Happy First Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

You are one year old today and I must admit I can't believe. You have grown sooooo very much these past months it has been crazy. I ask myself all the time what I did so right to deserve to get the chance to be your mommy. Your birthday fell on a Tuesday so we are going to celebrate it on Saturday the 14th. I hope you have a wonderful time. We are going to see Mickey, Lilo and Stich. We are eating at a character breakfast at the Polyensian Hotel at Disney. So many people are going to be there it should be a lot of fun.

My little one you are the light of our lives. Right now you are all about standing and pushing the buttons on the DVD player. You still do not sleep through the night but that is OK. You love to crawl everywhere and my goodness you are fast. You are eating all kinds of food and loving it. You love to go to restaurants and stare at all the people. You are defintely a happy baby. You giggle so loud when I chase you. You love Daddy to throw you up in the air. You have just started giving high fives. It is so cute because after you give the high five you clap. You are not walking but you will get there soon. Honey, I love you more than words can say!!! Happy Birthday.

Ramblings

So it is Brad's Birthday on the 13th and I have no idea what to get him. I feel bad because I have been focusing on getting Kiley's birthday. I definitely don't want him to feel left out. I guess I am arriving once again to the balance issue. Trying to plan Kiley's party, parent, take time to get Brad's gift and oh yeah work. :0 So I have to do major shopping.

We decided to have Kiley's birthday party the Saturday after her birthday, the 14th. We are having her party at Disney Polynesian Resort. We are doing it at the character breakfast. http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/dining/diningDetail?id=OhanasDiningPage

It should be fun. The whole family is going to be there. My nephews are super excited. Don't worry I will post pictures. Especially because now I have control of the camera. I am trying to decide what to give as a goodies...I am thinking of having leis for everyone... I don't know what else to give....any ideas??

Where in the World is Kiley's Mom

In the Asylum land....that is where...It seems that every single asylum client of mine had their trials this past month. Literally I have had 3 to 4 trials a week. So I have been very busy. Not that I am complaining because goodness knows we need the money. However, I am exhausted. So other than working my ass off I am doing well. Kiley is growing like a weed. Thank you for your nice comments about her. We think she is gorgeous but we are pretty bias. Her one year birthday is coming up. Can you believe it?? We are thinking of taking everyone for a character breakfast at Disney. I think it would be a blast. I will let you know what we decide. For some reason Kiley's birthday is hitting me really hard. Not the fact that she is getting older, I mean I don't like it but I can't control it. What I am dealing with is the sense of grief for missing her first six months. What is weird about this is that I did not have any of these emotions when we brought her home. I thought about it when we were in the process but I did not really greive. But now as we are approaching her birthday I cannot help thinking (oh alright obsessing ;o) Has anyone else gone through this?

Here is Ms. K. I don't know why blogger did not load these pictures before. The top picture is in my office today!! She was crawling around greeting clients..

My good cyber friend D, made an excellent point in her last post. I think my last post was a catalyst for it.. Sorry D... By the way her blog is AWESOME so go over to it. http://www.away2me.typepad.com/ I don't want Kiley's life to center on the fact that she is adopted. In fact Brad and his brother, Jeff, were adopted. He tells me that was how he and Jeff were raised. He states that he always knew that he was adopted. He says there was never a big sit down and explaination he just always knew. However, the fact that he was adopted was not the focus growing up and to this day. He was and is his parents son. Now Brad, I do not believe is the norm, has no desire to meet or find out about his natural family. He has simple information on his natural family which he is tells me is enough for him. Now Jeff was different, and as far as I understand attempted to contact his natural family and putting it simply he was not received.

