the results in two weeks. I hope that is right? I would love to go and see our little Kiley at Christmas.

Our thanksgiving was wonderful. My mom out did herself. Everything was yummy. Of course, now I will be visiting the gym everyday until Christmas at which point I will eat all over again. Oh yeah we also went and saw Harry Potter. I loved it. Highly recommended.

If you guys get a chance Deanna is having a hard time as of late go over and give her some love.

Thanksgiving

I am actually excited for our thanksgiving dinner this year. I hope that it turns out well. We are going to my mom's for thanksgiving which usually turns out to be bad. Maybe bad is a harsh word but not what I would like it to be. Well this year our friends John and Robin are coming over to my moms as well as their son John. Don't judge me but I hope it gives me a buffer. Besides the alcohol. (grin) Don't get me wrong I love my mom. She is a dear. I really do love her and think she is awesome, but she can be a little controlling Right now she has this extreme interest in Kiley's birthmother. Which under normal circumstances does not bother me. Yes it is important for Kiley to know about her birthmother. I am a supporter of that. What I don't support is my mom's obession with it. She has gone to the extent of telling me that she is going to do her own research on Kiley's birthmother? You heard right, she said that when she goes down to Guatemala with us she is going to find out from our foster mother, M, our attorney everything and anything about Kiley's birthmother. Yes my jaw fell to the floor as well. I was speechless and I unfortunately did not respond in time so I think she believes her actions are acceptable. I know that in reality she will not receive any information and will in all likelihood not even dare to ask about it. The problem is setting boundaries with my mom. I am so lucky that she and my entire family has been so supportive of the adoption. They love Kiley so much and she honestly believes she is doing right by Kiley. Part of me does not want to upset that, however, she cannot honestly think she can go around making statements like this. Am I overreacting? Am I afraid that she will actually go through with this yes. Am I afraid to confront her HELL YES! Any words of wisdom?

Back to Thanksgiving, this year is so special. I am so thankful for my husband and my daughter (hopefully), my life, my family, my blog friends, and yes even my new car ( I went with the Infinity). I don't know how I got so lucky and blessed. That's what I love about thanksgiving it is a reminder that there is good in our lives. Happy Turkey Day everyone.

BTW Caroline welcome to my blog..comment away and I hope you get out of PGN quickly!!!

Family Court

B called our case manager and asked what the deal was. She told him that we should be getting two updates a month. Brad very nicely told her that we have not received anything at all. To which she replied that she would check on our status. Lo and behold she called a little while later and said that we were in Family Court and our facilitator expects for us to get authorization for DNA sometime next week. I am excited but kind of upset at the same time. It is good news that we are already in Family Court and they I guess are waiting for authorization for DNA testing. Kiley's birth mother will meet with the social worker on the same day as the DNA test. I just can not help feeling like we are behind the eight ball. Kiley is already a month old and probably will be two months before the DNA test is done especially with the holidays coming up. I just have to belive it is all in God's timing. Oh well, I am so glad at least there is some movement on our case.

Gotha Mama

You're a witchy woman! Chances are that you see
Morticia Addams as a role model, and your
wardrobe sports a fair amount of black. The
other mothers at school pick up may look
askance, but your kids already know that the
judgement of others isn't what counts.

Decisions

I am usually able to make decisions relatively quickly. I get paid to think on my feet. However, when it comes to my personal stuff I have not and seem not to be able to make a decision. Now don't get me wrong. I can make a decision for Brad or if it involves Brad, the cats, dog, you get what I mean. But if it is about me and what I want I just can't do it. Does anywone deal with this.

I am trying to decide what to do about this car. This weekend we went looking at cars as my lease is up on my car. I have four months on my lease and I have reached my mileage. OK so I narrowed it down to the Lexus, BMW. B asks me to look at the Infinity specifially the M model. No problem. I read how great consumer reports, edmunds have rated the car. To be honest I have never even consider Infinity. So we go. The car sales guy is an ass, but that is a different story. I like the car. I like the way it drives all the bells and whistles. It is really pretty. Importantly, B really likes the car. We take it to the next step and talk numbers. B gets us a good price. Before I knew it I was signing away. We ask for the windows to be tinted so I do not get to take the car home. I am suppose to pick it up tonight. The problems is I am having serious buyers remourse. I am so fucked up in my mind that I have to question everything. I am driving myself crazy. I am asking myself thousands and thousands of times is this the right car, is this the right decision. Maybe it is because I don't have the car. Maybe it is because I am so uppidy and want impress everyone with my vehicle. Don' t flame for that. I have this complex that I identify myself by what other see or others proceed me as. I can't get a grip. I have been in therapy for this. Ok anyways so tonight is the night I am suppose to leave in 15 minutes and I don't know what I am going to do. I hate being indecisive . I just don't understand. UGH...well I will let you all know how it goes.

