Holidays

Let me recap the holidays for you guys. I know it is the middle of Jan. We had a wonderful holiday. Kiley was so wonderful on Christmas and Three Kings day. It was just great. Seeing and helping her open christmas gifts, not to sound cliche but "completed me". Here is a picture of her opening her gifts.

My grandmother was in town so Kiley got to meet her. Here is a picture of her with abuela.

I took some time off for the holidays. We went "indoor" rock climbing. Here is Kiley's attempt.

I refuse to incriminate myself by posting my pictures...Oh alright just to show I am a good sport. :0)


As to the sibling remarks. Brad and I have been seriously talking and praying about having another child. We would adopt again. I must admit it is really early in the talks for numerous reasons. I would love to go into them right now but I have bored you guys enough today. I promise to write about it tomorrow as I really want your input. Take Care!

De Lurking

Ok so I have a been a bad blogger this holiday. I promise to update first thing on Monday as I don't have a computer at home to use. I do have a lot to say about siblings possibilities. But before I go on to say more.. lurkers you know who you are..please come on out...Say hellooo I promise to visit..

Adventures

Adventures in motherhood that is. Lets see ...Kiley developed strep throat. Not a problem. She was acually handling it really well. No fussing. In fact I was very surprised when the doctor told me that the test was positive. Well that all changed when we gave her the antibotics. It seems my little one is allergic to pencillen. We found out the hard way. Before I go on let me say that she is fine. The first full day of antibotics she broke out in a rash. I called the doctor who told me that the rash was probably from the strep so to go ahead and continue with the antibotic and give bendadryl (not so sure about the spelling). So we do this. Next morning she woke up screaming and going into convulsions. The rash were now welts. Off to the ER we went. She is now totally better and on different antibotics for the strep. I have never felt so scared. Never felt more like a mother.

I am feeling better. I am sorry my last post was so negative. Geez!! Will write more tomorrow. I have an interesting post to write. I know, I am such a teaser!

*****Warning not to positive note and lots of whinning ******

Let me start out by saying that I am so thankful for everything I have this year. I have my daughter and husband who are both in the best health. I have my animals whom I adore. I have a roof over my head. Why should I be down and sad. Well as everyone knows I started my own firm in May. This has been a new adventure for me. No steady paycheck, overhead to be responsible for. You get the picture. The issue is that business is really really slow right now. Now mind you I have spoken to other lawyers in my same field all of which have told me that they are in the same boat. The difference is they have been in business for a while so they have had time to prepare for the slow time. Me ..not so much. So here it is Christmas time and I literally have no money. I mean I have no money to pay the bills for the business and therefore none to help at our home. The dilemma is it is Christmas and I want to buy (and in the past have had the discretionary income to buy) everyone great gifts. While I was in Guatemala last Christmas visiting Kiley I dreamt of her being home and I being able to give her the most wonderful Christmas. This included a stocking full of gifts, presents under the tree. I know she is only 13 months and won't remember Christmas, but I will. I have not been able financially to buy her one gift. Now I know I can get her little things trust me I will. But I am so angry that I just can't go and buy whatever I want for her and for Brad. I mean I know this whole post is sounding oh incredibly selfish but this is my outlet. I feel like I am letting her down. I feel like I am letting everyone down. The worst part of this is that I am selfish and I enjoy giving gifts and seeing everyone's faces. I also, dare I say, enjoy receiving gifts. Which I know I won't receive this year. I know..I know it is wrong...but lets be honest here! :0) So I am dealing with my issues of anger surrounding this Christmas. I really believe I was suppose to open this firm. I love my job and I am so much happier. I am also around Kiley all the time which my other job would not allow me. What could be better. (just a few more clients). I also am angry at myself. The long and short is I lent someone whom I trusted $1,000.00 of money which was already spent on bills for my firm supposedly for 24 hours. I only lent him the money because I really believed he was going to pay me back the money right away. I did not and do not have the money to lend him. He was to return the next morning with the money. I don't need to tell you but he did not come back in with the money. What is worst is that I am chicken to call him and ask for the money. AHHH I know it will be OK. I know it will have to be this way and things will get better but it sucks. It sucks hard. So now I am going to go sulk for a while. Thank you for reading.

Revelation

Ok so I am driving this morning following along my normal routine. Kiley is nicely tucked in the back seat eating her mini pancakes. I was singing along to Christmas music. When the music stopped my little girl continued singing. (Well AHHHH counts as singing). It was at this time it hit me. I am a mommy!! I am a frigging mommy!!! I am responsible for that little adorable girl. I can screw her up as my parents screwed me up. Oh my God I am Santa! Gulp Santa has not even started shopping. Santa has no money and no credit cards with room left. Yikes going to go throw up now.

Happy Turkey Day

Holidays, oh how I love thee!!! This Thanksgiving I have so many things to be thankful for. I just don't know how I got so blessed. This Thanksgiving is really special for me as we have Kiley with us. Last Thanksgiving Brad thanked God for the referral of our daughter and prayed for her safety and health at the dinner table. It certainly was a tear jerker. So I don't know how I won't cry at dinner this year when he gives the prayer.

Thanksgiving is a production for us. We are going to my mom's who always makes a yummy feast. We combine our Puerto Rican heritiage by having arroz con qandules, (rice with beans), lechon asado (BBQ pig) and of course the Turkey, stuffing, mash potatoes etc. Mind you there are only going to be six adults and four kids. You ask what am I bringing besides my beautiful daughter. (Which I am sure Abuela would say is all I need to bring). Anyways, this year I am bringing Salad, Corn, Desert and Lots of Wine (which I may or may not share. I mean really how else can I make it through dinner :0) LOL.

Although it is a food production it is also an emotional production. We have a typical family with typical issues. So the holidays are always fun. Nevertheless we remember and are thankful for our family (issues or none). This year we are especially thankful to those who helped us and allowed us to bring Kiley to our family. I will defintely be thinking of Kiley's BM and Mirina. My emotions are everywhere with regard to that. I pray that she is safe and has a place to share a meal. She defintely has one in our family at least in spirit. Happy Turkey Day everyone.

OK on a total waste of post I just want to say People magazine you are right!! What you ask brought this on. Well people magazine has placed George Clooney as the sexiest man alive. I don't know about you ladies out there but I love the man. Sorry Honey :0)

I was reading the article and I felt so old. Go look at the ages of these men. They are in there twenties. :0( Twenties for God's sake. It seems like it has been forever since I was in my twenties. OK I exaggerate I am 33, but still!!! I feel like a pervert reading and looking at them :0)

Date Night

Brad and I went out for a date night on Friday. It was weird not having Kiley with us. We have only gone out to eat without Kiley once since we came home. It was really weird. We were only gone for an hour but it felt like a long time and at the same time short. Does that make sense? At first Brad and I did not know what to talk about. I mean we do talk to each other. We especially try to talk and spend time with each other after Kiley has gone to bed. Lately we have not. I have been sick so I just collapse after she goes to bed. Furthermore, Kiley has a stomach virus so she is not her normal self. Needless to say we are just in Kiley mode.

I grew up with parents that did not talk to each other very much. It was very hard to grow up like that. It always felt cold between. As I got older I promised myself that I was not going to be one of those couples. It was no surprise when my parents told us that they were divorcing after 27 years. It was sad and at the same time a relief.

Needless to say, I was worried (and I guess a part of me still is) that we did not have anything to talk about. don't let me mislead you we shortly began talking about our days and tried not to talk about Kiley. However, I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to end up like my parent. I know they had a lot of other "issues" other than the lack of communication, but that fear still remains. I guess this part of parenting I find harder. In my head I know that Brad and I must take care of our relationship. What is failing is my body. Again how do we keep up with being a mommy and wife (lets not even talk about work). So any words of advice?

The New and Improved

Ok so as you can tell I went to the blogger beta..It is OK. We will see how it goes. I like the fact that I can add pictures on the side. So what is up everyone? Things are going well at the Casa of Grubers. Kiley is learning to throw temper tantrums and Mommy is learning patience. She had xrays done last week for her hips but thank god everything turned out fine. Funny enough I was not worried. We had our post adoption homestudy. Nothing but good things to report. Kiley was charming, funny and smart. Incredibly I was very nervous about this visit. I love our social worker. She adopted all of her children ( China and Guatemala). She tried to warn me not to go with our agency but at the time I didn't listen. She kindly reminded me off that fact as we were talking about the pickup. I just shrugged my shoulders and told her I was a buffon. But on to exciting news.. I am so happy for Angel..Zoe is finally home. Well actually they are right now in my neck of the woods Orlando. Isn't that cool! Go over to her blog and give her some love.