My point is that I like all of us want to be the best mom for Kiley possible. Not the best adoptive mom, for Kiley but the best mom. I don't want her to be singled out because she does not have a baby book. I also don't want her, if she is like Jeff to not have information or explaination about adoption. So I quess my question regarding the lifebooks center on what I know about Jeff. I will also admit a portion also comes from all that I have read. So there is a little part of me that feels like I should do this. Is that right, of course not...but I must admit I felt that way. Does any of this make sense. Ok so in the grand scheme of things this is what I decided. I will update Kiley's babybook, take out the portions that aren't applicable. I have a photo album of Guatemala and all of the trips, her foster mom and the one picture of her natural mother. When and if Kiley wants to see it it will be at her disposal. We will go back to Guatemala, personally, I love the country and want to go back to see more of it. I do bring the Guatemala heritage first it is beautiful second it is really close to my Mexican and Puerto Rican heritage. Ok so I done now. I hope I did not offend anyone by this or my earlier post. I am sorry if I did and it was not my intention. Here is a couple pictures of Ms. K..isn't she getting big!!!

Lifebooks

Ok so I have been debating whether to start a life book for K. I mean she has a baby book which I have (and I say this very sheepishly )have not been really good about keeping up to date. I am hanging my head really low now. So it will not surprise you guys when I question whether I will be really able to keep up (or start for that matter) a lifebook. However, I want K to have an understanding about Guatemala and her heritage. I also want her never to be ashamed that she is adopted. It has always been our plan to tell her she is adopted. We speak about it to her already. So I have heard and read that a lifebook helps in this avenue. So I come to you guys and ask:
1) Have you done/start a lifebook
2) Should I do a lifebook
2) If so, where have you gone to look for it. (preferably something I can do as I am not handy, or creative)

Am I right

Ok now I know that I am adoption sensitive. I admit it.. I am overprotective over anyone who is and has been in the adoption triage. So when I read that a wax figure of only baby Shiloh ( for those who don't read all the trash mags like me, that is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby) was placed in the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in New York City and not her other two children irked me. I guess I was also irked because the museum is going to donate part of the entry for UNICEF... I know I am pathetic...
http://people.aol.com/people/article/0,26334,1219205,00.html

10months old

My sweet angel,

You are ten months old today, I cannot believe it. Where has the time gone? The love I and your daddy have for you words cannot express. You are the light of our lives. You melt my heart when you say Mama, (although you say indiscriminately, I tell myself you are saying it to me:0). Daddy wants me to point out that you also say dada ;0) You always wake up with a smile although you have a hard time sleeping through the night. You wake up every night at 2:30am at which time we lay on the couch where you quickly go to sleep in my arms. You refuse to be put back into your crib until you are really in a deep sleep. You think it is funny when you get to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed when mommy or daddy are to tired to stay up with you. Your Uncle Paul takes care of you during the day and you love him and your cousins. You try to imitate your older cousins, so much so, that your Uncle Paul says you follow them into the bathroom. ( I wish I had a picture of that) You also absolutely love your Godfather Uncle John. You think it is funny that he has no hair. Everyone who meets you tells us how and what a special baby you are and I must admit they are right. You have been "adopted" by everyone at church infact you have been nicknamed "Holy Cross Catholic Church's baby. Your daddy and I think it is just fine. We are beginning to see you try for your independence by clearly letting me know you do not want to come out of the bathtub by pushing my hands away or pushing the bottle away when you are done. It looks like you might have a little temper as you make a fist and get red when you don't get to crawl to Sammy's water or food bowl. Our favorite game is "its bitsy spider and peek-a-boo. Sweetie, I wish I could express to you how you have changed our life for the good. I am so excited to share in your journey and I am honored that God has allowed me to take care of you. Remember I love you (no matter what). xoxo

Advice

I am not one to be critical of people. Really I am not. However, ever since I became a mommy people have found it necessary to give their parental advice. Now don't get me wrong I love to hear people. I love to hear their experiences but unwarranted advice is really not necessary. I find it interesting how it has become almost like a phenomenon. Really I feel like everywhere I go. I get unsolicited advice. Mind you I am glad to be accepted as a mother but at the same time it feels like I am always being judged. Now of course I am always going to be judged as Kiley's mother. I am going to be judged by her actions just like she is going to be judged by me. However, please don't tell me that it is not right that my little girl uses pacifiers, or that I prefer to give her the bottle.

While I am at it, is it really necessary to ask me about Kiley's mother. Hello that is me!! OK so am I the only going through this?