package

Package for Kiley sent today!
(I managed to fit the following in a one gallon zip lock bag. I even impressed myself)

1) sleeper
2) outfit with hat
3) two onesizies (of course one said I love my mommy and my mommy loves me) the other were sent by Brad's dad and stepmom).
4) socks
5) small blanket (hand stiched by grandma. I tell you my mom is awesome with stictching)
6) disposal camera
7) letter for foster mom M
8) our picture

Do you guys think I missed anything?

It was hard and wonderful at the the same time to send a package. It is hard to know that she is getting older and others are seeing her first. What does comfort me is that I will experience a lot more first than these. I guess part of me kinda feels cheated. I did not think I would feel this way. But then again, I also said I can handle this whole waiting game. (ha) I guess this has taught me how I don't handle the unknown or lack of control very well. I think it is awesome that my little daugher of a little over a month is teaching me that I am a control freak and I have to work on that. It is hard because I so badly want her home and I don't have a clue when she is coming home. I do not even know if I am in family court or when the DNA testing is going to be or whether it even has been requested. Well I don't know what I can do other than try to take care of her from here and learn to give up control. (yikes! ) We talked about sending a package once a month and treat it like she is in summer camp. I like that thought. So Kiley enjoy camp. We love you and we will come get you soon.

What element are you

Thanks Deanna..
Mine is really on point

Your Element is Water

Your power colors: blue and aqua Your energy: deep Your season: winter Like the ocean, you evoke deep feelings and passion. You have an emotional, sensitive, and spiritual soul. A bit mysterious, you tend to be quiet when you are working out a problem. You need your alone time, so that you can think and dream.

What Element Are You?

FEAR

As we all now, I am neurotic. Really, I am woman enough to admit it. I am neurotic, overcompulsive, a worry wart. In sum, I am high maintenance. So I woke up today with this fear that something is going to go wrong with our adoption. I mean like I feel like our little girl is going to be taken away. I don't want to put out that energy. There is nothing going on that should give me that idea. I just have this feeling. I usually trust my feelings. But in this case I don't want to. I refuse to. Again, I will not put that energy out there. Anyone else experience this???

I did email our CM and asked her whether we had a DNA test date, whether it would be held up because of the holidays. Whether we would be able to see our little girl before or at Christmas. Guess what!! No reply yet. I know... you are really surprised I can tell. The lack of response fuels my fear today.

Good news. we decided on a name it is Kiley Eileen.

Men

Ok let me preface this ...I love my husband but sometimes he just does not get it..

He is in meetings today...No biggie...He sends me this email telling me we are going to dinner with and he leaves it blank...I reply with who are we going to dinner with?? He replies and says with B and btw be careful my laptop is attached to the projector so everyone is going to see what you write..Umm then why did you email me...better yet...why did you open my email..(in his defense he knows my pet peeve about not answering emails, but I knew he was in a meeting and was not going to be able to reply...back to the point.... he started the email chain..Am I missing something here??? Men!!!! Wouldn't it be funny, and I am so tempted, if I wrote him back saying something like.."Did Jane really say that Bob can't do his job..etc...it would be great and evil at the same time...As tempted as I am I will refrain..

Today

Things to Do Today
1) Go to Pilates
2) Do Cardio afterwords
3) Drool over gorgeous Brazlian trainer
3) Email Case Manager as to DNA test
4) Work
5) Buy more baby girl clothes and socks (they are so damn cute)
6) Work
7)Draft Email to case Manager again as to DNA test and when to send package to our little lady bug..but do not send ...afraid to be overcompulsive
8) Work
9) Draft other Email to case manager explaining that my pet peeve is having no response to emails..do not send...admit to myself that I am overcompulsive
10) Call my best friend who reminds me the more I obsess the farther away it becomes. She sucks!!!!

It is sad when you resort to lists to keep sanity in your life..but hey whatever helps you get through the day!!!

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!

Thank you everybody for you kind words. I have printed them out and placed them in the baby book. I have not updated in a little bit because I have gone crazy trying to get our power of attorney signed, notoarized, certifited and authenticated. As well as other documents I had to redo for our dossier. It is so much easier to get the paperwork done when you have a sweet little face to look at. Brad and I ended up taking the day off on Friday and driving down to Miami (four hour drive) to get the POA done. This was not a small feet given the hurricane. It is so sad to see people without power or gas. They did not expect to get power for another two maybe three weeks. I know I was going crazy after we lost power for ony 3 days last year. I don't know how they do it.

