De Lurking

Ok so I have a been a bad blogger this holiday. I promise to update first thing on Monday as I don't have a computer at home to use. I do have a lot to say about siblings possibilities. But before I go on to say more.. lurkers you know who you are..please come on out...Say hellooo I promise to visit..

Adventures

Adventures in motherhood that is. Lets see ...Kiley developed strep throat. Not a problem. She was acually handling it really well. No fussing. In fact I was very surprised when the doctor told me that the test was positive. Well that all changed when we gave her the antibotics. It seems my little one is allergic to pencillen. We found out the hard way. Before I go on let me say that she is fine. The first full day of antibotics she broke out in a rash. I called the doctor who told me that the rash was probably from the strep so to go ahead and continue with the antibotic and give bendadryl (not so sure about the spelling). So we do this. Next morning she woke up screaming and going into convulsions. The rash were now welts. Off to the ER we went. She is now totally better and on different antibotics for the strep. I have never felt so scared. Never felt more like a mother.

I am feeling better. I am sorry my last post was so negative. Geez!! Will write more tomorrow. I have an interesting post to write. I know, I am such a teaser!

*****Warning not to positive note and lots of whinning ******

Let me start out by saying that I am so thankful for everything I have this year. I have my daughter and husband who are both in the best health. I have my animals whom I adore. I have a roof over my head. Why should I be down and sad. Well as everyone knows I started my own firm in May. This has been a new adventure for me. No steady paycheck, overhead to be responsible for. You get the picture. The issue is that business is really really slow right now. Now mind you I have spoken to other lawyers in my same field all of which have told me that they are in the same boat. The difference is they have been in business for a while so they have had time to prepare for the slow time. Me ..not so much. So here it is Christmas time and I literally have no money. I mean I have no money to pay the bills for the business and therefore none to help at our home. The dilemma is it is Christmas and I want to buy (and in the past have had the discretionary income to buy) everyone great gifts. While I was in Guatemala last Christmas visiting Kiley I dreamt of her being home and I being able to give her the most wonderful Christmas. This included a stocking full of gifts, presents under the tree. I know she is only 13 months and won't remember Christmas, but I will. I have not been able financially to buy her one gift. Now I know I can get her little things trust me I will. But I am so angry that I just can't go and buy whatever I want for her and for Brad. I mean I know this whole post is sounding oh incredibly selfish but this is my outlet. I feel like I am letting her down. I feel like I am letting everyone down. The worst part of this is that I am selfish and I enjoy giving gifts and seeing everyone's faces. I also, dare I say, enjoy receiving gifts. Which I know I won't receive this year. I know..I know it is wrong...but lets be honest here! :0) So I am dealing with my issues of anger surrounding this Christmas. I really believe I was suppose to open this firm. I love my job and I am so much happier. I am also around Kiley all the time which my other job would not allow me. What could be better. (just a few more clients). I also am angry at myself. The long and short is I lent someone whom I trusted $1,000.00 of money which was already spent on bills for my firm supposedly for 24 hours. I only lent him the money because I really believed he was going to pay me back the money right away. I did not and do not have the money to lend him. He was to return the next morning with the money. I don't need to tell you but he did not come back in with the money. What is worst is that I am chicken to call him and ask for the money. AHHH I know it will be OK. I know it will have to be this way and things will get better but it sucks. It sucks hard. So now I am going to go sulk for a while. Thank you for reading.

Revelation

Ok so I am driving this morning following along my normal routine. Kiley is nicely tucked in the back seat eating her mini pancakes. I was singing along to Christmas music. When the music stopped my little girl continued singing. (Well AHHHH counts as singing). It was at this time it hit me. I am a mommy!! I am a frigging mommy!!! I am responsible for that little adorable girl. I can screw her up as my parents screwed me up. Oh my God I am Santa! Gulp Santa has not even started shopping. Santa has no money and no credit cards with room left. Yikes going to go throw up now.

Happy Turkey Day

Holidays, oh how I love thee!!! This Thanksgiving I have so many things to be thankful for. I just don't know how I got so blessed. This Thanksgiving is really special for me as we have Kiley with us. Last Thanksgiving Brad thanked God for the referral of our daughter and prayed for her safety and health at the dinner table. It certainly was a tear jerker. So I don't know how I won't cry at dinner this year when he gives the prayer.