Well I managed to make it. I have not written because B has been away on business. I must admit I was very nervous as it was just going to be me. Added to the stress was the fact that I had two trials this week. So needless to say nervous is an understatement. I am happy to report that Kiley and I made it. We are both just fine with no real wounds. It has been fun being with her by myself, but stressful at the same time. Does that make sense. I truly admire single mothers. I really don't know how you do it. I was exhausted every night. When Kiley went to sleep I felt like I could collapse right with you. So my hat goes out to you!!!

Not quiting

Ok as you all know, I am a nut. So it will not surprise you when I say I love the tour de france. I started cycling when I started doing triatholons and I fell in love with it. As I started cycling more I started following Lance Armstrong and his survivor story. As a result I started watching the tour. I was amazed at the strength of these riders. 2000 miles over a month, over 100 miles a day and at those amazing speed. I was hooked, So as Lance continued to beat all of the competitiors year after year I started watching Floyd Landis, a fellow member of Lance's team. He always amazed me because he continued to stick around and help Lance get through the toughest stages. Anyways, two years ago he left the U.S. Postal Team, which is now (team Discovey), for Team Phonak. I cheered him on. This year was Floyd's year. He won the tour with a 59 second lead.

The reason why I bring this up is on Wednesday Floyd was wearing the yellow jersey and had an awful run. I mean he lost the yellow jersey behind the new leader by something like eight minutes. That night at the post interview he admitted that he was defeated and said that he was out of the yellow jersey contention. But on Thursday he ran an amazing ran. He ended in leader contention by only being behind the current leader by 30 seconds. It was crazy...Anyways, after the race that day (Thursday) Floyd was asked what had happened. He said that the first hour of riding he was sulking about his bad luck. Then he decided to fight, to give it a shot. He started focusing on the positive.

I guess the point is I sometimes (alright most of the time) sulk and focus on the negative. Even with the negative thoughts I have managed to create for myself a great life. I have a wonderful daughter, an awesome husband, a sucessful law practice. So as my good friend Shelly asked me, given all that I have created to date focusing on the negative imagine what I could do if I focused on the positive. Wow!! I have a lot to think about. So will you all join me. It worked for Floyd!!

Priceless

SCENE: Hometown Pizza Joint-(Yummy pizza by the way)
B: This is great Pizza..
D: Sure is
CUT TO WOMAN COMING TO OUR TABLE
W: I don't mean to be noisy but I have seen three other Chinese Babies today at the restaurant, why do you guys adopt from China? Is it easier?
D: Um..Actually our daughter is not Chinese, she is Guatemalan.
W: Yeah I know it is another part of China..same thing.

Ok so I must come clean with you guys. I have not been posting much because I am so stressed. I am stressed beyond belief. When I get stressed, I shut down. Nothing new huh. I am stressed because we are having a lot of financial difficulties right now. It is a combination of me not working when Kiley came home and the purchase and running of the new firm. There is so much out going right now in the firm it is not even funny. I know I have only been in business two months next week. But geez..Needless to say it has made things a little hard on the homefront since we are putting everything and I mean everything into the business. It is paying off and will pay off more in the near future..but in the meantime these growing pains are killing me. To top all of this up, as every working mother, I am struggling with leaving my baby everyday. Bless his heart, Brad has been the most supportive person EVER..and I am so grateful for that. He encourages me and gives me everything that I would every need. His support makes me fight, but I am struggling with all the pressure and emotions. So there it is folks..I am fighting (anyone here the Rocky theme) but I am struggling.

Sorry it is a long post

I don't know what to write about. There is so much in my head going on that I want to write about, but I feel like I can't for I might make someone mad. The story of my life, making everyone happy. I will write about all of this later..no worries.
I will tell you guys that Kiley started to crawl as of Saturday. Yesterday she perfected the act. Crawl my Kiley, Crawl. LOL. Today she is nine months old. I think back at where we were a year ago and I just have to smile and laugh at my innocence, I figured I would be OK without a child. I knew that the good Lord knows what he is doing, so if you don't have a child he will provide in other ways. Hey I have three great nephews. Then I saw the picture of the boy we were first referred. My heart opened. I knew instantly that I was so wrong I was going and meant to be a mother. When that referral was taken from us I grieved. At that point I second guessed thought maybe God did not want me to be a mother. I was sure about that when the second and third referrals all feel through. I will admit I put up a wall before opening Kiley's pictures. I had already gone through so much. In fact that wall was there until we visited her. When I held her it was at this point that her little fists chipped at the wall. When we got into PGN and I called her foster mom after our visit and I heard her in the background the walls came. Don't ask me why..but they were down. So I began moving heaven and earth to bring her home. Now I know that she was meant to be in my life. I don't remember a time without her.