Well lets see...Work is going well. I have been very very busy with asylum case. My dad visited us last weekend which is always nice. Oh you won't believe what I did ...I went to a "passion party". It was the funniest thing I have ever done. I mean all these women there looking through catalogs and products. Totally fun and totally embarrassing. I am not one to go to these parties but my good friend threw it so what can I say. So that is the latest!

Happy Halloween

Happy First Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

You are one year old today and I must admit I can't believe. You have grown sooooo very much these past months it has been crazy. I ask myself all the time what I did so right to deserve to get the chance to be your mommy. Your birthday fell on a Tuesday so we are going to celebrate it on Saturday the 14th. I hope you have a wonderful time. We are going to see Mickey, Lilo and Stich. We are eating at a character breakfast at the Polyensian Hotel at Disney. So many people are going to be there it should be a lot of fun.

My little one you are the light of our lives. Right now you are all about standing and pushing the buttons on the DVD player. You still do not sleep through the night but that is OK. You love to crawl everywhere and my goodness you are fast. You are eating all kinds of food and loving it. You love to go to restaurants and stare at all the people. You are defintely a happy baby. You giggle so loud when I chase you. You love Daddy to throw you up in the air. You have just started giving high fives. It is so cute because after you give the high five you clap. You are not walking but you will get there soon. Honey, I love you more than words can say!!! Happy Birthday.

Ramblings

So it is Brad's Birthday on the 13th and I have no idea what to get him. I feel bad because I have been focusing on getting Kiley's birthday. I definitely don't want him to feel left out. I guess I am arriving once again to the balance issue. Trying to plan Kiley's party, parent, take time to get Brad's gift and oh yeah work. :0 So I have to do major shopping.

We decided to have Kiley's birthday party the Saturday after her birthday, the 14th. We are having her party at Disney Polynesian Resort. We are doing it at the character breakfast. http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/dining/diningDetail?id=OhanasDiningPage

It should be fun. The whole family is going to be there. My nephews are super excited. Don't worry I will post pictures. Especially because now I have control of the camera. I am trying to decide what to give as a goodies...I am thinking of having leis for everyone... I don't know what else to give....any ideas??

Where in the World is Kiley's Mom

In the Asylum land....that is where...It seems that every single asylum client of mine had their trials this past month. Literally I have had 3 to 4 trials a week. So I have been very busy. Not that I am complaining because goodness knows we need the money. However, I am exhausted. So other than working my ass off I am doing well. Kiley is growing like a weed. Thank you for your nice comments about her. We think she is gorgeous but we are pretty bias. Her one year birthday is coming up. Can you believe it?? We are thinking of taking everyone for a character breakfast at Disney. I think it would be a blast. I will let you know what we decide. For some reason Kiley's birthday is hitting me really hard. Not the fact that she is getting older, I mean I don't like it but I can't control it. What I am dealing with is the sense of grief for missing her first six months. What is weird about this is that I did not have any of these emotions when we brought her home. I thought about it when we were in the process but I did not really greive. But now as we are approaching her birthday I cannot help thinking (oh alright obsessing ;o) Has anyone else gone through this?

Here is Ms. K. I don't know why blogger did not load these pictures before. The top picture is in my office today!! She was crawling around greeting clients..

My good cyber friend D, made an excellent point in her last post. I think my last post was a catalyst for it.. Sorry D... By the way her blog is AWESOME so go over to it. http://www.away2me.typepad.com/ I don't want Kiley's life to center on the fact that she is adopted. In fact Brad and his brother, Jeff, were adopted. He tells me that was how he and Jeff were raised. He states that he always knew that he was adopted. He says there was never a big sit down and explaination he just always knew. However, the fact that he was adopted was not the focus growing up and to this day. He was and is his parents son. Now Brad, I do not believe is the norm, has no desire to meet or find out about his natural family. He has simple information on his natural family which he is tells me is enough for him. Now Jeff was different, and as far as I understand attempted to contact his natural family and putting it simply he was not received.

My point is that I like all of us want to be the best mom for Kiley possible. Not the best adoptive mom, for Kiley but the best mom. I don't want her to be singled out because she does not have a baby book. I also don't want her, if she is like Jeff to not have information or explaination about adoption. So I quess my question regarding the lifebooks center on what I know about Jeff. I will also admit a portion also comes from all that I have read. So there is a little part of me that feels like I should do this. Is that right, of course not...but I must admit I felt that way. Does any of this make sense. Ok so in the grand scheme of things this is what I decided. I will update Kiley's babybook, take out the portions that aren't applicable. I have a photo album of Guatemala and all of the trips, her foster mom and the one picture of her natural mother. When and if Kiley wants to see it it will be at her disposal. We will go back to Guatemala, personally, I love the country and want to go back to see more of it. I do bring the Guatemala heritage first it is beautiful second it is really close to my Mexican and Puerto Rican heritage. Ok so I done now. I hope I did not offend anyone by this or my earlier post. I am sorry if I did and it was not my intention. Here is a couple pictures of Ms. K..isn't she getting big!!!

Lifebooks

Ok so I have been debating whether to start a life book for K. I mean she has a baby book which I have (and I say this very sheepishly )have not been really good about keeping up to date. I am hanging my head really low now. So it will not surprise you guys when I question whether I will be really able to keep up (or start for that matter) a lifebook. However, I want K to have an understanding about Guatemala and her heritage. I also want her never to be ashamed that she is adopted. It has always been our plan to tell her she is adopted. We speak about it to her already. So I have heard and read that a lifebook helps in this avenue. So I come to you guys and ask:
1) Have you done/start a lifebook
2) Should I do a lifebook
2) If so, where have you gone to look for it. (preferably something I can do as I am not handy, or creative)

Am I right

Ok now I know that I am adoption sensitive. I admit it.. I am overprotective over anyone who is and has been in the adoption triage. So when I read that a wax figure of only baby Shiloh ( for those who don't read all the trash mags like me, that is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby) was placed in the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in New York City and not her other two children irked me. I guess I was also irked because the museum is going to donate part of the entry for UNICEF... I know I am pathetic...
http://people.aol.com/people/article/0,26334,1219205,00.html

10months old

My sweet angel,

You are ten months old today, I cannot believe it. Where has the time gone? The love I and your daddy have for you words cannot express. You are the light of our lives. You melt my heart when you say Mama, (although you say indiscriminately, I tell myself you are saying it to me:0). Daddy wants me to point out that you also say dada ;0) You always wake up with a smile although you have a hard time sleeping through the night. You wake up every night at 2:30am at which time we lay on the couch where you quickly go to sleep in my arms. You refuse to be put back into your crib until you are really in a deep sleep. You think it is funny when you get to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed when mommy or daddy are to tired to stay up with you. Your Uncle Paul takes care of you during the day and you love him and your cousins. You try to imitate your older cousins, so much so, that your Uncle Paul says you follow them into the bathroom. ( I wish I had a picture of that) You also absolutely love your Godfather Uncle John. You think it is funny that he has no hair. Everyone who meets you tells us how and what a special baby you are and I must admit they are right. You have been "adopted" by everyone at church infact you have been nicknamed "Holy Cross Catholic Church's baby. Your daddy and I think it is just fine. We are beginning to see you try for your independence by clearly letting me know you do not want to come out of the bathtub by pushing my hands away or pushing the bottle away when you are done. It looks like you might have a little temper as you make a fist and get red when you don't get to crawl to Sammy's water or food bowl. Our favorite game is "its bitsy spider and peek-a-boo. Sweetie, I wish I could express to you how you have changed our life for the good. I am so excited to share in your journey and I am honored that God has allowed me to take care of you. Remember I love you (no matter what). xoxo

Advice

I am not one to be critical of people. Really I am not. However, ever since I became a mommy people have found it necessary to give their parental advice. Now don't get me wrong I love to hear people. I love to hear their experiences but unwarranted advice is really not necessary. I find it interesting how it has become almost like a phenomenon. Really I feel like everywhere I go. I get unsolicited advice. Mind you I am glad to be accepted as a mother but at the same time it feels like I am always being judged. Now of course I am always going to be judged as Kiley's mother. I am going to be judged by her actions just like she is going to be judged by me. However, please don't tell me that it is not right that my little girl uses pacifiers, or that I prefer to give her the bottle.