Thanksgiving is a production for us. We are going to my mom's who always makes a yummy feast. We combine our Puerto Rican heritiage by having arroz con qandules, (rice with beans), lechon asado (BBQ pig) and of course the Turkey, stuffing, mash potatoes etc. Mind you there are only going to be six adults and four kids. You ask what am I bringing besides my beautiful daughter. (Which I am sure Abuela would say is all I need to bring). Anyways, this year I am bringing Salad, Corn, Desert and Lots of Wine (which I may or may not share. I mean really how else can I make it through dinner :0) LOL.

Although it is a food production it is also an emotional production. We have a typical family with typical issues. So the holidays are always fun. Nevertheless we remember and are thankful for our family (issues or none). This year we are especially thankful to those who helped us and allowed us to bring Kiley to our family. I will defintely be thinking of Kiley's BM and Mirina. My emotions are everywhere with regard to that. I pray that she is safe and has a place to share a meal. She defintely has one in our family at least in spirit. Happy Turkey Day everyone.

OK on a total waste of post I just want to say People magazine you are right!! What you ask brought this on. Well people magazine has placed George Clooney as the sexiest man alive. I don't know about you ladies out there but I love the man. Sorry Honey :0)

I was reading the article and I felt so old. Go look at the ages of these men. They are in there twenties. :0( Twenties for God's sake. It seems like it has been forever since I was in my twenties. OK I exaggerate I am 33, but still!!! I feel like a pervert reading and looking at them :0)

Date Night

Brad and I went out for a date night on Friday. It was weird not having Kiley with us. We have only gone out to eat without Kiley once since we came home. It was really weird. We were only gone for an hour but it felt like a long time and at the same time short. Does that make sense? At first Brad and I did not know what to talk about. I mean we do talk to each other. We especially try to talk and spend time with each other after Kiley has gone to bed. Lately we have not. I have been sick so I just collapse after she goes to bed. Furthermore, Kiley has a stomach virus so she is not her normal self. Needless to say we are just in Kiley mode.

I grew up with parents that did not talk to each other very much. It was very hard to grow up like that. It always felt cold between. As I got older I promised myself that I was not going to be one of those couples. It was no surprise when my parents told us that they were divorcing after 27 years. It was sad and at the same time a relief.

Needless to say, I was worried (and I guess a part of me still is) that we did not have anything to talk about. don't let me mislead you we shortly began talking about our days and tried not to talk about Kiley. However, I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to end up like my parent. I know they had a lot of other "issues" other than the lack of communication, but that fear still remains. I guess this part of parenting I find harder. In my head I know that Brad and I must take care of our relationship. What is failing is my body. Again how do we keep up with being a mommy and wife (lets not even talk about work). So any words of advice?

The New and Improved

Ok so as you can tell I went to the blogger beta..It is OK. We will see how it goes. I like the fact that I can add pictures on the side. So what is up everyone? Things are going well at the Casa of Grubers. Kiley is learning to throw temper tantrums and Mommy is learning patience. She had xrays done last week for her hips but thank god everything turned out fine. Funny enough I was not worried. We had our post adoption homestudy. Nothing but good things to report. Kiley was charming, funny and smart. Incredibly I was very nervous about this visit. I love our social worker. She adopted all of her children ( China and Guatemala). She tried to warn me not to go with our agency but at the time I didn't listen. She kindly reminded me off that fact as we were talking about the pickup. I just shrugged my shoulders and told her I was a buffon. But on to exciting news.. I am so happy for Angel..Zoe is finally home. Well actually they are right now in my neck of the woods Orlando. Isn't that cool! Go over to her blog and give her some love.

Well lets see...Work is going well. I have been very very busy with asylum case. My dad visited us last weekend which is always nice. Oh you won't believe what I did ...I went to a "passion party". It was the funniest thing I have ever done. I mean all these women there looking through catalogs and products. Totally fun and totally embarrassing. I am not one to go to these parties but my good friend threw it so what can I say. So that is the latest!