The trip down...well Brad and I can not make anything easy. I feel like we are the Griswalds..This really an easy trip. Drive down go to the Sec. of State office, then Consulate of Guatemala. Wham Bam thank you mam..Wrong...We get down there taking our own gas..15 galllons worth. Good thing we did! So we had to drive down with the windowns down so we would not die smelling the gas fumes. The rest stops were only open for those wanting gas. We did manage to get into one stop but it was running on a generator. Anyways, we see the lines of people waiting for gas. We saw people pushing their cars because they ran out of gas while in line. It was really sad please pray for them.

So we get to the secretary of state they certify the POA and direct us to the Consulate of Guatemala. No problem we get to the Consulate I get to the door and it is....LOCKED...yup...Locked. I start to cry. I feel so bad that I made Brad take the day off drive with a headache from the fumes of gas. Well Brad starts knocking on the door..Let me rephrase that banging on the door. he turned to me and says I am not giving up on our daughter. I could have sex with him right there and there...anyways...this guy comes from the back office tells us that they are closed. Brad begs the man to authenticate the POA, tells him we drove four hours and even offers our gas to the guy. Lo and behold they let us in and we get it authenticated..our paperwork is officially complete. Everybody dance with me...

I must admit I am going a little crazy buying stuff for my/our little girl. It seems that Ralph Lauren makes the cutest baby clothes. I indulged on Friday on a Juicy Colture velor jogging suit for myself. Low and behold there was a similar one for my little one. Of course I just could not help myself. I squealed when I saw it. Brad just laughed and said she must own this. Do you see how lucky I am. A man who understands the need for overpriced clothes..

Lastly, we took my newphews to chucky cheese this weekend, That was fun. It was so good to see them so happy. Of course I got up in the slide and played a little. Everybody have a great Halloween.

ITS A GIRL!!!

Yup you read it right. On Friday we accepted a refferal of a beautiful baby girl. She was born on the tenth of October. I still can not believe it. I look at her picture and I just want to cry. I did not think that this longing or love for someone could be this intense. We did not expect a girl as we had no prefance and have been told that boys are more readily available than girls. We do not have a name for our little one. But we are getting close. We partially want to wait and officially deicde when we meet her. I know, I know pretty dumb. It is so awesome and amazing at the same time how already our little one is loved by my family. My older sister already bought her clothes. She also took her picture to church where my little one was blessed and prayed for by our wonderful priests. My father has already bought her her first baby doll. My younger sister took her picture to a kids' birthday party, where apparently my little girl was the hit of the party. Thinking of all this just makes me so grateful for my family and starts me to cry all over again.

Now I must add that the entire week Brad and I went back and forth with the agency regarding the other issues which I wrote about last. It was crazy and very emotional. I have never seen Brad so beat up and angry. It was funny how our roles were reversed. I normally can't cope and Brad has to step in to calm everyone down and bring things to perspective. It was the total opposite in this case. We stayed with our agency due to money, more specifically they have our money and we can't replace it. I have faith that it will work out. I have faith that there is a reason for everything and I must admit that when I look at our little girl none of the troubles seems to matter. All that matters is bringing that little one home. I know I can handle anything for her. I know that she has a life journey that I am so grateful to be a part of.

Agency Woes

So its official our agency sucks...i know that someone from the agency might be reading this as they search the net for comments. If you are GOOD...and don't you flipping think of calling me out on my post. Threats will get not get you far. Trust Me I am an attorney. First, it is MY BLOG and I can say whatever I want and if you don't like it don't read. Here is a thought maybe you would not have to have people searching the net for families writing about their stories if you were actually a good and reputable agency. I know, a novel concept huh!