I just realized I never finished the story of our trip back home. so here it is lets just say we asked for our PINK appointment to be moved up as we were in Guatemala and it was granted. But they did not give us a time for the appointment. Our agency's representative said he would be there at 7:30 to pick us up. 8:15 still no representative. We keep calling his cell phone and finally he says he is on his way. We get down to the embassy with our agency's representative and try to explain that we were given another date to please let us. They ask for a print out of the email and of course we did not have it. I know what kind a lawyer am I. Anyways, the guard checks in with the higher ups and in the meantime we are awaiting outside infront of all these people waiting in line to be allowed a visa to enter our country. Anyways, they let us in and as we are walking into the waiting section another representative from our agency grabs me and Kiley and says they are already calling your name. I run up with Kiley to the window with Brad at my heels. I hand the lady at our window our paperwork and she says in Spanish to our agency rep...These pictures are all wrong and throws the paperwork back at me and shuts the window in our face. I look at Brad and he is frozen. Our first rep is frozen. He says I can't believe it. I look at him and go in lawyer mode and say Take to get new pictures and take me NOW....the other rep from the agency tells him the same thing and to HURRY...You think...Anyways he and Kiley and I go running out of the embassy onto the streets. (When I tell this story, Brad likes to point out that I am in heels through all of this with Kiley in the baby bojourn. Hey I can do anything in my heels.) I realize I have left my passport, ID, and money with Brad. I thought Oh my god here I am running in the streets, from the U.S. Embassy, with a Guatemalan baby..People are going to think the worst of me. Anyways, we get her pictures redone and come back. I must say they are better than the original one. As we are walking back into the embassy the second representative comes up to me and tells me that we are next at the window again. I look for Brad, but Kiley had already spotted him and was smiling at him. We go over to him and my mom and take a deep breath. Before I could straighten out my skirt our name is called and we go into a small room. We are asked whether we visited Kiley and when. I gladly show him pictures and ticket stubs from our visit. But he did not want to see them. Then we are told to wait in the lobby area with all the other adopting families. One by one the families are going then we hear over the intercom. and finally the last family to be help today the _family) ...US.. We go up and as we lift our hands to swear that everything in the application was correct Kiley put her hands to both our faces. I hear my mom crying in the background and we hear the sweetest words I am approving your application. You can come for your visa when it is ready. I kiss Kiley and Brad and we go over to my mom and hug her. We leave for the Hotel. I don't break down until I saw the visa stamped in her passport. At that point I call my sister and start to cry. It was at that point that I realize that God did want me to be a mom he wanted me to be a mom in his way and at his time. It was almost like he spoke to my heart that I was given this immense responsibility of protecting this child and watching her grow and to be a part of her journey of life. I owed it to her, to Mirina (FM) and to Kiley's BM.

I say all of this because I was watching Mad TV on Saturday night and there was a skit of this guy who adopted a child from China. Of course it was a doll, anyways the point is the guy stated he adopted the child as every other actor in Hollywood was adopting. Then in the "act" he states that he is going to return the "child " to the orphanage and adopt her sister as she was not behaving properly. This skit hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep or what. But I was like WTF...I felt like it was a mockery of everything that we all have and are going through this process. A mockery of the love I feel for this little one. To me it was implying that we could not possibly love a child and would give it back or send our daughter back if she was not perfect. Or worst yet that we are adopting because we want the perfect child. I am still reeling from it. Again, it was suppose to be funny, I know this. I just did not think it was. I know this is all because of lack of sleep, but please someone out there tell me I am not off my rocker for getting a little upset by the skit.