While I am at it, is it really necessary to ask me about Kiley's mother. Hello that is me!! OK so am I the only going through this?

Well I managed to make it. I have not written because B has been away on business. I must admit I was very nervous as it was just going to be me. Added to the stress was the fact that I had two trials this week. So needless to say nervous is an understatement. I am happy to report that Kiley and I made it. We are both just fine with no real wounds. It has been fun being with her by myself, but stressful at the same time. Does that make sense. I truly admire single mothers. I really don't know how you do it. I was exhausted every night. When Kiley went to sleep I felt like I could collapse right with you. So my hat goes out to you!!!

Not quiting

Ok as you all know, I am a nut. So it will not surprise you when I say I love the tour de france. I started cycling when I started doing triatholons and I fell in love with it. As I started cycling more I started following Lance Armstrong and his survivor story. As a result I started watching the tour. I was amazed at the strength of these riders. 2000 miles over a month, over 100 miles a day and at those amazing speed. I was hooked, So as Lance continued to beat all of the competitiors year after year I started watching Floyd Landis, a fellow member of Lance's team. He always amazed me because he continued to stick around and help Lance get through the toughest stages. Anyways, two years ago he left the U.S. Postal Team, which is now (team Discovey), for Team Phonak. I cheered him on. This year was Floyd's year. He won the tour with a 59 second lead.

The reason why I bring this up is on Wednesday Floyd was wearing the yellow jersey and had an awful run. I mean he lost the yellow jersey behind the new leader by something like eight minutes. That night at the post interview he admitted that he was defeated and said that he was out of the yellow jersey contention. But on Thursday he ran an amazing ran. He ended in leader contention by only being behind the current leader by 30 seconds. It was crazy...Anyways, after the race that day (Thursday) Floyd was asked what had happened. He said that the first hour of riding he was sulking about his bad luck. Then he decided to fight, to give it a shot. He started focusing on the positive.

I guess the point is I sometimes (alright most of the time) sulk and focus on the negative. Even with the negative thoughts I have managed to create for myself a great life. I have a wonderful daughter, an awesome husband, a sucessful law practice. So as my good friend Shelly asked me, given all that I have created to date focusing on the negative imagine what I could do if I focused on the positive. Wow!! I have a lot to think about. So will you all join me. It worked for Floyd!!

Priceless

SCENE: Hometown Pizza Joint-(Yummy pizza by the way)
B: This is great Pizza..
D: Sure is
CUT TO WOMAN COMING TO OUR TABLE
W: I don't mean to be noisy but I have seen three other Chinese Babies today at the restaurant, why do you guys adopt from China? Is it easier?
D: Um..Actually our daughter is not Chinese, she is Guatemalan.
W: Yeah I know it is another part of China..same thing.

Ok so I must come clean with you guys. I have not been posting much because I am so stressed. I am stressed beyond belief. When I get stressed, I shut down. Nothing new huh. I am stressed because we are having a lot of financial difficulties right now. It is a combination of me not working when Kiley came home and the purchase and running of the new firm. There is so much out going right now in the firm it is not even funny. I know I have only been in business two months next week. But geez..Needless to say it has made things a little hard on the homefront since we are putting everything and I mean everything into the business. It is paying off and will pay off more in the near future..but in the meantime these growing pains are killing me. To top all of this up, as every working mother, I am struggling with leaving my baby everyday. Bless his heart, Brad has been the most supportive person EVER..and I am so grateful for that. He encourages me and gives me everything that I would every need. His support makes me fight, but I am struggling with all the pressure and emotions. So there it is folks..I am fighting (anyone here the Rocky theme) but I am struggling.

Sorry it is a long post

I don't know what to write about. There is so much in my head going on that I want to write about, but I feel like I can't for I might make someone mad. The story of my life, making everyone happy. I will write about all of this later..no worries.
I will tell you guys that Kiley started to crawl as of Saturday. Yesterday she perfected the act. Crawl my Kiley, Crawl. LOL. Today she is nine months old. I think back at where we were a year ago and I just have to smile and laugh at my innocence, I figured I would be OK without a child. I knew that the good Lord knows what he is doing, so if you don't have a child he will provide in other ways. Hey I have three great nephews. Then I saw the picture of the boy we were first referred. My heart opened. I knew instantly that I was so wrong I was going and meant to be a mother. When that referral was taken from us I grieved. At that point I second guessed thought maybe God did not want me to be a mother. I was sure about that when the second and third referrals all feel through. I will admit I put up a wall before opening Kiley's pictures. I had already gone through so much. In fact that wall was there until we visited her. When I held her it was at this point that her little fists chipped at the wall. When we got into PGN and I called her foster mom after our visit and I heard her in the background the walls came. Don't ask me why..but they were down. So I began moving heaven and earth to bring her home. Now I know that she was meant to be in my life. I don't remember a time without her.

I just realized I never finished the story of our trip back home. so here it is lets just say we asked for our PINK appointment to be moved up as we were in Guatemala and it was granted. But they did not give us a time for the appointment. Our agency's representative said he would be there at 7:30 to pick us up. 8:15 still no representative. We keep calling his cell phone and finally he says he is on his way. We get down to the embassy with our agency's representative and try to explain that we were given another date to please let us. They ask for a print out of the email and of course we did not have it. I know what kind a lawyer am I. Anyways, the guard checks in with the higher ups and in the meantime we are awaiting outside infront of all these people waiting in line to be allowed a visa to enter our country. Anyways, they let us in and as we are walking into the waiting section another representative from our agency grabs me and Kiley and says they are already calling your name. I run up with Kiley to the window with Brad at my heels. I hand the lady at our window our paperwork and she says in Spanish to our agency rep...These pictures are all wrong and throws the paperwork back at me and shuts the window in our face. I look at Brad and he is frozen. Our first rep is frozen. He says I can't believe it. I look at him and go in lawyer mode and say Take to get new pictures and take me NOW....the other rep from the agency tells him the same thing and to HURRY...You think...Anyways he and Kiley and I go running out of the embassy onto the streets. (When I tell this story, Brad likes to point out that I am in heels through all of this with Kiley in the baby bojourn. Hey I can do anything in my heels.) I realize I have left my passport, ID, and money with Brad. I thought Oh my god here I am running in the streets, from the U.S. Embassy, with a Guatemalan baby..People are going to think the worst of me. Anyways, we get her pictures redone and come back. I must say they are better than the original one. As we are walking back into the embassy the second representative comes up to me and tells me that we are next at the window again. I look for Brad, but Kiley had already spotted him and was smiling at him. We go over to him and my mom and take a deep breath. Before I could straighten out my skirt our name is called and we go into a small room. We are asked whether we visited Kiley and when. I gladly show him pictures and ticket stubs from our visit. But he did not want to see them. Then we are told to wait in the lobby area with all the other adopting families. One by one the families are going then we hear over the intercom. and finally the last family to be help today the _family) ...US.. We go up and as we lift our hands to swear that everything in the application was correct Kiley put her hands to both our faces. I hear my mom crying in the background and we hear the sweetest words I am approving your application. You can come for your visa when it is ready. I kiss Kiley and Brad and we go over to my mom and hug her. We leave for the Hotel. I don't break down until I saw the visa stamped in her passport. At that point I call my sister and start to cry. It was at that point that I realize that God did want me to be a mom he wanted me to be a mom in his way and at his time. It was almost like he spoke to my heart that I was given this immense responsibility of protecting this child and watching her grow and to be a part of her journey of life. I owed it to her, to Mirina (FM) and to Kiley's BM.

I say all of this because I was watching Mad TV on Saturday night and there was a skit of this guy who adopted a child from China. Of course it was a doll, anyways the point is the guy stated he adopted the child as every other actor in Hollywood was adopting. Then in the "act" he states that he is going to return the "child " to the orphanage and adopt her sister as she was not behaving properly. This skit hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep or what. But I was like WTF...I felt like it was a mockery of everything that we all have and are going through this process. A mockery of the love I feel for this little one. To me it was implying that we could not possibly love a child and would give it back or send our daughter back if she was not perfect. Or worst yet that we are adopting because we want the perfect child. I am still reeling from it. Again, it was suppose to be funny, I know this. I just did not think it was. I know this is all because of lack of sleep, but please someone out there tell me I am not off my rocker for getting a little upset by the skit.