Ok so here is the deal...I woke up in a wonderful, good mood...Which has not been happening lately due to my own expectations. (see my last post) Anyways, as I am walking out the door, my dh calls me. He says, don't flip out when you read your email. (on a side note, I don' t turn my blackberry on till I am on the way to work). I of course, say OK what happened? Brad tells me just to read my email and call him. So the email says.. basically, that they have had an inflex of adoptive families and we are now down on the waiting list. Excuse me, there was never a waiting list for a boy. There was a two month waiting list for a girl. When we selected the agency and when our dossier was completed we were never told there was a waiting list and I ASKED. I ASKED CONSTANTLY . I did not want to go with an agency who had a long waiting list. We decided we wanted an agency that had a middle of the road wait, with a good reputation. Brad's requirement was that the agency had to be local. At the time I thought it was reasonable. Anyways...it is not the fact that there is a list...no it is the lies...first lets take the referral incident of labor day weekend..then we meet with our case manager and she says you should get a referral anytime ...since all of our paperwork was done...then weeeks later when we hear nothing she says oh we changed our requirement you can't get a referral until your docs are translated...again this was out of the blue...and I did not confront her on this..I just took a deep breath.....so I asked whether our paperwork is being translated...I have not heard a response yet. rather I get this email on this "list" business. To top it off they want more money...this shit may sound silly to everyone but you know what it is not silly to me...I can handle things that are out of the agency's control..i.e., the Guatemala law proposal. ..I can handle that changing. What I can't handle is their own rules changing...that is not acceptable...especially for those of us trying so hard to comply with everything they need from us...and they know we/I will jump through hoops to bring a child home. I know I probably brought all of this upon myself by being so negative last week...negative brings negativty.. The good news is I am no longer negtaive,..I am fucking pisst off.....Brad is calling our case manager and is going to try and figure out what the hell is going on with the agency... I told him to get our docs back . In the meantime, the clock is ticketing for our experiation of our docs...oh yeah and we will be out of all this money. Oh life keeps getting better....how do people stay positive..? It probably would help if my job did not suck...It really does folks...so here I am trying to stay positive and keep things in perspective ...Again, someone tell me how is that done??

don't mind me

ok...so I have gone ahead and done it...I got my hopes up that today, Brad's birthday, we would get a referral. I know..I know..how dumb can I be. What was I thinking. I was thinking that maybe his mom, who is in heavean, would have some pity on me and try to talk to God. Now, I know, who am I to say that she has not tried. I figure the conversation went something like this...um God, I know you are terribly busy, but you know the weirdo that my boy is married to...well she has now resorted to asking me to talk to you to give her and me the grand/child that I always wanted and which she wants. God in his infinite wisdom replied..I know my precious child I have heard her prayers...which are frequent, and you also know that I have plans for her...Damn Damn Damn...I was so counting on it. Brad figured I would do this. He told me not to be sad, but that I had essentially caused my own heart break by putting so much into this day. Oh well.. I guess what put me over the edge was the fact that I looked at the available children list and the other agency in town which we went back and forth in deciding to use has FIVE count them FIVE children available..2 girls 3 boys..infants, like less than a week old. oh for goodness sake.... someone slap me because I am now gone over the deep end...

Brad's Birthday

Tommorrow is Brad's birthday. I am having a very hard time finding what to get him. I feel extreme pressure to get him something good as he always rocks the house with my birthday. More importantly, I want to let him know how important and awesome he is. Brad is very difficult to buy for. He does not read, does not really watch movies...do you see my problem here folks... Brad is my rock. My support when everything seems to be wrong. He makes everything fun. He brings laughter, warmth and security to my family. For goodness sakes he even buys me cute, great shoes when he goes to Brazil...As you can tell I am one lucky girl. Most improtantly he loves me with all my faults, and insecurities. Brad did not flinch when we found out it would be devasting to my health to have children. I thought for sure he would leave me, especially after everything I have put him through. ( Ahh the stories I could tell lets just say I can be high maintenance!) But he did not and tells me all the time that he is not going anywhere. I guess what I am trying to say is that he is great and I am lucky and I want and will show him all of this tomorrow. The question and what makes sad is I realize all the times that I have not told him. And really it does not stop at Brad but with my family, friends you get the picture. I believe we all have a life plan and maybe my life plan is to enjoy what I have and express thanks for those things and people. Much love!

fall and great weekend

Brad and I had a great weekend. We went to the Tampa Bay Buc v. Detriot Lions game. We are big Detriot Lions fans. I can't believe I just admitted that. Anyways, we had a great time even though Detriot lost. It was a good game I think Detriot played better than Tampa but maybe I am biased.

My sister who teaches high school asked me to speak at her classes at career day. I of course agreed (she is my big sister and can still whoop my butt). Ok..now what on earth am I going to talk about. Where would you start? At the education requirements, etc. I don't know. Suggestions would be great. I defintely do not want to be a bore and I don't want to embarass my sister. Again, suggestions would be great.