Happy Halloween

Happy First Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

You are one year old today and I must admit I can't believe. You have grown sooooo very much these past months it has been crazy. I ask myself all the time what I did so right to deserve to get the chance to be your mommy. Your birthday fell on a Tuesday so we are going to celebrate it on Saturday the 14th. I hope you have a wonderful time. We are going to see Mickey, Lilo and Stich. We are eating at a character breakfast at the Polyensian Hotel at Disney. So many people are going to be there it should be a lot of fun.

My little one you are the light of our lives. Right now you are all about standing and pushing the buttons on the DVD player. You still do not sleep through the night but that is OK. You love to crawl everywhere and my goodness you are fast. You are eating all kinds of food and loving it. You love to go to restaurants and stare at all the people. You are defintely a happy baby. You giggle so loud when I chase you. You love Daddy to throw you up in the air. You have just started giving high fives. It is so cute because after you give the high five you clap. You are not walking but you will get there soon. Honey, I love you more than words can say!!! Happy Birthday.

Ramblings

So it is Brad's Birthday on the 13th and I have no idea what to get him. I feel bad because I have been focusing on getting Kiley's birthday. I definitely don't want him to feel left out. I guess I am arriving once again to the balance issue. Trying to plan Kiley's party, parent, take time to get Brad's gift and oh yeah work. :0 So I have to do major shopping.

We decided to have Kiley's birthday party the Saturday after her birthday, the 14th. We are having her party at Disney Polynesian Resort. We are doing it at the character breakfast. http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/dining/diningDetail?id=OhanasDiningPage

It should be fun. The whole family is going to be there. My nephews are super excited. Don't worry I will post pictures. Especially because now I have control of the camera. I am trying to decide what to give as a goodies...I am thinking of having leis for everyone... I don't know what else to give....any ideas??

Where in the World is Kiley's Mom

In the Asylum land....that is where...It seems that every single asylum client of mine had their trials this past month. Literally I have had 3 to 4 trials a week. So I have been very busy. Not that I am complaining because goodness knows we need the money. However, I am exhausted. So other than working my ass off I am doing well. Kiley is growing like a weed. Thank you for your nice comments about her. We think she is gorgeous but we are pretty bias. Her one year birthday is coming up. Can you believe it?? We are thinking of taking everyone for a character breakfast at Disney. I think it would be a blast. I will let you know what we decide. For some reason Kiley's birthday is hitting me really hard. Not the fact that she is getting older, I mean I don't like it but I can't control it. What I am dealing with is the sense of grief for missing her first six months. What is weird about this is that I did not have any of these emotions when we brought her home. I thought about it when we were in the process but I did not really greive. But now as we are approaching her birthday I cannot help thinking (oh alright obsessing ;o) Has anyone else gone through this?

Here is Ms. K. I don't know why blogger did not load these pictures before. The top picture is in my office today!! She was crawling around greeting clients..

My good cyber friend D, made an excellent point in her last post. I think my last post was a catalyst for it.. Sorry D... By the way her blog is AWESOME so go over to it. http://www.away2me.typepad.com/ I don't want Kiley's life to center on the fact that she is adopted. In fact Brad and his brother, Jeff, were adopted. He tells me that was how he and Jeff were raised. He states that he always knew that he was adopted. He says there was never a big sit down and explaination he just always knew. However, the fact that he was adopted was not the focus growing up and to this day. He was and is his parents son. Now Brad, I do not believe is the norm, has no desire to meet or find out about his natural family. He has simple information on his natural family which he is tells me is enough for him. Now Jeff was different, and as far as I understand attempted to contact his natural family and putting it simply he was not received.

My point is that I like all of us want to be the best mom for Kiley possible. Not the best adoptive mom, for Kiley but the best mom. I don't want her to be singled out because she does not have a baby book. I also don't want her, if she is like Jeff to not have information or explaination about adoption. So I quess my question regarding the lifebooks center on what I know about Jeff. I will also admit a portion also comes from all that I have read. So there is a little part of me that feels like I should do this. Is that right, of course not...but I must admit I felt that way. Does any of this make sense. Ok so in the grand scheme of things this is what I decided. I will update Kiley's babybook, take out the portions that aren't applicable. I have a photo album of Guatemala and all of the trips, her foster mom and the one picture of her natural mother. When and if Kiley wants to see it it will be at her disposal. We will go back to Guatemala, personally, I love the country and want to go back to see more of it. I do bring the Guatemala heritage first it is beautiful second it is really close to my Mexican and Puerto Rican heritage. Ok so I done now. I hope I did not offend anyone by this or my earlier post. I am sorry if I did and it was not my intention. Here is a couple pictures of Ms. K..isn't she getting big!!!