I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted. First if you get a chance go over to Angel's blog and give her some support, blogger love if you will. Poor thing waiting to re-enter PGN to finally be able to bring Zoe home.

Fathers Day was a hit. I made brunch for Brad and Kiley's godfather John. Full spread, eggs, pancakes, sausages, plantain, fruit salad..You get the picture. I must admit that Brad did help me. Poor guy. I told him that I would do it all but he said he really liked to cook and wanted to help. God I love the man. All day was dedicated to Brad, so Kiley and I did whatever he wanted all of which consisted of watching the world cup games, and going for a long walk. Funny story...When Brad and I decided to change Kiley's birthname, it was very important for us to select a name which we felt she would not get teased. So for father's day I bought Brad a money clip and went to get it engraved with Kiley's initials and birthdate. So anyways...I go to the local Things Rember and start to give Kiley's initials. As I gave them I noticed the salesgirl give me a weird look. I look down to the paperwork she was filling out and there I see Kiley's initials..."KEG" So I ask you will my daughter be popular or what!!

Thank you for the advice on the teething..Kiley seems to have a mouth full of teeth coming in. My poor baby girl must be very uncomfortable. The peditrician, whom we saw this past Monday, noticed it right away. On a side note, in regards to the vaccinations, we are going to run a titer when she is 1 year old to see the levels thanks for that recommendation. The doctor also found her to be just perfect. YIPPIEE

Anyways..I have not resolved the issue of doing it all. The biggest issue that I continue to be dealing with is a fear that Kiley will not (or has not) bonded with me. Does this ever go away? I mean really I want to be able to relax about this and have faith but for some reason I just can't. Pathetic, Crazy..I think so.

Teething...Oh how we love thee...

As you can tell Kiley is teething which means mommy and daddy get no ( or very little sleep). So that leads me to ask..How does one function without sleep? I mean really, I was in court the other day and I swear I saw two judges. HEE HEE. Luckily the Judge did not see me yawning. Not good!!! Nevertheless what can we do. As Brad says, enjoy every stage.

While I am at it..Let me also ask "how do we balance and keep our identity . Let me preface this by saying I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. It is the best thing in the world. God certainly gave me a great gift by allowing me to raise Kiley. Being a mom is part of my identity just as is Wife, and daughter. But what makes me is also a lot of other things. I am an attorney, I am a reader at our church, I am a ministry leader at my church, a triathelete and marathoner. I considered all those part of my identity. As you can imagine I want to do all of these things but I am a realist and know that something has to give. So how do we decide what has to be cut? How do we become OK with that decision. Part of me misses being in a swimming pool training for a triatholon. Another part of me would feel guilty not being involved any longer with my church, especially given the gift of Kiley. So how do we do this. How do we do it all?

Routine

Thank you guys for the wonderful encouragement on my firm. I think I am finally getting into a routine of sorts. It is a drastic change to be a working mother and then to top it all to be working for yourself. I am not sure I would recommend adopting and staring your own business at the same. But what is done is done. Clients are comings in which is good. I have an ad going out on June 8. Scary to see a cheesy lawyer ad. I feel really scummy about it but I need to get my name out there. Right now the clients have been referrals from the gentlemen I bought the firm from. But that can only last so long.

Lets see..Kiley is doing wonderful. Growing as a weed. Question for fellow readers...The pediatrician recommended/wants to redo all of her vaccinations?? Does this seem right? Anyways we had a great memorial weekend. We went over to our friends house where we BBQ and swam in the pool. The amazing part is that Kiley got into the pool and loved it. The amazing part of this is that Kiley did not enjoyed taking bath when we got her in Guatemala. I immediately starting co-bathing with her and she was fine. She began to actually enjoy taking baths. I really believe it helped our attachment. Anyways, since we went into the pool she has been a big girl and taking her bath without me.

I still have a lot of guilt leaving her. Its funny we get home and I am afraid I smother her. I am always laying on the ground with her, grabbing her, kissing her. I don't know if that is normal. I know that B has to pay some attention to her as well but I hog her. I realize or feel like I hog her because I am so insecure. Now don't get me wrong B, pays a lot of attention to her. He also holds her kisses her, changes diapers. In fact it is really cute for she follows him with her eyes and lifts her arms to him. But I still feel like I have to make her love me. Does any of this make sense. Am I so off my rocker??

MIA

Oh guys I am so sorry that I have been MIA. Let me give you a quick update. On Monday I opened my law office. My practice centers in Immigration. Ironic huh!! I actually purchased an existing firm. Needless to say I am excited but overwhelmed and suffering from mix emotions. I am on one hand trying to open and keep business coming in and on the otherhand I dealing with "bad mommy emotions" for having to go back to work. Please no flaming. I wish I could stay at home but I can't. I do know that once the firm gets up and running I will have more flexibility with Kiley. I am leaving Kiley with my brother-in-law (who is a stay at home dad) during the day. I don't drop her off until 10:00am and pick her up at a little after 5:00. My office is only 8 miles from my home and only 4 miles from my brother-in-laws. Also, since I am my own boss I can leave at any time if an emergency presents itself (or if I darn well feel like it). I guess these emotions are growing as I also believe I am suffering from some post partum depression. All I can say is UGH!!!

Do you see why we are in love!! Presenting Kiley Eileen Dafne Gruber!

Changes

How do I express or describe the changes that have occurred with Kiley coming home? I don't think there are words that describe it. I will say that I first expierenced the issue of not feeling entitled to being a mother. I felt (and to be honest sometimes still do) that I don't deserve this wonderful girl. I noticed in those times that I felt more like a babysitter. I have been working through these feelings and am fully embracing being this little girl's mom. Quite honestly, I am just so honored. Anyways, I have read and been told that it is pretty normal.

Kiley took to Brad right away. In fact when we first came down stairs and saw her when she first heard his voice she immediately turned to her head to him and gave him a beautiful smile. I swear she remembered him. It seems that our little girl remember her daddy telling her that she could not forget us. She and I have been working very hard to attach, I carry/wear her a lot on, co bathe, and do the feeding. I really believe it not only helps Kiley attach but it actually helped/s me.

So let me tell you part one of our coming home story. We arrive Wed the 4th. This time we stayed in the Marriott. Brad was cool and surprised me and got us into the two story suite. The space was well worth it. As I stated in my eariler email, the Guatemala coordinator for our agency called us and told us that Kiley would be brought the next day at 11:00a.m. as she had the embassy doctor's appointment. This was great for us it gave us an opportunity to get settled in. We had dinner at the bar/restaurant at the Marriot. That place was really good. I actually had a beer. We went to bed early as we had been traveling all day. We get the call and my poor mom. I thought she was going to faint. I was really calm surprisingly. We get to the lobby and I immediately go over and give hugs to everyone. Kiley was in deep sleep and totally covered by a blanket so I could not see her. Now Kiley's foster mom, Mirina, did not look happy at all. I figured this was pretty normal. So I go and take care of all the paperwork with our facilitator. In the meantime, my mom and Brad talk to Mirina and Kiley wakes up. My mom and Brad get to hold and basically love on her. After all the paperwork is done, Mirina then hands me Kiley and says "here is your daughter and please take care of her with tears running down her face. I assure her that we will and start to cry. We leave and get back to the room and my mom tells me that Mirina did not know that we were coming to pick Kiley up. Hence the really unhappy face. In fact she did not learn about us coming until after the doctor's appointment. So Mirina did not have time to say goodbye or get any of Kiley's things together. I was furious.. I had brought Mirina's phone number and I planned to call her that evening and invite her to spend time with us. Kiley was wonderful throughout the day. She smiled, played overall seemed to be adjusting. Mirina called us right after dinner very worried. She told me that Kiley was still on antibotics for a urinary tract infection. Mirina had not brought them with her as she had planned to go home right after the doctors appointment. I told her to come right away and we would pay for the cab. Mirina was so embarrassed that she could not afford a cab. I told her it was no problem. So we waited for her outside of the hotel. That is where I will leave you guys as I have already written and probably bored you to tears...Hugs...