I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted. First if you get a chance go over to Angel's blog and give her some support, blogger love if you will. Poor thing waiting to re-enter PGN to finally be able to bring Zoe home.

Fathers Day was a hit. I made brunch for Brad and Kiley's godfather John. Full spread, eggs, pancakes, sausages, plantain, fruit salad..You get the picture. I must admit that Brad did help me. Poor guy. I told him that I would do it all but he said he really liked to cook and wanted to help. God I love the man. All day was dedicated to Brad, so Kiley and I did whatever he wanted all of which consisted of watching the world cup games, and going for a long walk. Funny story...When Brad and I decided to change Kiley's birthname, it was very important for us to select a name which we felt she would not get teased. So for father's day I bought Brad a money clip and went to get it engraved with Kiley's initials and birthdate. So anyways...I go to the local Things Rember and start to give Kiley's initials. As I gave them I noticed the salesgirl give me a weird look. I look down to the paperwork she was filling out and there I see Kiley's initials..."KEG" So I ask you will my daughter be popular or what!!

Thank you for the advice on the teething..Kiley seems to have a mouth full of teeth coming in. My poor baby girl must be very uncomfortable. The peditrician, whom we saw this past Monday, noticed it right away. On a side note, in regards to the vaccinations, we are going to run a titer when she is 1 year old to see the levels thanks for that recommendation. The doctor also found her to be just perfect. YIPPIEE

Anyways..I have not resolved the issue of doing it all. The biggest issue that I continue to be dealing with is a fear that Kiley will not (or has not) bonded with me. Does this ever go away? I mean really I want to be able to relax about this and have faith but for some reason I just can't. Pathetic, Crazy..I think so.

Teething...Oh how we love thee...

As you can tell Kiley is teething which means mommy and daddy get no ( or very little sleep). So that leads me to ask..How does one function without sleep? I mean really, I was in court the other day and I swear I saw two judges. HEE HEE. Luckily the Judge did not see me yawning. Not good!!! Nevertheless what can we do. As Brad says, enjoy every stage.

While I am at it..Let me also ask "how do we balance and keep our identity . Let me preface this by saying I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. It is the best thing in the world. God certainly gave me a great gift by allowing me to raise Kiley. Being a mom is part of my identity just as is Wife, and daughter. But what makes me is also a lot of other things. I am an attorney, I am a reader at our church, I am a ministry leader at my church, a triathelete and marathoner. I considered all those part of my identity. As you can imagine I want to do all of these things but I am a realist and know that something has to give. So how do we decide what has to be cut? How do we become OK with that decision. Part of me misses being in a swimming pool training for a triatholon. Another part of me would feel guilty not being involved any longer with my church, especially given the gift of Kiley. So how do we do this. How do we do it all?

Routine

Thank you guys for the wonderful encouragement on my firm. I think I am finally getting into a routine of sorts. It is a drastic change to be a working mother and then to top it all to be working for yourself. I am not sure I would recommend adopting and staring your own business at the same. But what is done is done. Clients are comings in which is good. I have an ad going out on June 8. Scary to see a cheesy lawyer ad. I feel really scummy about it but I need to get my name out there. Right now the clients have been referrals from the gentlemen I bought the firm from. But that can only last so long.

Lets see..Kiley is doing wonderful. Growing as a weed. Question for fellow readers...The pediatrician recommended/wants to redo all of her vaccinations?? Does this seem right? Anyways we had a great memorial weekend. We went over to our friends house where we BBQ and swam in the pool. The amazing part is that Kiley got into the pool and loved it. The amazing part of this is that Kiley did not enjoyed taking bath when we got her in Guatemala. I immediately starting co-bathing with her and she was fine. She began to actually enjoy taking baths. I really believe it helped our attachment. Anyways, since we went into the pool she has been a big girl and taking her bath without me.

I still have a lot of guilt leaving her. Its funny we get home and I am afraid I smother her. I am always laying on the ground with her, grabbing her, kissing her. I don't know if that is normal. I know that B has to pay some attention to her as well but I hog her. I realize or feel like I hog her because I am so insecure. Now don't get me wrong B, pays a lot of attention to her. He also holds her kisses her, changes diapers. In fact it is really cute for she follows him with her eyes and lifts her arms to him. But I still feel like I have to make her love me. Does any of this make sense. Am I so off my rocker??