Lifebooks

Ok so I have been debating whether to start a life book for K. I mean she has a baby book which I have (and I say this very sheepishly )have not been really good about keeping up to date. I am hanging my head really low now. So it will not surprise you guys when I question whether I will be really able to keep up (or start for that matter) a lifebook. However, I want K to have an understanding about Guatemala and her heritage. I also want her never to be ashamed that she is adopted. It has always been our plan to tell her she is adopted. We speak about it to her already. So I have heard and read that a lifebook helps in this avenue. So I come to you guys and ask:
1) Have you done/start a lifebook
2) Should I do a lifebook
2) If so, where have you gone to look for it. (preferably something I can do as I am not handy, or creative)

Am I right

Ok now I know that I am adoption sensitive. I admit it.. I am overprotective over anyone who is and has been in the adoption triage. So when I read that a wax figure of only baby Shiloh ( for those who don't read all the trash mags like me, that is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby) was placed in the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in New York City and not her other two children irked me. I guess I was also irked because the museum is going to donate part of the entry for UNICEF... I know I am pathetic...
http://people.aol.com/people/article/0,26334,1219205,00.html

10months old

My sweet angel,

You are ten months old today, I cannot believe it. Where has the time gone? The love I and your daddy have for you words cannot express. You are the light of our lives. You melt my heart when you say Mama, (although you say indiscriminately, I tell myself you are saying it to me:0). Daddy wants me to point out that you also say dada ;0) You always wake up with a smile although you have a hard time sleeping through the night. You wake up every night at 2:30am at which time we lay on the couch where you quickly go to sleep in my arms. You refuse to be put back into your crib until you are really in a deep sleep. You think it is funny when you get to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed when mommy or daddy are to tired to stay up with you. Your Uncle Paul takes care of you during the day and you love him and your cousins. You try to imitate your older cousins, so much so, that your Uncle Paul says you follow them into the bathroom. ( I wish I had a picture of that) You also absolutely love your Godfather Uncle John. You think it is funny that he has no hair. Everyone who meets you tells us how and what a special baby you are and I must admit they are right. You have been "adopted" by everyone at church infact you have been nicknamed "Holy Cross Catholic Church's baby. Your daddy and I think it is just fine. We are beginning to see you try for your independence by clearly letting me know you do not want to come out of the bathtub by pushing my hands away or pushing the bottle away when you are done. It looks like you might have a little temper as you make a fist and get red when you don't get to crawl to Sammy's water or food bowl. Our favorite game is "its bitsy spider and peek-a-boo. Sweetie, I wish I could express to you how you have changed our life for the good. I am so excited to share in your journey and I am honored that God has allowed me to take care of you. Remember I love you (no matter what). xoxo

Advice

I am not one to be critical of people. Really I am not. However, ever since I became a mommy people have found it necessary to give their parental advice. Now don't get me wrong I love to hear people. I love to hear their experiences but unwarranted advice is really not necessary. I find it interesting how it has become almost like a phenomenon. Really I feel like everywhere I go. I get unsolicited advice. Mind you I am glad to be accepted as a mother but at the same time it feels like I am always being judged. Now of course I am always going to be judged as Kiley's mother. I am going to be judged by her actions just like she is going to be judged by me. However, please don't tell me that it is not right that my little girl uses pacifiers, or that I prefer to give her the bottle.

While I am at it, is it really necessary to ask me about Kiley's mother. Hello that is me!! OK so am I the only going through this?

Well I managed to make it. I have not written because B has been away on business. I must admit I was very nervous as it was just going to be me. Added to the stress was the fact that I had two trials this week. So needless to say nervous is an understatement. I am happy to report that Kiley and I made it. We are both just fine with no real wounds. It has been fun being with her by myself, but stressful at the same time. Does that make sense. I truly admire single mothers. I really don't know how you do it. I was exhausted every night. When Kiley went to sleep I felt like I could collapse right with you. So my hat goes out to you!!!