Oh yeah can some one tell me how I can post pictures. I am trying to post a picture of Kiley for you guys...

Many apologizes

I am so sorry that I have been MIA but as you can imagine it has been crazy. Thank you for thinking of us. So here is the update. WE ARE HOME WITH OUR MAYAN PRINCESS!!! My life now feels complete I feel at whole. Does that make any sense. It was definitely a crazy trip down there but in the end it all worked out. Ok so here is the story in short...On Wed we flew out to beautiful Guatemala. We stayed at the Marriott this time as the Westin was closed for remodeling. (On a side note I really prefer the Westin.) We went down as we were told we had Pink but no one knew the date of our appointment. Our case manager told us that the appointment could be as early as Friday or after Easter. I know confusing???? Well this did not surprise me given our agency's stellar record of communication. The head Guatemala Coordinator for our Agency was in Guatemala visiting babies at the same time so low and behold as soon as we checked in to the hotel she called us and told us she personally would find out the date of our appointment. In the end we got an appointment for that Friday and came home Monday. I will write more this weekend because as you can imagine it did not go this smooth. I tell you I really believe that we would not be home yet with Kiley if we did not go down there. Nevertheless, Kiley is adjusting and is the light of our lives. God does give you angels.

We are here

We made it in this afternoon. Kiley will be brought to us tomorrow after her embassy doctor visit. Although I would love to see her it is ok. We do have PINK but no one here seems to know when our appointment is.. I know.. what can I say...I am glad we came so we can get this whole situation straighten out. The Guatmala Coordinator for our Agency is here and is going to meet us tomorrow at 11:00am. Hopefully we can find out when our appointment date is and we can come home. Our flight back is on Wednesday. We will see. I will try to update later.

Don't get excited

For we do not have Pink yet.. We were submitted on last Thursday so we should here today or tomorrow. I am so excited. We tentaively reserved airline tickets leaving Wed. I know, premature. But whatever. I feel really bad for Lisa (Domonic's Homecoming). Domonic is still in the hospital with the Rotoavirius so please go over and give her some love. BTW what is this Rotavirus and should I be worry?? It seems like I am hearing a lot of people suffering from this. Yikes freaking out now.. Will keep you guys updated.

PGN

Oh Happy Day!!
Wait for it......

Yup!! We are O...U....T. OUT OUT OUT!!!!

Can you tell I am excited. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me. It has been rough. Especially, because I left my old firm to start my own practice. It has been crazy. I will defintely blog about that later. ;-) You don't know how much your words have ment to me . We don't have a GC BC so hopefully we can leave soon.

How Much ???

Ok after that sorta uplifting somewhat positive post, I write to say I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think I can do it. What is the breaking point you ask. My darling husband pratically in tears at dinner last night. He told me that he is having a hard time waiting and just wants her home and pratically broke down. My husband is the most patient and wonderful man ever. He is my rock and to see him so upset..well...I can't do it. I don't think it is fair that we got kicked out and are still waiting. It is not fair that our case manager is away so I can't bug her to death. It is not fair that others who entered PGN way way after me are bringing their babies home. (please don't flame me, I am really happy for those families..really I am) So there it is folks. Please pray, send positive engery ...whatever so we get out of PGN. Kiley is 5 months for goodness sake.!!!

PGN Day 41, approaching the end of 5 weeks
Manatra: We will be out of PGN anytime now!!

Lightbulb

Lets get the adoption status out of the way shall we....It has been 14 days since we re entered and as of Sunday we are still waiting. ( Case Manager has a family emergency and will be out till next week so I have no news) We have been in PGN for a total of 39 days, five weeks. (But who is counting!!)

Ok with that out of the way I want to tell you about a wonderful lightbulb expierence I had yesterday. Sorry it is going to be long. As background I need for my sanity to work out. Trust me when I say need, I mean NEED to workout. I am so fortunate to have a wonderful husband who understands and accepts that part of me. So I go to Pilates twice a week, after which I do cardio for another hour and another day of Personal Training (the gym calls it Body Shock) and you guessed it Cardio. I like to torture myself so I do Triatholons and use to do Marathons before my knees said enough. Anyways, I am not trying to boast here. Really... I do this stuff as it helps my mind. I have struggled with an eating disorder for many many years along with having a bum liver so I need to work out.

Long story short, prior to joining my current gym I use to go to this little (now big) yoga studio called College Park Yoga. Here is the website http://collegeparkyoga.com/

The instructors Theresa and Calvin are amazing. They are the most spiritual and well rounded people I have met. I absoutlely love them. The type of yoga at the studio is "hot yoga". In other words you sweat your ass off. More importantly you sweat all the impurties, all the tension all the bad energy and you defintely clear your chakras. ( I know I am sounding hippie just go with it) Well last night I decided I needed to go to Yoga. I have been working like crazy and with the adoption I figured I needed to center. I needed to sweat. Plus my second chakra needed some TLC. So I went last night. I will freely admit I have not been in a good space about the adoption. I have been angry and sad. I have not wanted to write about it as not to be a bore and be a downer. Plus, I really want to remain positive. So for all those reasons I went to class. During the class Theresa and Calvin talk. They give their two cents about life if you will. Theresa was talking about the need to stay in the present and to let everything go. We cannot change what happened in the past and we certaintly can not help what is in the future. We only can deal with the present.

While she said this I was thinking "helloooooo that is easier said then done." Theresa continued and said essentially "each moment is important...each second is important..no moment is more important than the other.. we must honor each moment and give thanks for each moment...even if it is bad.... for we learn and grown in both.....Click...lighbulb went off...How arrogant have I been..She is right... each moment is important and by me worring (ok obsessing) I have missed a lot. I have given/missed those special moments with Kiley, with Brad, with my friends and family by this worrying. UGH..does this make sense.... In the end Theresa and everyone else has been right. For the current adoption status (which I will classify as bad) has taught me the value and importance of each moment. Damn it to hell we really do learn from each moment.... So there it is my friends ...Thanks for sticking to my long story..Namaste!

Mantra: we will be out of PGN any day now

PGN: Day 39, week five.

Glimpse

Glimpse of my day!

Wake up and roll over and check to see if cell phone and phone rang..(always on )
Check to see if email came in on blackberry(which is also always on)
Shower
Think today is the day
Hope today is the day
Say a prayer of forgiveness for wanting today to be the day
Drive to work with cell phone on lap (you know, just in case ;-)
Get to office
Ask all of the secretaries if anyone has called
Get an email from CM sending information and pictures of wrong baby- yup still don't nderstand how someone can do that...anyways,
Check email and voice mail continously.
Read all of your blogs
Oh yeah, and try to do some work ;0 )

Mantra: We will be out of PGN anyday now!!

Back In the saddle again

We are back in PGN Yippie!!!! Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. I feel very relieved. I am hopeful that our wait will not be long now. I don't know if we have to wait another 20 days till we hear something else. Gosh I hope not. Anyways, I must admit I was sweating it for a while there. My good friend told me, correctly I must admit, that I was trying to control the whole situation and by doing that I would in the end push everything farther away. I looked at her like she had just fallen out of the sky. But then I thought about what she said and I realized she was right. I had to remind myself that I have to trust. I have to trust that there is a higher being that is in control and that I am not the only person involved in this. Kiley I guess needs to be at her foster moms for a reason. What that reason is I don't know but I have to trust that there is a reason. I know that I have a lot of growing up to do before she comes home. Maybe that is why she is still at her foster mom. Do you see what I am getting at. It may sound really crazy but you know it just makes sense. So along with continual positive thinking I am going to learn to trust. Trust that everything will and is working out according to plan.

In other good news Lisa and Frank are out of PGN after 67 days...I am so happy for them. It would have been nice to meet you guys but I rather you get Dominic home quickly. Also, D and her dh A, have been matched and it is looking good so far !!!!!

Mantra: We will be out of PGN anyday now!!!

This much I know is true... God blessed the broken road and led me straight to you!! Yes God blessed the broken road and led me straight to you!

-AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Kick out total days so far: 5
Mood: You don't want to know!

Bad News

KICKED OUT!!!
Yup for an error on the Guatemala side. It appears that our lovely social worker did not put a clause in her report which specifies that Kiley's birthmother could read, write and sign. No one can tell us how long this is going to be. I hope our social worker is kind to us. Please remember it took her 3 weeks to write the report. God knows how long it will take her to fix this. Please pray I make it through the baby shower tomorrow.