MIA

Oh guys I am so sorry that I have been MIA. Let me give you a quick update. On Monday I opened my law office. My practice centers in Immigration. Ironic huh!! I actually purchased an existing firm. Needless to say I am excited but overwhelmed and suffering from mix emotions. I am on one hand trying to open and keep business coming in and on the otherhand I dealing with "bad mommy emotions" for having to go back to work. Please no flaming. I wish I could stay at home but I can't. I do know that once the firm gets up and running I will have more flexibility with Kiley. I am leaving Kiley with my brother-in-law (who is a stay at home dad) during the day. I don't drop her off until 10:00am and pick her up at a little after 5:00. My office is only 8 miles from my home and only 4 miles from my brother-in-laws. Also, since I am my own boss I can leave at any time if an emergency presents itself (or if I darn well feel like it). I guess these emotions are growing as I also believe I am suffering from some post partum depression. All I can say is UGH!!!

Do you see why we are in love!! Presenting Kiley Eileen Dafne Gruber!

Changes

How do I express or describe the changes that have occurred with Kiley coming home? I don't think there are words that describe it. I will say that I first expierenced the issue of not feeling entitled to being a mother. I felt (and to be honest sometimes still do) that I don't deserve this wonderful girl. I noticed in those times that I felt more like a babysitter. I have been working through these feelings and am fully embracing being this little girl's mom. Quite honestly, I am just so honored. Anyways, I have read and been told that it is pretty normal.

Kiley took to Brad right away. In fact when we first came down stairs and saw her when she first heard his voice she immediately turned to her head to him and gave him a beautiful smile. I swear she remembered him. It seems that our little girl remember her daddy telling her that she could not forget us. She and I have been working very hard to attach, I carry/wear her a lot on, co bathe, and do the feeding. I really believe it not only helps Kiley attach but it actually helped/s me.

So let me tell you part one of our coming home story. We arrive Wed the 4th. This time we stayed in the Marriott. Brad was cool and surprised me and got us into the two story suite. The space was well worth it. As I stated in my eariler email, the Guatemala coordinator for our agency called us and told us that Kiley would be brought the next day at 11:00a.m. as she had the embassy doctor's appointment. This was great for us it gave us an opportunity to get settled in. We had dinner at the bar/restaurant at the Marriot. That place was really good. I actually had a beer. We went to bed early as we had been traveling all day. We get the call and my poor mom. I thought she was going to faint. I was really calm surprisingly. We get to the lobby and I immediately go over and give hugs to everyone. Kiley was in deep sleep and totally covered by a blanket so I could not see her. Now Kiley's foster mom, Mirina, did not look happy at all. I figured this was pretty normal. So I go and take care of all the paperwork with our facilitator. In the meantime, my mom and Brad talk to Mirina and Kiley wakes up. My mom and Brad get to hold and basically love on her. After all the paperwork is done, Mirina then hands me Kiley and says "here is your daughter and please take care of her with tears running down her face. I assure her that we will and start to cry. We leave and get back to the room and my mom tells me that Mirina did not know that we were coming to pick Kiley up. Hence the really unhappy face. In fact she did not learn about us coming until after the doctor's appointment. So Mirina did not have time to say goodbye or get any of Kiley's things together. I was furious.. I had brought Mirina's phone number and I planned to call her that evening and invite her to spend time with us. Kiley was wonderful throughout the day. She smiled, played overall seemed to be adjusting. Mirina called us right after dinner very worried. She told me that Kiley was still on antibotics for a urinary tract infection. Mirina had not brought them with her as she had planned to go home right after the doctors appointment. I told her to come right away and we would pay for the cab. Mirina was so embarrassed that she could not afford a cab. I told her it was no problem. So we waited for her outside of the hotel. That is where I will leave you guys as I have already written and probably bored you to tears...Hugs...

Oh yeah can some one tell me how I can post pictures. I am trying to post a picture of Kiley for you guys...