Since Brad left for Brazil and I realized that fall is here I have done a lot of thinking on our adoption. I must admit I thought I would be in a different place when we started. I really believed that we would be referred and almost done with the process. I know, I know, I can really hear you all laughing. Seriously, I did not realize that it would be this hard. I did not believe the wait would be this hard. I did not realize the lesson of letting go and let be that I was going to learn would be this strong. I really do tell myself stop worrying. The baby God wants and has for you will be there just wait. Just wait is now officially my mantra. Now don't get me wrong I am not down, or depressed etc. Admittedly, I don't know how I will be in December if we are still in this stage. But we are not there yet!!!!

craziness

Sorry that it has been a while since I posted. I have been really crazy at work. These late hours are killing me.. Lets see..we met with our case manager last Friday night. She was optomistic that this law was not going to be passed on the third reading. The third reading is where all of the major debates are held. She said that the third reading was suspended. As I am quickly and unfortunately learning my case manager and agency does not seem to be upto date. Today, I learned that the reading was not suspended just postponed and quess what...it is scheduled to be read next week. So please pray, send good energy towards this whole situation.

We decided against me traveling to Brazil. But that is OK, I have movie dates with my best friend scheduled and I really need to train for my next triatholon. It will be great. The only problem will be that Brad will be gone when the law stuff is decided or if we get a referral. It is really difficult to get a hold of him while he is in Brazil so it should be interesting if anything happens. Thank God for the Internet. Hee Hee.

Oh our good friend Brian is comming again at the end of October, I am so excited. We are planning to head to Universal Halloween Horror Nights while he is hear it should be great...

On a different note My good blogger friend Deanna is having a rough time right now so please head over to her blog and show her some love.

Brazil and other stuff

The law was scheduled to be read yesterday did not get heard due to some other issues that needed to be heard first by the government. I am guessing that it will be read when the third reading was suppose to take place which is next Tuesday.

Still no referral..Going on week two since the first issue, but who is counting...

On a differnt note,Brad might be going to Brazil for a business trip. I am hoping that I can tag along. I went to Brazil a couple of years ago and fell in love with the country and the people. It is so beautiful..and the food...oh my God I swear I gained like 10lbs...It would be cool to take a vacation and get away from the whole adoption issue. It seems that I have been consumed by it lately. But really, how do we stop thinking/obessing about it?? Anyways, I need to go because I really do need to work on my tan. Priorties!!! The summer time is just about to begin in Brazil so the timing is perfect.

As you guys know I am still new at this blogg thing so I have not figured out how to add pictures to the main page, but I added a picture of Brad and I to this post. I hope to add it to the main page. If anyone knows how to do it please let me know..

law update

...so the law was passed the first time on September 13. It is scheduled to be heard again tomorrow the 20th. I am praying that it does not pass the second time. We will see...I did send a mass email out to our family and friends to help support Focus on Adoption and to write to our senator to prevent this from happening. I know that the good Lord is in control and whatever is going to be will be...but you know it is not as easy as it sounds. Overall though, I feel like I am doing well with it... We don't have a referral yet which is OK too...Of course it would ease my mind a lot, but hey what ya going to do...This weekend was very busy...we had church events, Brad had to work and it was my baby sister's 28th birthday. Now, I am really tramautized that she turned 28. I just can't fathom that. I remember the day she was born. My older sister and I sat on the bed in the room she and I shared and listened to my grandmother on the phone with my dad as he told her that it was another girl....it was crazy...now she is this beautiful women, wonderful mother...(and I know that I am getting old...remember folks it is always about me...HEE HEE) No really, it just makes me so proud to be her sister...

Taking a step back

Ok,..so now that I have calmed down I can actual focus on staying positive. Yesterday we get an email from our case manager attempting to mend the fences. To her credit she immediately answered Brad's email in which he told her how upset I was. She apologized and stated that the Guatamalen attorney was dealing with many agencies and he presented the baby to many agencies and that is how the problem arose. HUH??? Ok, so that was not really positive. . Anyways, so she wants to meet with us this weekend to go over our paperwork, make sure it is all there and correct. Wish me luck...She also, told me that I really should be concerned with the Ortega Law which is going to be up for vote before the Congress of Guatemala which is to occur on September 13, 2005. The law would essentially curtail or stop international Guatemala Adoption. Ok so I am not being positive, I am totally freaking out. In order for this not to affect us we have to have a referral and have a power of attorney signed. I don't know where to turn right now. I am trying so hard to let go and let the universe work this whole situation out. But to be honest it is really hard. I really did not mean for this to be negative. I am really sure that everything is going to work out. I am holding on to that faith.