Silence

Is silence golden? I think sometimes it is..Like when you are meditating, or really engrossed in a good book or trying to meet a deadline. But not when you are waiting to hear from a case manager. ;-)

I must be honest. I am tired of hearing people telling me to enjoy this time of silence because the house will never be the same. Your life won't be the same. You will not be able to sleep. Oh yeah and forget about taking a vacation or playing suduko. Why do people feel it necessary to tell you all the bad things. Furthermore, is the fact that I can't play suduko and rather spend time calming a crying little girl really a bad thing? Now don't get me wrong I fully expect my life to change. I am sure that I have no clue how it is going to change. But my beef here is that there are very few people who support couples who are pregnant or adopting. Have you noticed this. My good friends John and Robin are the exception here. They tell us everyday how wonderful, and yes difficult, parenting is. They tell us we are going to enjoy every minute of it. Now I seriously doubt that Kiley is going to be an angel and I am never going to have any problems and that I am going to enjoy every minute of her precious life but the point is it is the support that they give us by those little statements that is important.

Please indulge me as I dive a little further into this. My nephew is autistic. My sister works two jobs to be able to afford and pay for his medical treatment. She would also tell you that silence is not golden in her house. Anyways, our whole family is involved as we see that she needs the support. As wives, husbands, mothers, daughters, fathers, and sons, we need the support, we need encouragement in our daily lives. Not only the major things such as adoption, infertility, but a smile encouraging a mother with a screaming toddler, or maybe a sales clerk , someone on the subway. I don't know. I know I am horrible at this. Poor Brad. But you know what, I am learning. One of the gifts that our adoption has taught me is the need for support and the giving of support. So I am noticing these things when I go out. Hopefully I will be able to do something about it. Ok I am getting off my soap box, I guess I am reaching my tolerance level of unsupported comments by people that 1) have no business saying anything in the first place and 2) those that know better.

PGN: Day 18

Mantra: "we will be out of PGN anyday now"

More ramblings

Ok this baby stuff is becoming real. Is that a good thing or bad thing? I don't know, part of me is so excited and the other part of me is scared to death. What I do know is that I can't concentrate on anything. Hence my boss is not really happy with me. What can I say. I continuously check my email for any news. I make sure my cell phone is on with a full signal and full battery. Pathetic and really quite annoying. It has only been 14 days for goodness sake. Lisa and Karen I am in awe with your patience and perseverance. Hugs to you.

My best friend, Melody is throwing us a baby shower on the 25th. My mom and sister really wanted to throw me a shower as well so hence I am having two showers. Um not to excited about the latter, sorry Michelle, I am OK with it just feel guilty having two. Anyways the point is the Melody's shower is going to be at our house. As you can imagine my house is now officially a madhouse. Our goal for the weekend is to finish Kiley's room and clean the rest of the house and animals, (even the kitties..here Kitty Kitty). However, buying the stuff for Kiley has made the finality of the adoption real. It scares me, I don't want to jinx it. For instance last night we were at Target, (my favorite store) and we saw the cutest dress. I told B, that it would be a great dress for Kiley to come home in. So he picks out the 6mth size. I look at him like he is crazy and pick up (and end up buying) the 9mth old size. You see, I can't buy something 6mths because I don't want to be disappointed and sad if she is not six months when she comes home. Does any of this make sense. Maybe I am unrealistic, Maybe I am out of my mind. Ok don't answer that last part. Sigh I thought I had a reason and a method for this post but like everything I am doing right now, I don't make any sense and end up rambling...Sorry!!! Lets not forget our Mantra "We will be out of PGN anyday now"

Positive Thoughts:

1) Shopping for Kiley is fun!!!

2) B looks awful cute buying baby stuff.

Update

Oh this positive thing must be working. We got an update we (of course) are still in PGN but more importantly we got pictures of little Ms. K . As background we have never gotten an update since referral. Anyways, she is 13 pounds. Can you believe it. The medical reports states that she can lift and maintain her head up when on her tummy. She takes well her formula. Bright objects attract her attention, and she can follow them with her eyes. She responds socially and smiles, when you smile with her . Cool huh. Then I got beautiful flowers from Brad for valentines day. Nice huh. Now if only we can get out of PGN. That is our Mantra "we will be out of PGN Any day now !!!" come on everyone say it with me. I figure it cannot hurt . ;0)

I don't think I told you guys but Brad has been gone for over a week for business. So I have been kinda down. But I have such great friends John and Robin, and Krissy. They invited me over for dinner Sat night so I went over there and had a great time. Good food, Good wine...(lots ;0) of wine) What more can one say. Sunday I cleaned cleaned cleaned and had a great brunch with my mom.

I also finished our registry this weekend. The only thing we don't have listed is the car seat. There are so many....What type/brand of car seat did you guys register for ...Convertible, infant...I am so confused. Someone please help.!!!

PGN

Good news!! After 16 longs weeks in Family Court we just heard that we are in PGN as of Friday. I am so very thankful and hopeful. To think that we are in the final stages is incredible. I now ask my other PGN waiters to move over cause we are there with you. However, my mom always taught me to bring gifts whenever I go somewhere so I come with chocolate, tequila, valium, patience and big shoulders to lean on.... Please pray, send good energy and positive thoughts, whatever you choose, just please focus that the PGN Gods will let us all out quick....There are so many others who have been waiting so long and my heart breaks for them. See Lisa http://dominicscountdown.blogspot.com/ and Karen http://karenw.typepad.com/thelonglongjourney/ give them some encouragement .

It seems weird this process that at every stage there is some kind of hang up. Right now the US Embassy is making changes which is causing major delays in all areas of this process from the DNA authorization to Pink ( which in the long and short is the official slip to come down). It really is crazy and wrong on so many levels. But we are focusing on the positive now remember, so therefore we see the changes as the Embassy's attempt to improve the system. I know, I know.. (grin) Anyways, please celebrate with us. Hopefully we will ALL be out soon.

This weekend

Since I am on the new positive thought process I went ahead and re-register(is that a word) for our baptism class this weekend. I am excited it should be fun. I think it is going to be taught by one of my good friends who is awesome and a terror on a bike. She kicks my butt everytime we ride together. Anyways, the class is this Sunday. ( I know Super Bowl Sunday) B is ready to kill me, but in my defense, it is in the middle of the afternoon. Afterwords we are going over to our friends home (who just happen to live across the street) to watch the game and party. I do love football so it should be cool. However, what I am really exicted about is that on Sat we are getting really dolled up and going out to a nice fancy dinner. Isn't that cool!! I don't know where we are going B, is handling all the plans. He bought me this really nice dress specifically for this weekend. Hmm but he did not buy shoes..I just have to go shopping...I mean really you can't go out in a new dress with old shoes can ya? As you can tell I am really looking forward to it. I believe this positive thinking is working.

D, I will work on our name...(grin and hugs)

Positive

Ok so I decided no more negative thinking. I am sorry that I have been so negative. The crazy thing is that I am really a pretty positive person. I try to be positive for everyone. You know, I am the one you want to hit when you are down because I really try to sympathize and help. But when it comes to our adoption journey I am someone I don't recognize. But NO MORE......My good friend told me that she believes that one's surroundings and the events that occur are a reflection of ones thoughts, feelings and beliefs. She made it sound so easy. Essentially it is a concept that I believe to be true. i.e., Negativity brings negativity. So I wave the white flag...I say no more to negativity. I am going to try and focus on the positive. For instance, I have a wonderful husband who loves me and loves K. He wants to go down for the pickup but may not be able to do depending on the date of the pick up and his work travel schedule. This "minor delay" only helps ensure that he can be there...What do you think working huh!!!

What more can I say..

This is the email I got this morning....

I received an update on your case this morning from *****. Your case is still in Family Court and we are waiting on the SW to issue the report. When she does, we have the Equal Rights Affidavit and the certified and authenticated DNA results to add to it and put into PGN. As soon as I hear the SW issues the report I will let you know

Oh yes, I was told how "lucky" I am to be adopting this weekend as it is so much easier. I feel really damn lucky right now. Week 16 here we go...

To say I am mad and sad and can't stop crying would be an understatement. I just called to cancel us for the baptism preparation class which was this weekend because quite frankly I don't have much hope that K is coming home soon. Also, I don't want to be around other parents... Is it bad that I don't want to be around parents with their babies or who are expecting right now? I just can't.

Here is my positive list to focus on.
1. More time to work on the nursery
2. Time to finish reading Toddler Adoption and Holding Time
3. My nephew turned 7 on Sun and his party this past weekend was great.
4. My other nephew called me his cool aunt .

If a tree falls in the forest does it make a noise????

Do you hear what hear...yup nothing yet. I told you guys that I would continue to post in order to stop myself from calling or e-mailing my cm. So there you are. Let me ask you guys..Can my senator really help??? I mean we have preapproval. The SW interview was done two weeks ago. I don't know what we are waiting for. I think they only get involve for the Pre approval step.

Oh yes, I forgot to tell you guys, my girlfriend, is throwing me a baby shower. Isn't that great. On February 25. I am so excited and yet sad and scared. It is going to be at our house. I have so much to do to the nursery before then so I will definitely have something to keep me busy. I have the crib, and crib set . Here is the set http://ww1.potterybarnkids.com/cat/pip.cfm?src=shpab%7Ccbdgnbd%7Cda%7Crshop%5Fb&pkey=cbdgnbd%7Cab&gids=w470&gids=w470

Cute huh!! What do you think?

We have painted the walls and placed wanes coating up. But I have no other furniture. I will take a picture of the half complete nursery and post it next week. That is it for now

Must Remain Calm

I emailed my case manager yesterday morning and she said that she was suppose to get an update on all of her files by Friday (today) so she will get back with us. I am resisting the urge to email her again and ask "have you heard anything". I know I have been sounding like a looser lately. Really, I am pretty calm about this whole adoption thing but being in family court since October is getting a little ridiculous. It has been 14 weeks. Ok so I decided I am just going to just keep putting entrys on this here blog until I hear something. Oh yeah I guess I am also suppose to work to...Nahh ..

CHANGE IS GOOD

Ok I give...I could not fix the links problem so obviously I changed the template. Ha there are more than one way to skin a cat. I hope this works. I am adding my links again. I know I will forget someone so please do not be offended if I forget just leave me a comment or email and I will add ya because after all I love you guys.

Hi! everyone...I am trying to fix this darn links thing...not working..Oh well...I am finding it very hard not to email our case manager to see if she has heard anything and really to make sure our document got to Guat. B and I decided we would wait until tomorrow before I email or call her as that gives her a chance to contact the Guatemala coordinator and find out a status before the weekend. Does that make sense. But the anticipation is killing me.

On a total different front, I may be going on a new work venture. I will give more details when it gets finalize. Just please send me some good thoughts. I am excited and yet scared to death.

Ramblings

I finally finished authenticating our equal rights affidavit and it got to the agency this morning. WHOO HOO!!!! I found two great courier service. One of them the courier was a wonderful woman. She shared with me how she and her hubby have been TTC for seven years and they were now looking at the adoption route. It got me thinking. It is interesting and I think kind of cool how ever since we started this process we are meeting all these great people who are going through the same experiences as us. The same people really Understand everything that we are going through. I mean I can handle hearing from you guys, "I understand" because you have been there done that. It is wonderful. I don't think I have ever experienced this before. I mentioned this to B last night and B said it probably will be this way when K, is home (God Wiling) and we meet other parents at school etc. I hope so, but I must admit I wonder. I guess it goes to my fear of being considered a second class parent. YKWIM.

Anyways, our CM said our document should get to Guatemala on Tuesday and be translated right away. These are things I like to here.. But, and you knew there is a but, I don't get my CM. When I was talking to her , (which btw is my first mistake, I should have just emailed her ) she said "well you should be right back into PGN???" HUH PGN???? . My heart jumped and I said " Did our SW report get done and we get submitted to PGN?? " She did not reply. Ahh yes the golden silence. Then she says it should be at the most three weeks from the date of the interview for the social worker report to get done. Our interview was done a week ago. No answer to my question. I hate vagueness..And I hate when someone does not answer my question. Yes I know, I am being picky. I am big enough woman to take it. I also know that she can't make the social worker type up the report. I guess I just wanted her to say. You know what, I will make an inquiry about that today or first thing on Monday, but know that it should be at most three weeks. and I am sorry that I got your file mixed up.. Maybe I am being unreasonable. Maybe I am being the woman that I said I was not going to be in this process. I know that she made a mistake. Which is OK and completely normal. I just don't understand how you can get files mixed up like that and not offer to pick up the file and get back with me later with an update? I know, maybe I am taking things to much at heart. But I am finding this to be a fault with many agencies out there. I know I would get fired if I mixed up cases. If a client calls me and asks me a question I tell them upfront that I am going on my memory give them an answer and then assure them that I will pull the file and get back with them with a status. YKWIM. Oh well...So that is the scoop. Oh yeah Lisa and her hubby went this week to visit their son. I am so happy for them and I can't wait to hear about their trip. Also, I can't figure out what is wrong with my links. I am debating going over to typepad. What do you all think. Let me know. Last thing, our friend Brian is coming in this weekend. So it should be interesting. The boys will be together. God Help me!!!

Ok I give!!

Alright I will end the story. My poor baby girl was sick all week but thank God with no fever. She had a rough time breathing at night but we used the steam of the hot shower to open up her lungs. As I mentioned earlier we met a great gal A, who was picking up her son. She took us to the pharmacy so we could buy a aspirator (I think that it is what it is called it is the thing you stick up babies nose to clear out mucus ). Note to parents going down bring an aspirator. A really showed us around and we had a great time with her and her son. We also met another couple S and C who were there visiting their son who was 4mths old. They were in PGN. They wanted to arrange a marriage between K and their son. B said that K is going to a convent so it is out of the question.

We met another great couple S and D who are using our agency. Unfortunately, they have had a rough time. Their Daughter is 12 months old. They accepted her referral when she was 3 months old and they were paper ready. They were just exiting Family Court when we were there. You heard me right 9 months and just getting into PGN. They are having the same problems lack of communication, lies etc. Their poor daughter was having a really hard time adjusting. She cried constantly and really looked scared to death. I felt so bad for the little one. sniff I taught S & D some words in Spanish which seemed to help a little. I could punch my agency for them. They are still in PGN. I pray that the PGN gods let them out soon. They are an amazing couple and gave me faith. They were taking things in stride. I realize that I am a big baby because if they can go through all of their crap with out much complaints what am I complaining about.

Ms. K is an angel. She is just a happy baby. Even when she could not breathe she just look at us with trust. She has a TON of hair. She cooed and smiled and kicked. She would look at me all the time and hold my hair when I fed her. God I miss that. Sniff sniff We took a day trip to Antigua with her. She slept the whole day in the handy dandy Baby Bjourn (everyone must have one really) as we walked and walked the beautiful city. I highly recommend going to Antigua very safe and so amazing. The volcanoes, the ruins..I could go on..and on

The night before was a very hard night for me. I started crying before and after dinner. I called my mom and sisters and cried more and more. It did not help that I walked in on B holding K and asking her not to forget us...He told her that was her only job... I stayed up all night watching her. I was much calmer the next morning and gathered myself for breakfast. However, S, A, and S came up to me at the omelet station and asked me how I was doing. Yup you guessed it. I lost it. The poor chef handed me a stack of napkins. Poor guy. He probably thought this crazy American woman who says she is an attorney. Anyways, I made it through. K recognized M really quickly which made me sad and glad at the same time. I was glad that she is forming an attachment to M, but it is bittersweet. I fed her and talked to M. She is a remarkable woman who has been doing this for 10 years. She told me how much she loved K and how she is giving her as much love as possible. I felt much better after we talked.

Let me tell you that my little girl already knows how to manipulate me... She was calm through out M and I conversation. She was smiling away drinking her bottle. However, when it was finally time I go to hand her over to M, she starts crying bloody murder. I mean blood curling cries. She cried from that moment up until they walked out the door. Yup stick a knife in me and pour salt on the wound. I am so in trouble.

Ok now we head to the airport, note to travelers make sure you pay you airport tax. We luckily had been told by our new found friends to pay it. if not we would have been SOL. Anyways I was calm, not really bitter up... until I got to the gate and saw SIX (6) babies coming home on our flight. I was happy for all of them. Really, I was and am. I just did not need to see SIX babies on my plane.

So now we are home. Our social worker interview did go forward on the Jan. 13. On Friday our case manager called and said that one of our documents from our dossier has been LOST, Yes LOST...How do you loose a document I don't know...So we have to redo this doc quickly so they can have it before we get into PGN. I am afraid that they will hold our file until they get that document. That is supposing our social work makes her report quickly. crossing fingers...Unfortunately, the Sec. of State office in Miami is now closed. So we had to send it to Tallahassee to get certified and then send it to the Guatemala consulate in Miami to get authenticated. Yup sucks ...but what are you going to do..The upside is that they found the error before we get into PGN so we should not get kicked out for that. I won't lie, at this point I just want my little girl home and I am on a bigger mission after our visit. Please pray, send good vibes, anything really, so that we get in to PGN soon. So that is the story....Would I recommend visiting ABSOLUTELY ....It was the hardest and the best thing I have ever done.

Visit continues

So where did I leave off??? oh yes at this point my vision gets blurry. B was in the dark all of this time because C, had spoken to me in spanish. He stopped using the video camera when he saw me go white and reached out to grab me before I fell. I composed myself and say to C that of course we want her and really what kind of question is that? Afterwhich I ask the million dollar question i.e., what is she suffering from...she says has had a high fever, has a severe upper respiratory infection (which turned out to be bronchitis), severe ear infection and colic because of the three (yes three) antibotics. I gave C the biggest smile and say "that's it??? I can handle that." If you have all of the medications and the doctors and hospital number. C, says are you serious??? Now this is the point that I get mad and say..."of course it is not like she is not going to get sick when she is home with us". Does she need to go to the hospital??? No C, replied. Well then , we will take care of her, after all we are going to be parents specifically god willing her parents. C, then asks whether I want for them to come and pick her up on Tuesday versus Thursday "to give me a break". I say NO!!! (mind you at this point I still have not been able to hold K, or even touch her, so I was a little bitter) in my nice lawyer tone I say that although I appreciate her concern, our trip down to Guatemala was to visit K, not to rest. At this point she shrugs and says well she is your baby. She then tells M, to hand me K, (note that she has to tell M to hand her to me. In M's, defense, she loves K very much and if I were in her shoes not knowing B or I from adam, I probably would be relunanct to hand K over to us when she was so sick like that) Well I can't describe the feeling when K was placed in my arms. It was like I was whole/full...does that make sense??? I look down at her sweet face and she is looking straight at me. No fussing, no crying she is just content. I was speechless. We chit chat with M. I could tell that she did not want to leave K and I tell her that she is welcome to come by the hotel if she is worried about K. At this point I guess both C and M felt like we passed the test and told me that K and everything was going to be alright. C hands me her phone number and tells me to call her at whatever time. I thank her and ask her about our social worker interview (see my prior post about the lie) she tells me that it is scheduled for 12/29/..I thank her again M, kisses K. We head up to our room and I begin to cry. More to come

Our visit trip part 1

December 24. Our flight was at 7:00 am to Atlanta where we were would connect to Guatemala City on Christmas Eve. The evening before (Dec. 23) we packed ferviously and we both did not sleep well as our neighbors behind us decided to throw a HUGE party (lets not forget our nerves). When I say Huge, I mean Huge It was 2:00am and they were still partying and we could clearly hear them in our home with the tv and radio on. Too bad we weren't invited. I eventually had to call the cops when they starting running in our yard. Anyways, we get to the airport and I buy some neat Florida stuff for M (K's foster mom) . As we are boarding Brad realizes he forgot his cell phone. Mind you we had set up his cellphone with an international plan as it has international capabilities. We at this time were not sure about my phone. Our flight to Atlanta ran a half an hour late so when we got to Atlanta and given that we had a short layover they had already given our seats away. We still manage to get on the flight. We board and I must admit that I kept looking around at everyone wondering what am I doing??? I hope that does not make me bad. It was so overwhelming. B turned to me and said "well this is it we are going to see our little girl" and it was at that time that I realized that I had not been breathing. I get my IPOD out and relax. As we start descending all you see is green. It was beautiful. We get to Guatmala City and go through customs. It was really easy!! Stamp here Stamp there...then the luggage saga begins. Note to those traveling to Guatemala take a carryon with extra clothes for everyone including the baby.. Now we did not loose our luggage but others did. It was a little crazy as the luggage cart broke down so we waited over an hour to get our luggage. Our flight arrived at 1pm. We finally get our luggage and head out looking for the Westin's shuttle bus. And we continue to look..and look.. I call the Westin they say they will be there shortly. We exchange our money and wait and wait. We stayed behind the glass doors as I felt it was safer since there was a lot of people waiting for families and quite frankly I was a little overwhelmed and tired at the moment. Ok I admit I was being a little neurotic. Anyways B spots the shuttle and we head out of the airport. As we head to the shuttle there are a group of children who begin tapping and asking us for money. I had bought a whole bunch of candy for the kids since I expected this. It was nice and awful at the same time to see how happy M&Ms and Snickers bars made them. In the shuttle we met a wonderful women A, who was on her pickup trip. Trust me when I say that A, was a lifesavor!!! Now by this time it is 2:45 and Ms. K is suppose to be dropped off between 3:00 and 4:00 pm. and we are just leaving for the hotel. Talk about getting your heart rate up. We get to hotel and check in and we are in our room at 3:10. At 3:15 our phone rings and I hear " Mrs. G, this is C, your facilitator, I have your baby in the waiting room" . I could not speak for a moment and I gather myself and say "we will be right down." My hands are shaking now. I look at B and he has tears in his eyes and I say don't start yet and give him a hug. We get our camera and head down to the elevator. B was following me and I head in the wrong direction. Go figure!! B laughs and we make to the elevator and get to the Lobby area. The Westin has two lobby areas. Which one do you think we went to ...you guessed it the wrong one. Anyways B spots everyone and we head towards them. It seemed like time was going very slow at this point. Before I can reach K our faciliator C, steps in front of me and says HI, I am C, at this point you could be the pope for all I care I want to see K...I smile at C and say my greetings and try to look at the beautiful bundle in M's arms, she says "here is your baby she is beautiful but she is sick do you still want her?"......

checking in

Hi everyone! Happy New Year!!

We did get back safely. It was an amazing trip. I will write about it in detail next time I promise. All of you adopting from Guatemala I highly recommend visiting. However, right now I am so down it is not funny. Please bear with me as I spill my guts out. All I have done is sit in the fetal position and cry. I feel like I can not trust my agency or the persons they hire down in Guatemala so I am going out of mind. Long story short we were lied to by the facilitator while we were down there. I specifically asked her when our interview with our social worker was and she gave me the date of the 12/29. Great I thought. I finally have the answer. Low and behold the day we get back from Guatemala I get an email from my case manager giving me the "good news" that our social worker interview is on wait for it....January 13...what??? I email (and call twice) and basically say "No..the facilitator said to me as I was holding my baby that it was to take place on 12/29." THREE DAYS later she replies back "The facilitator must have mispoken when she gave the 12/29 date. Since our Guatemala coordinator spoke with the facilitaor's office on the 12/30." I don't understand,, Ok lets see here if the interview is not until 1/13/05 we probably will not be in PGN until the beginning of February. That is if the sun, the moon and the social worker timely completes the report. God knows when we will get out of PGN but the average stay is 33 days. I guess the major problem here is that 1) I hate to be lied to; 2) I wanted and had my hopes on the fact that we would be out of Family Court by now..furthermore it was partially based on the information our facilitaor gave us. The thought that we have been in Family Court since October 28 and that we will not get out until February has sent me over the edge. It also means K is just getting older. I had so hoped that she would be home at 5 months and I don't see how that is going to happend. Lest not forget that I miss my baby like crazy. The completeness she brought to me. The way she made me a better a person. So right now the thought of someone bringing their babies home (getting Pink) or getting out of PGN does not give me comfort. I am so happy for everyone who has and is out of this hell but I can't help feeling jealous and yes sorry for myself. Please don't flame me it is just the space that I am in right now. I won't be in it long. Lastly, what is up with this blog????.I do not know what is going on with my blog specificaly why no links or anything for that matter is showing up. I will try and fix it. I would hate to have to move now...UGH